| Author | Message | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 282 Registered: 5-2004 |
This isn't SDA-related, but I again find myself with a fragile situation and no one to go to for advice. I would value your sincere faith-based opinions, guys. I mentioned before that my mother hit midlife crisis and started drinking heavily, smoking a pipe, and sometimes bringing her intoxicated husband to our home. So I had to stand my ground and insist that my mother agree not to drink at my home, agree to respect my family and our house rules, before she could come visit in our home again. That was just before Thanksgiving, and my mother hasn't spoken to me since.(which is strange for us, we used to talk weekly.) I left the ball in her court, asking her to call me when she was ready to talk about how we could respect each other's boundaries and have a grown-up, respectful relationship. So my quandary is this: just lately she has been writing cards to my kids, saying things like "I have not been afforded the opportunity to come see you, but I want you to call me and tell me about your schoolwork, and send me pictures of you with the Christmas gifts I sent you." Mind you, my kids don't read yet. They are 4 years, 2 and a half years, and 1 year old, respectively. I am not sure whether to read them the cards and have them call her. (Which they have no interest in doing.) Or whether to ignore them all together, or have them draw pictures and return them etc... I am well aware that this is a ploy by my mother to draw us into communicating with her without her having to step up and take part in a legitimate adult discussion. My mother, in all the time my sister, father and I have known her, admitted to any wrongdoing of any sort on her own part. Has never, even once, apologized, that we are aware of. And she is currently not speaking to her sister, or oither of her brothers, because they stood up to her on issues in the past. So I don't hold out much hope that she will ever agree to change her behaviour, even for a short visit to my home to see her grandkids. (Literally, I have asked before, in a quieter way, and she showed up with her husband already intoxicated, or just drank in our garage after we went to bed. I felt like i was dealing with a teenager!) I sent her one of our standard Christmas letters, and sent out a family picture after we had them taken this past month. But I just don't know what is the wisest response to her cards and passive-aggressive messages, that are supposedly directed to my kids. I feel like taking pics of the kids with her Christmas gifts and sending them to her would be playing along with her game. My gut hunch is that I shouldn't play the games, but wait for her to buck up and be an adult. But I am too close to the situation to know for sure. Anyone else have any wisdom here? I can't find any books addressing this one. -tanya- | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 3399 Registered: 12-2003  |
Tanya, my gut instinct matches yours. In many ways, you're in a role-reversal with your mom. If she WERE a teenager and you the mom, would you back down on your demands? If not, you shouldn't back down now, either. You know she shouldn't be in your home drunk and disruptive, and you really can't play her game to avoid the issue. Respect for her includes being calm, being sure she is in no danger or need that is yours to look after, etc. Respect and honor for your mom does not include allowing her to manipulate your children and you by game-playing. You may be right about her never backing down. It's possible, though, that just as a teenager would eventually tire of the game, she might, too. In cases like this there's usually denial of a problem and accusations of your "disrespect" followed by extreme anger and even destructive behavior when her usual manipulation tactics seem not to be working. After a period of time of extreme anger and even agression, there's often a settling into what is in order to have at least a sense of peace. I suspect that your mom may quiet down as time goes on, but whether or not she does, giving in to these passive-aggressive, sideways tactics would never yield resolution, only resentment. Praying for you! Colleen | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 2305 Registered: 3-2004  |
Tanya, I was going to say the same thing Colleen has written. You have set your boundaries and do not drop them. Do not buy into her games. And pray, a lot, for her, as I am sure you are doing. Until she stops drinking and can respect your boundaries, do not answer her or communicate with her. There is a saying in the 12 step programs that one has to hit bottom before they can look up and ask for help. It looks like your Mom has not hit bottom yet. I am praying for you and for your Mom. Diana | ||
| Belvalew Registered user Username: Belvalew Post Number: 944 Registered: 7-2004 |
Tanya, Your requirements are reasonable and not in the least abusive to your mother. Don't allow her to play these silly games. Write to her and tell her once again that for the sake of your children, her grandchildren, you need to protect their environment and that means that you cannot allow her to get away with ignoring your rules. It is your house, not hers. This hurts me because I am old enough to be a grandmother myself and I would hate being handled this way either. She is being irresponsible, and whether or not that behavior comes from a bottle or her own choices you have the right to limit that effect when it comes to the home you are raising your children in. You should communicate directly with her and tell her that you will not play the silly games. Remind her that the grandchildren are too young to comply with her requests and that you understand clearly that you would be the one to take any actions she has requested. Next time you want her to acknowledge that by communicating directly with you. Colleen is right. You must behave as the senior adult in the relationship and refuse to be manipulated by her end-around tactics. I will be praying for strength for you, and a willingness to listen for your mother. | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 283 Registered: 5-2004 |
Thanks for the advice, Guys. I am glad to hear that I don't sound too harsh. I really hope to be able to treat her with respect while staying firm to my boundaries. My aim is NOT to rob her of time with her grandkids, although I am sure that is what she believes. I pray for her all the time, that God would call her heart back to him, and that she would wake up and realize how much she needs Him. Our pastor said this week that sin first Fascinates us, then Isolates us, then Assassinates us. It has defintiely done the first 2 of the three to my mother. In fact, I don't think she even has one friend that she talks to anymore, besides her husband. I just pray that she wakes up before she gets to step 3! Thanks again for the advice, and the prayers, guys. I'll keep on this track. -tanya- | ||
| Jwd Registered user Username: Jwd Post Number: 178 Registered: 4-2005  |
Tanya, Your primary responsibility as a parent is to the well-being of your children. This is your home, your children. You set the principles upon which you choose to operate your home and protect it. If she can abide by these (your) guide-lines she is welcome. If she cannot, then it is her decision to not be invited or allowed to enter your home drunk or drinking. Does she wish quality love-time with her grand children, or to party-down herself with her husband? Only the first is permitted in your home, on your turf. You can state this position in the spirit of Christ, but with unmovable firmness. If she does not understand, it is because she CANNOT. Spiritual principles are spiritually discerned. A dead person cannot change themselves. Regeneration is needed FIRST. Without that, you are dealing with a spiritually dead individual who cannot hear or understand. Their reaction is actually inconsequential to your position of principle of what is right for you and your family. You can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you. JWD | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 284 Registered: 5-2004 |
I hadn't thought of it before in terms of her being unable to understand, only i terms of her being unwilling to understand. It has been so frustrating because when I was young, she was the only practicing Christian (granted, her religion was rather legalistic and judgmental in nature,)in her family. So she set guidelines for her household, and had to hold firm to those in the face of her brothers and sister, who wanted to bring alcohol etc. into our home. (sound familiar?) So she has been in my situation, and had to tell her family "no". My sister and I were raised with such ideals, we were raised in Christian churches with CHristian values. Fast forward to now, she has thrown her ideals out the window, so expects me to do the same. And seems completely bewildered. Can she really and truly not understand my position? I guess maybe she is spiritually in such a troubled place that she might not be able to see beyond her own nose. Perhaps she is choosing to believe the crazy version of reality she has fabricated for herself. I just wish I knew how to express my love for her while standing firm. She certainly doesn't seem to believe me when I say that I love her, and yet won't stand for her behaviour in my home. -tanya- | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 1293 Registered: 7-2003  |
Tanya, though not exact, I had the same sort of experience with my mother. She also was very contrary to the christian faith she had claimed in earlier years. I eventually realized I could be my mother's daughter or my daughter's mother...but not both. And as my daughter was my primary responsibility, that made the option really singular. It has been years now, and I can tell you, the relationship is cordial and polite, but nothing more. But I don't regret the decision. My children only get one childhood and my mother's passive agressive tactics were not only detrimental to my family, but to her. She laments to my brother about how I've shut her out, but I know she gave me no options. Your mother has made her choice, and you need to be strong in your decision for your own sanity as well as the ability to parent without doubts. It is very awkward, but I have peace that I never had trying to be everything to everyone. I hope some day she is able to recognize why I've done what I've done, but I didn't do it for her. I did it for my kids. No regrets there! | ||
| Lisa_boyldavis Registered user Username: Lisa_boyldavis Post Number: 154 Registered: 3-2005 |
Tealeaves, I had the opportunity to share Christ in a kind of indirect with a guy the other day... I wonder if this might give you some way to connect with your very rebellious mom. I work in the Emergency Department as a Social Worker... can't talk about my faith, but do have some flexibility because it's a Catholic Hospital. This guy came in suicidal (those are the patients I see). He had slept through a shift at work and was probably going to loose his job. He also was homeless and had lost two girlfriends at different times that he missed very much. He told me he wasn't sure there was a God. I explained to him that every person has to make that decision for himself, but that because I am a Christian, my view on the world gives me a different lens to look through. I explained, for instance, if I were to sleep through a shift and loose a job, that because I believe there is a big plan for my life, that maybe it was good I learned that lesson on this particular job and not a job that might be an even better fit closer to the ultimate goal God has for me in doing his purposes. I went one by one through the issues in his life, giving examples how my beliefs affect my world view which effects how I treat myself and others and what decisions I make. I don't know if your mom is in such a rebellious state that she can not hear what you are saying, but I might see if she was willing to meet regularly in a neutral place just to connect. Sometimes these stalemates don't fix themselves over time because she's too spiritually sick to apologize. I would not change the boundary with your house or your children. You have a responsibility to them and to your family. You might, however, be a light to your mom in a firm loving way. I will pray that God gives you the wisdom to make the right decision... the one that's the best fit for your mom and her salvation. With Prayers, Lisa | ||
| Pheeki Registered user Username: Pheeki Post Number: 752 Registered: 1-2003 |
Lisa, that is awesome. With Christ, there is optimism!!! I hope that guy took it to heart! | ||
| Toria Registered user Username: Toria Post Number: 5 Registered: 2-2006 |
Tanya praying for you and your mom. Toria | ||
| Lisa_boyldavis Registered user Username: Lisa_boyldavis Post Number: 155 Registered: 3-2005 |
Pheeki, The guy actually cried and said he wished he could think of life like that and said he was going to start making some effort with what he wanted his worldview to be. It was a totally God ordained meeting... I felt God's presence there and know He has a plan for this young man. Lets call him John... and pray for him. He has a really tender heart... still not completely calloused from life pain. Praise God, I've NEVER SHARED CHRIST WITH ANYONE BEFORE!! I just read in I Corinthians 4:20 "The Kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power." I am experiencing God's Power and seeing him use me for the first time ever. I wished to be used for years, but believe the blinders on my eyes, and always feeling so confused about what Good News I could share kept me unavailable to God. He delivered me from Adventism, and now I'm FREE to grow as His Disciple. Ya, I still miss my community, but I'm growing outside of it, so how could I complain. PRAISE BE TO GOD. Lisa | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 3405 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lisa, what a wonderful thing God is doing in you! You will begin realizing that He Himself will fill the hole left in your heart by the lost "community" of the past. He is more than faithful! Colleen | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 285 Registered: 5-2004 |
Lisa, we have something in common... I used to work in the ER (and ICU, and oncology) but as a nurse. And I have had the opportunity to share Christ with some of my patients. I didn't ever bring it up, per se, but when people are in a dire situation, they often bring up God on their won. And if they did, I listened, and shared my view when appropriate. I have worked with a lot of people, and a lot of them had hard shells around them, but literally, I have never met anyone more resistant to change or other people's views than my mother. She used to be a fun person, dynamic, vivacious, but has always been absolutely resistant to hearings anyone elses views or entertaining their opinion. She has systematically pushed away every friend and family member she has. As of this past Fall, I was the only family member she was still talking to. Now I am also on the hit list. I have worked with broken people before, but often broken people know they are broken. My mother doesn't seem to feel that she is, or every could be broken in any way. I haven't met anyone like her before. She seems to create and live in her own private reality. I am afraid that it will take a major "hitting bottom" incident to let her know she is human and needs to soften. I wince at the thought of it, but if God needs to break her to call her heart, I hope it happens before it is too late. | ||
| Lisa_boyldavis Registered user Username: Lisa_boyldavis Post Number: 164 Registered: 3-2005 |
Dear Tealeaves, You are receiving wisdom from the Lord about what to do with your mom. That's what will be the path to take. I have met people like that in the past... bent on destruction of themselves and everyone around them. You hang tight to Jesus and protect your family and God will honor your obedience to Him no matter whose world she tries to destroy. Lisa | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 286 Registered: 5-2004 |
Lisa, thank you for your words of wisdom. And thank you for being willing to be a crisis social worker! I know the respect that the medical and nursing staff has for the social worker. there is a general "I don't know how to deal with this, thank God the social worker is available!" feeling in the Critical Care world. Keep sharing. -tanya- | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 2341 Registered: 3-2004 |
Tealeaves, What you originally wrote when you started this thread is not SDA related, but I consider it spiritual warfare. Why?? Because Satan will do anything to distract us from Jesus and he will use anyone, including those closest to us. That is happening to me at this time. I have written of a half sister who is opening her heart to God a little at a time. I have also mentioned another sister who has been so nasty to the half sister, a brother and to me. I blocked her e-mail to me because she gets so nasty, demeaning, and downright mean. She even tells me I am not being honest with her, like she can get in my head and know what I am thinking. Her e-mail has been blocked for about 3 weeks. I unblocked it Friday evening when I wrote to her to ask her if she was still interested in see a counselor, her suggestion, with ML and me. I told her I would leave it unblocked for two weeks, but it I received any nasty grams from her I would block it and would take it she did not want to follow through on her suggestion of seeing a counselor/therapist. She was here in town this weekend. Our youngest sister called me and then said there is some one here who wants to talk to you. That person is the sister who has been so nasty. I agreed to go see them on Saturday and prayed that God would guide my words. Well the sister was nice until just before I left. I disagreed with her about something. She did not like it and ordered me not to talk about it with anyone as there were legal implications and that if I did mention it to anyone she would take legal action. I told her that this was not the time and place to discuss it, because our youngest sister's grandchildren were there. But she did anyway. This is something that happened in 1968/69. Well I told her that because she did not promise to repeat something I had asked her to not do, I would not make promises either. She threatened to take legal action if I mentioned it to anyone. I, in the meantime, started leaving and kissed and hugged the grandchildren of my younger sister. The sister, who started the incident, followed me out the door and hollered, "now Diana, do not be vicious. Be a Christian" So I turned around and told her, "practice what you preach". I got in my car and left. Last night I wrote her an e-mail and told her I was hurt and appalled by her attitude and treatment. Among other things I told her is as follows: "it hurts me to say the following. I will not mention ìhimî again. This is not being done because you ordered me or threatened legal action. It is being done because what happened between the two of you is of no interest to me. I do not make it a habit to talk about things or people that are not of interest to me and I place you in that category at this time. I do not wish to see you or speak to you unless it is in the presence of a counselor/therapist. As I wrote in my last letter, that person cannot be Seventh day Adventist or someone that you know. It has to be a person that none of us knows. ML and I have agreed on that. I will leave my e-mail unblocked for two weeks to know your decision about the counselor/therapist. If I receive any nasty, demeaning, mean e-mail I will block it again. Right now all I care to hear from you is if you wish to follow through with going to see a therapist. I do care about you and love you sister, but I do not have to accept the way you treat me, talk to me or write to me and I do not." This morning as I was having worship, the thought came to me that this is not just a personality difference. This is spiritual warfare, because Satan would like it if I got mean and nasty,unChristlike, with her. I do not want to do that. So, PLEASE pray for me and my sisters. In talking to friends at church today, they agreed that I did right by walking out the door instead of standing there and having a verbal duel with her. I was also told I gave her a good answer. All I want to do is represent Christ to her and anyone I come in contact with. I want God to send someone to her to tell her about Jesus. I know God is doing that and that everything will be done in his time. So, again I request, please pray for this sister. Thanks for those prayers. God is still in charge and He is so awesome. Diana | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 2343 Registered: 3-2004 |
I have to tell you what just happened to me. I subscribe to M. Martin's daily devotional. I did not read it until after I wrote the above post. The text from Proverbs is from chapter 26:4 "When arguing with fools, don't answer their foolish arguments, or you will become as foolish as they are." I was feeling sad because of the incident this weekend. I read the text and now I am certain that blocking my sister is very good and I do not feel bad about it. I called ML right away and shared it with her. She wanted me to send her an e-mail with the Bible verse. Of course I sent it. She does not have e-mail, but her granddaughter lets me use her e-mail to send things to my sister. Praise God in all situations and I am doing this right now. He is so awesome. Diana | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 3454 Registered: 12-2003 |
Oh, Diana--what a traumatic day you had. I am praying for you and your sisters. You're right not to "discuss" things with her as long as she is fighting. Great text in Mark's email! Colleen |
