| Author | Message | ||
| Maryann |
Not really, just testing the water :-) Hah Hah | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
At a ministerial association weekend retreat in the beautiful San Bernardino mountains there were only enough paper cups for each pastor to have one for the whole weekend. So they were all invited to write their names on the sides of their cups and keep them all together on the mess hall table. But Pastor Albert thought someone might take his cup anyway, and so to prevent theft-of-cup from taking place, instead of writing his name he wrote "I SPIT IN THIS" on the side of his cup. Later in the day all the pastors, who had just returned from their hike very very thirsty, went for their cups to fill them with the Pastor Chef's delicious sun-brewed herbal tea. Pastor Albert found the cup that read "I SPIT IN THIS," filled it with the Pastor Chef's delicious sun-brewed herbal tea, and was lifting it to his parched lips when he noticed that several other pastors had written -- "SO DID I," "ME TOO", "GREAT SPITOON," etc., on the other side. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Q. Did Noah come first out of the ark? A. No. The Bible clearly says, "Noah came forth out of the ark." | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
A minister and a cab driver happened to die at the same time, and they arrived at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter let them both in. To the cabby he gave a crown with ten stars. But to the pastor he gave a crown with only one star. In a rage the minister stormed, "All my adult life I was a preacher. And you gave me a crown with only one star! But you gave that cabby a crown with ten stars! What gives?" But St. Peter only smiled calmly and said, "When you preached, people slept. But when that cabby drove, people prayed!" | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
A greedy man once thought to trick the Lord. "Dear Father in heaven," he prayed, "is it not so that a million years to you is just like a single second to me?" "Yes, my son." "Then is not also a million dollars to me just like a single penny to you?" "That is true as well," said God. Then the man closed in. "God," he prayed earnestly, sweat standing out in beads on his forehead, "could I have just one of your pennies?" "No problem," replied God. "Just a second." | ||
| Maryann |
A 12 year old girl put light colored finger nail polish on and when her father came home and saw it said, "When you get to Heaven and get to the pearly gates, Jesus will take one look at your fingers and send you to hell!" That really is a joke isn't it, but that really happened! | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
A rich man was dying. He put all his money in a rucksack and placed the rucksack in the attic immediately above his bed. "As my soul passes upward through the attic I'll grab the rucksack," he reasoned as he was passing away. After the funeral his wife went up into the attic to see if he really had managed scoop up his money on the way. Nope, the rucksack was still there. "Silly fool!" she said, "I told him to put it in the cellar." | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Q. What's a sleepwalking nun? A. A Roman Catholic. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Q. Why is it hard to take a photo of a ghost? A. Even if the spirit is willing, the flash may be weak. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Abraham: Isaac, I just got Windows 2000 for our PC! Isaac: You know our PC doesn't have enough memory to run Windows 2000! Abraham: Have faith, my son. Look in the thicket and there you will find the RAM. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
MORE REAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON CHURCH BULLETINS The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. | ||
| Maryann |
Oh boy, give me a break :-) A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Pastor Migraine's congregation was elated to hear that he had finally been appointed chaplain at the state prison. Nearly the whole town turned out to hear his farewell sermon. Not to be outdone, the man of the cloth chose John 14:3 as his text: "I go and prepare a place for you ... that where I am, there ye may be also." | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Speaking of pastors who get the last laugh, check this out: There was a minister who liked to drink, especially hard cider, but since his congregation was tee-totaling, he kept his secret to himself. After the fall apple harvest, one of the church members -- a Farmer Jones who owned a lovely apple orchard and who knew of the minister's secret but was afraid to tell anyone -- offered the minister a case of jugs full of the finest of apple jack. But with one provision: The gift had to be acknowledged from the pulpit. The minister agreed and took the case of hard cider jugs. The next Sunday, the farmer was in church salivating to hear the minister's public confession of secret vice and acknowledgment of the gift. But the crafty minister had the last laugh. He said that he would like to thank Farmer Jones for his gift of a barrel of apples and the "spirit in which it was given." | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
ENJOY! THIS ONE REALLY MADE ME LAUGH! Horse Play An itinerant frontier preacher had just finished preaching a fine gospel meeting for a poor church. They had no money to pay him, so an elder of the church offered him his horse as payment. The visiting preacher accepted his kindness. The elder said, "Now this is a very unique horse. He has been specially trained to go forward when you say 'Praise the Lord' and stop when you say 'Hallelujah'. Here, watch." The elder got on the horse, said "Praise the Lord" and the horse started forward. He said "Hallelujah" and the horse stopped. The itinerant preacher thanked him, said goodbye, and hopped on the horse. The preacher said "Praise the Lord," and the horse started forward. All was fine until the preacher noticed a deep canyon straight ahead. "Praise the Lord," said the preacher, and the horse started going faster. "Praise the Lord," he said again, to which the horse broke into a full run, heading right towards the cliff. "Oh, no, I said the wrong words! What was the word to get him to stop? I can't remember! What was it? What was it?" The obedient horse continued racing towards the cliff, with the preacher shouting any word that came into his mind. "Repent! Confess! Amen!" Nothing worked. Finally, he remembered the magic word. He screamed "Hallelujah!" and the horse screeched to a stop, just inches from the edge of the cliff and certain death. Sweating but relieved, the preacher took a deep breath and said thankfully, "Praise the Lord!" | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
This one is REALLY old. My SDA preacher dad told it to me when I was a teenager with my first car, a blue VW beetle which I earned by working summers at an SDA Conference Campground. If you must speed on the highway -- Sing these hymns: At 45 MPH... "God Will Take Care of Me" At 55 MPH... "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah" At 65 MPH... "Nearer My God to Thee" At 75 MPH... "Nearer Still Nearer" At 85 MPH... "This World is Not My Home" At 95 MPH... "Lord, I'm Coming Home" At 100 MPH... "Precious Memories" | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Smoking is mentioned in the Bible, "When Rachel alighted off her Camel." | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Q. Which one of the United States is mentioned in the Bible? A. Noah looked out of the Ark an'saw that the surface of the ground was dried up. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
LITTLE KID BIBLE LORE Q. What do you call the wife of an apostle? A. An epistle. Q. Who was Noah's wife." A. Joan of Ark Book from The Little Kids' Bible: Acts of the Opossums. Before that they were known as the 12 Decibels. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Still More Bulletin Bloopers From the Christian Chronicle, November, 1989 "We will be distributing VBS flies in the neighborhood..." "Thank you for your sympathy and the lovely pot plant..." "The topic for the elders' Bible class will be 'The Sinplicity of Christianity'." "Next Friday we'll be serving hot gods for lunch." "As soon as the weather clears, the men will have a goof outing." "Adult dinner menu: Road Beef, potatoes and gravy." "Don't forget, Saturday the ladies in the Secret Sister program will be revealing themselves." |
