| Author | Message | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 720 Registered: 7-2003  |
I'm trying to focus on the positive side that I can spend some much needed time with my other son and get some things done on my house that are hard to do with little fingers...but B's not really good about remembering little stomachs need to be fed more frequently and more than fruit. He'll have diarrhea so bad ... Jonathan does love going to my church, and he looks forward to his prayers at night and loves saying "amen" after I do. He also enjoys that at mealtimes...I know his dad won't do those things with him ... or at least hasn't when I've been around. It will be very quiet, especially over the weekend. I wasn't happy he decided to stay longer than the weekend, but understood wanting to enjoy a few days since he can't do anything on Saturday, and the wedding will be Sunday. I hate the precident it sets, yet know he has rights too. And it will only be one Saturday...I hope it doesn't open a floodgate of demands.... I'm trying not to see it as an awful weekend, but I'm sure it will be off... just as it is when his dad takes him otherwise. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 1388 Registered: 12-2003  |
Melissa, I still suspect the day may come when you will need to make legal custody arrangements for Jonathan. I may be wrong; you may be able to manage all the "stuff" of his growing up just between the two of you, but I suspect that the fear of offending B will continue to keep you somewhat "chained" to him in ways that will make him feel freer to manipulate you and the situation. For example, things such as eating times/frequency, even meal content, can be written into custody arrangements. Then, if he breaks those agreements, he risks losing custodial time. Of course, these kinds of requirements are most easily written into arrangements when the children are very young. Sometimes it's much easier to have an external "law" to answer to than it is to have to answer to each other! (Kind-of reminscent of the covenants, isn't it?!) I see a legal arrangement very possibly functioning as your ally, especially if you already have primary custody and the majority of time with Jonathan. Generally custody arrangements tend to support whatever is already in place if it's working. It would certainly set you free from some of the emotional chains that shape your interactions with B. You wouldn't have to placate him; you'd have clear black-and-white to refer to. But then, I'm not in your shoes. Only you can see what the issues really are. Just my thoughts. I'll be praying for you and for Jonathan. Colleen | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 721 Registered: 7-2003 |
Legally, we have joint custody...Kansas requires proof of abuse for anything else. I am actually in complete agreement, and have told him over and over that we need to work out legal paperwork regarding Jonathan. But it is extremely expensive. At this point, I am following the Kansas family law guidelines regarding child custody. He has refused so far to set anything down on paper, so I have started the paperwork myself, actually started it in December. Once my house sells, I will have the money to give the lawyer a retainer and then she can move forward. I also know that Kansas will allow him vacation time each year, so I am seeing this as his vacation time and have even told him so. It is in my best interest to not appear to be keeping Jonathan from him, while keeping boundaries for my own family. In Kansas, if parents cannot agree, they assign the generic family guidelines ... and no one wins. I do appreciate your thoughts...and still have Hoyster's comments from last year printed in a file. And I DO know God has it all in control. | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 1488 Registered: 11-2002 |
Plan on B. or his parents signing up Jonathan for Our Litle Friend. Then plan on the grandparents and B. quizzing Jonathan about if you read it to him. As Johathan gets more verbal they will be quizzing him on those things. I hope your child does get more than fruit. I have a friend who eats only fruit. Fruit and water. However, he is well into is 40's and he chose that diet. I have a cousin who uses no animal products, no white flour, no sugar, no artfical anything and will not eat any fruit. He eats vegetables. But, those far-out diets are not right to impose on children. The most important question I have for you is this-Does Jonathan KNOW his daddy loves him? Totally unconditionally loves him? | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 1390 Registered: 12-2003 |
Melissa, I think you're being very wise to be so careful to follow the guidelines and not to push things into a stand-off. I just continue to pray for you! Colleen | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 1034 Registered: 3-2004  |
Melissa, God loves that little boy more than you or anyone else. I know that it is hard when the Baby is yours to not be concerned. God knows what is best and He will take care of your little one. I have you, B and Jonathan in my prayer book. It looks to me like you are doing the right thing to follow the guidelines. Just keep on praying and God will lead you in what to do next. Take care my FAF sister and remember how awesome God is. Diana | ||
| Derrell Registered user Username: Derrell Post Number: 47 Registered: 10-2002 |
My daughter's mother has put her in baptismal classes. Please pray for her. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 1467 Registered: 12-2003 |
Derrell, I will specifically pray for her. You and your kids continue to be in my prayers. Colleen | ||
| Pheeki Registered user Username: Pheeki Post Number: 495 Registered: 1-2003 |
Melissa. I don't know the details of your relationship with B. but I wouldn't let my toddler go with her father anywhere alone. Some men (especially men who aren't in constant contact with the child) don't think of things we mothers think of. This has nothing to do with SDA indoctrination...it has to do with the welfare of your child and I don't believe a 23-month old should go anywhere (especially on a prolonged trip) without thier mother. Refresh me, does he see Johnathan a lot? Are you also afraid he won't bring him back? Did you know you also have to sign something for him to take him across state lines? Just my opinion and you can tell me to butt out now. | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 750 Registered: 7-2003 |
I was not aware of the crossing state lines issue...we live at the border of Kansas and Missouri, so crossing state lines is an incidental occurance here. I am not overly excited about him taking him, and he does see him all his regularly scheduled time, and his whole family (aunts, uncles, sister-inlaw, etc.) will be there, so I'm presuming there will be plenty of people to step in where B may be asleep at the wheel. But legally in our state, he is allowed a vacation week a year...and there is nothing I can do about that. I have been a little worried about him taking off, but I have a written iteniary and if he is late in the slightest, I will use it to get something going. He knows I don't trust him. But Kansas is very much a joint custody state and you have to have documented proof of abuse to deny a parent joint custody. My lawyer has said fewer than 5% of all cases ever get sole custody and visitation guidelines are pretty rigid as well. It's kindof like domestic abuse. You can't just be afraid, you have to have proof of abuse. I am praying and trusting God to protect my son. B still tries to pursue a relationship with me, and I continually remind him that as long as he is an adventist, I am the enemy by his religion's definition...which means I will not be in a relationship with him. He gets mad and put out about it at times. But I haven't budged my position...repeated it again just Monday. I do not think you need to butt out, I appreciate everyone's input. If the legal system weren't so expensive, it would be easier to get things specifically in place for this child, but I am hoping by acting within the guidelines I show myself favorably before the court when the day comes. And in the meantime there is a huge payoff...he does not attend the SDA church, ever. B does not have any Saturday or Friday night visit time ... and if we went to court, I'm a little afraid a judge would give him some of those times. I am willing to sacrifice financially (child support) to keep him from that environment as long as possible. And as long as B is getting his visit time, though he grumbles occasionally, he doesn't push it. It's quite a balancing game ... I do know some day the court will have to be involved. But at this time, I protect Jonathan from adventism ... and I can't minimize that. | ||
| Melinda Registered user Username: Melinda Post Number: 8 Registered: 2-2005 |
My family really needs a lot of prayer right now. We are moving tomorrow and Friday. Two of my 5 children are bipolar and they aren't taking it very well. They were just adopted in July so this is the first move they've experienced in America, plus being bipolar, they have very high anxiety. Their routine is messed up and having a strict routine is how we survive. So prayers would be greatly appreciated. Melinda | ||
| Dd Registered user Username: Dd Post Number: 348 Registered: 7-2004 |
Melinda, I am praying for a smooth and peaceful move for all of you and a special sense of God's presence for you. Melissa, I think the break in the lines between our computers is keeping you from receiving my emails. I hope you know and remember that I continue to pray for your heart regarding the emotions the situation presents, Jonathan's spiritual saftey and God's continued guidance in all that lies ahead for you and Jonathan. I think you are doing a fabulous job with it all. It is obvious that you are relying on God for your strength and wisdom. | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 1085 Registered: 3-2004 |
Melissa and Melinda, I have written your names and situations in my prayer book. God will take care of your son Melissa and He know your situation. Melinda, God knows your situation also and will help you through it. Both of you keep praying and relying on God. He will help you. He is awesome. Diana | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 1473 Registered: 12-2003 |
Praying for you, Melinda. And I continue to pray for you and yours, Melissa. Colleen | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 751 Registered: 7-2003 |
Melinda, I know that prayer. My daughter is autistic, obsessive compulsive and a host of other alphabets too numerous to list. I will pray for you and yours. Did you know they were special needs when you adopted them or are you learning on the fly? | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 752 Registered: 7-2003 |
Dd, I will send you an email tomorrow and see if you get it. | ||
| Sabra Registered user Username: Sabra Post Number: 305 Registered: 10-2001 |
Derrell, I've added you and your daughter to my prayer list. How old is she? The SDA church baptized me when I was 10 and I said more than once I wasn't sure I knew what it meant--big eye roll. Melissa, I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you. You are a very strong person and you have done so well in honoring God in your decesion making and I know He will honor you and your kids and keep a hedge of protection around you. He doen't forsake His own! Praying for you. Melinda, Praying for a safe move and easy transistion period. When we moved, the kids getting to pick out their new room decor really helped them like the new place. Love you all, Sabra | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 1582 Registered: 11-2002 |
Each of you is in my prayers. Yes, being a parent of a "normal" child is challanging enuf and then some of us get kids that we just had not ever even thought existed. Yes, I know. About the baptizmal class-am I to assume it is SDA? What do they tell the baptizmal candates in the SDA? While I'm at it-my mom bought the entire set of SDA Bible Story Books, all in perfect condition at the swapmeat for, get this $10.00 and she is giving them to my son to read to my little grandchildren, which he will do. Please, pray the kids will be discourning and be able to sort truth from error. Thanks | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 1091 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan, I have added your grandchildren to my prayer list. God is still in charge and is so awesome. Diana | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 1141 Registered: 3-2004 |
Please pray for my brother's step son. His name is Maverick and he is about 10 years of age. He fell at school and split his spleen. The doctor told my brother and his wife they do not like to operate on children's spleens. It has something to do with the immune system. It would not hurt him to take it out now, but thirty years down the road his immune system would be comprimised. So please pray for this boy. Thanks so much. Diana |
