| Author | Message | ||
| JudeTheObscure59 |
GLADVENTIST, BADVENTIST, SADVENTIST, GRADVENTIST: HEREíS HOW TO TELL IF YOUíRE REALLY AN ADDVENTIST Glossary of Addventist Terms Compiled by Jude the Obscure ADDVENTIST: Adopts rules or commandments added to the gospel. Ten examples: I. No bearing of arms in war to defend our Baptist, Catholic, Episcopalian, Lutheran, Methodist and Presbyterian friends and neighbors. However, it is absolutely critical that they bear arms to defend us! II. No ordination of female pastors in North America, because the Bible doesnít allow women pastors here. Bigamy and polygamy permitted in Africa, because the Bible does allow multiple wives over there. Sorry, North American males ñ in Africa only! III. No praising God by dancing in church, because Psalm 150:4 isnít in the Bible. IV. No swimming on Sabbath, because that would be doing ìthine own pleasure.î Wading permitted, because Jesus eased the restrictions on Sabbath-day activities, but certainly not to the extent of actual swimming. V. No going to shows, not even to a good movie, because you might happen to sit beside a bad influence. Even worse: Going to a Sunday-keeping church (Babylon). VI. No dangling an ornament on a gold- or silver-colored chain from around your neck. Women (only) may pin it on clothing and call it a brooch. VII. No eating of fish. Even if Jesus did eat it (Luke 24:42,43), He didnít have all the light on health reform. VIII. No eating lobster, oysters, scallops, shrimp or other shellfish. Jesus didnít really mean it when He ìdeclared all foods cleanî (Mark 7:19). Would He declare against His own law? IX. No strong drink. Even though God literally commands His people to drink "strong drink" in moderation and at appropriate ages and times (Deuteronomy 14:26), Heís only kidding. We know that, because if you read between the lines of that verse, youíll find that God is winking! X. No wine. The ìwineî Jesus drank wasnít really wine at all, but freshly trampled juice stored in specially created ìmiracle wineskinsî that prevented it from fermenting in the hot Judean climate between grape harvests. BADVENTIST. Anyone who flouts the rules or commandments. Also, anyone ñ such as a Glandventist ñ whose ìmask of perfectionî has slipped down and who has thus become an outcast or pariah, an object gossip and shunning, of pity, if not scorn. Question: So how do you know youíre not a Badventist? Answer: If your mask hasnít slipped or if nobody has seen your real face, youíre not one. Whew! That was close! BANDVENTIST. Wears a wedding ring that is plain, that is, a ring that doesnít boast an expensive stone, such as a diamond. Or even an inexpensive stone, for that matter, such as a zirconium. Thus doth the Bandventist avoid the appearance of evil! BLANDVENTIST. Spiritual zombie. Mystified, enchanted or otherwise under the Addventist spell. BRADVENTIST. Nails together habitats for humanity to earn salvation. BRANDVENTIST. Collects and donates labels from containers of Loma Linda or Worthington mock turkey, phonybaloney, pseudoflesh or other wannabe meat. CADVENTIST. Single or divorced Glandventist who has many relationships, but canít commit to marriage. CLADVENTIST. Prefers own clothing to Christís seamless robe of righteousness. DADVENTIST. Instructs Ladventist in the way of Addventism instead of the Way of Christ. FADVENTIST. Avid follower of ìRevelation Seminars,î ìAmazing Facts,î ìNet-90-Somethings,î and similar gospel counterfeits. GADVENTIST. Moves or "floats" from congregation to congregation to hear a favorite musical group or speaker. Also, an exceptionally garrulous Madventist or Sadventist. GLADVENTIST. Has been a member for less than a year. GLANDVENTIST. Use your imagination. GRADVENTIST. Has concluded schooling at Addventist University and has matriculated into the Cradle Roll of Christ. Also, a recovering Addventist. GRANDVENTIST. Historical (some say ìhystericalî) Addventist. Thinks Addventists ìhave the truth.î Goes jaw-dropping clueless when Jesus is quoted, ìI AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE" (John 14:6). HADVENTIST. Has ìhad itî with Addventism, but not quite yet to the point of accepting Christís righteousness. HANDVENTIST. Lifts hand ñ but not heart ñ during ìcalls.î LADVENTIST. Instructed by Dadventist in the way of Addventism instead of the Way of Christ. LANDVENTIST. Boasts an earthly ñ but not a heavenly ñ paradise. MADVENTIST. Suppresses rage at the Badventists who seem to be enjoying ìthe pleasures of sin for a season." Feels temporary relief after punishing them with gossip and shunning. PLAIDVENTIST. Addventist preppy. Spends life ìpreppingî for the kingdom of God utterly unaware that ìthe kingdom of God is within youî (Luke 17:22). SADVENTIST. Has become resigned to the pain of observing the Badventists who seem to be enjoying ìthe pleasures of sin for a season.î Has learned to ease that pain by punishing them with gossip and shunning. SANDVENTIST. Short for Sandman-ventist. Faithfully performs Sabbath afternoon ìlay activities.î SCADVENTIST. Makes scads of filthy lucre by conducting GC-jet-set ìinsider trading,î by growing ìtable grapesî to sell to northern California wineries, or by making Little Debbie health foods to sell in supermarkets nationwide. SCHMADVENTIST. Flunks church and drops out exclaiming, ìAdventist Schmadventist!î Has thus taken that first toddling step toward Jesus Christ. STANDVENTIST. Takes a firm stand against righteousness by faith alone. Says, ìIf you have only your faith youíll go out and do anything you want!î If pressed for an example, the Standventist may point out a Schmadventist, but never a Badventist. Reason: For all their faults, Badventists still eschew the heresy of righteousness by faith alone. STRANDVENTIST. Petrified at the thought of being left behind when Jesus comes. TADVENTIST. Toys with Addventism. A dilettante or dabbler. Not committed. VLADVENTIST. Addventist Addministrator. The term ìVladventistî derives from Vlad the Impaler (c. 1431 ñ c. 1476), prince of Walachia (1456-62, c. 1476). Vlad fought bitterly against the Turks and, because of his sadistic cruelty toward his own subjects and Turkish prisoners alike, he became the source of the Dracula legend. Deposed in 1462, he was later reinstated (c. 1476) but soon was caught and beheaded by the Turks. His father was known as Vlad Dracul or "Vlad the Devil" ñ hence the son's name Dracula or "Son of the Devil." WANDVENTIST. Idolizes Ellen White as the Good Fairy. Your comments are invited. Sincerely, Jude the Obscure. | ||
| Lynn W |
Perhaps someone could help me finish this song I've started writing. "Well, they go from church to Taco Bell, And then they say I'm going to Hell, Cause I don't keep the Day the way they do-oo" | ||
| Lydell |
Well, Jude, you've started something now! How about: Stealthaddventist: an addventist who is hardly ever seen in church on Saturday because his/her job is on the "approved" sabbath occupations list. Contradventist: A stealthadventist who condemns others whose professions also "do good on the sabbath" but are not on the approved list of health related occupations. Perseadventist: The one who experiences a certain thrill at the thought of the soon coming "time of tribulation" for those who are "sabbathkeepers". Cosmetiadventist: Meets a Christian woman and immediately checks her face for makeup to determine if she is "really a Christian." Well, shoot, this could go on forever. But you know, the more you think up, the more it kind of makes you want to cry that you spent so much time there and you recognize yourself as having been one of those. Yuck! Praise the Lord for deliverance!! | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Dear Lydell, Yes, I know how you feel. But, don't you see, I'm STILL spending time there. The Lord has laid this burden on me. And attending church two times each week, on Sabbath in a large Adventist church and on Sunday in a large Protestant church, can be tiring. But, you're right! I have been delivered. Now I'm a missionary. And a bit of humor along the way lightens the load. --Jude the Obscure. | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Dear Lynn, I'm working on it. What rhymes with do-oo? Boo-hoo, I'll sue, scoobie-doo, I love you (oops!), strew, (unmentionable), drew, few, goo, (un-politically correct), hew, queue, lieu, moo, muumuu (you're probably too young to remember that one; hint, it's something you wear), slew, view, review, zoo, true, yoo-hoo, grew, blue, true-blue (this one'll be tough), flu, flue, shrew .... Well, it's a start: What can you do with those, you creative poet, you. --Jude the Obscure. | ||
| Onesimus |
Dear Jude: I love your glossary. And yes, humor does lighten the load, even when you only go to church one day a week! Good work. --Onesimus | ||
| Timo K. |
Lynn, I cannot finish your song, but I have a verse: I am close to You at Taco Bell, my legalistic friend I am close to you in your legalistic despair. Please let me in, please let me in. I am your Jesus, I am your Jesus. |
