| Author | Message | ||
| Maryann |
MY FRIEND SANDY Dec. 24, 1930-Aug. 13, 1999 I met Sandy one morning in 1972 when I was 15. There was a knock on the door and this lady in a nightgown and robe was standing there squinting through eyes that would rather have been asleep. Looking past her was a ìJohnny Cashî looking pickup as it had at least 5 different colors on it from different body parts obviously obtained from a wrecking yard. Seeing my stares and puzzled look she said, ìyour horse stole my horses!î That comment did absolutely nothing for my understanding of why this oddly dressed woman driving a heap of metal called a pickup was on my porch. You have to understand that we lived in the beautiful foothills of the Sierraís in a very secluded area deep in the forest down a road that was almost impossible to see as you drove past on a winding mountain road. Not many people knew where we lived as we were hiding from the school authorities. Reason for that was I was not in school nor was I using and approved home school course. So Sandy attempted to explain that somehow, my Paint stallion Thunder, got out of my pasture and went to her place some 5 miles to the North and knocked her fence down, causing her horses to escape. She had a mare and a gelding. Well, in heat of the moment, the mare, a pale Palomino named Shady Lady started to run and Thunder was hot on her heels with the gelding, Charlie running along for the excitement. I guess galloping horses got the attention of a lot of people and heads were popping out of windows and doors all along the route the horses chose. ( Picture a streaking Palamino being chased by a bay and white Paint stallion with a beautiful big Appaloosa in tow! (Heh heh heh) This is why Sandy looked so disheveled, she was up early following the line of gossip all the way to a town called Rackerby, some 10 or 11 miles to the South of my house! Anyway, after I got in her truck, we exchanged names and took off to Rackerby. There was a road near Rackerby that wound around and around and ended up in a nice little multi-level, winding valley about 7 miles long and * to * mi. wide. In the middle of this valley were the three naughty horses! A retired policeman stuck his nose where it didnít belong and started to jump on me rather viciously about letting my horse run loose and how I could go to jail. Not being around this ìcutî of people, I was stunned. Sandy said to me, ìjust leave!î I did just that! But not in the way one would expect. I jumped on Thunder with only a rope and headed home at a dead gallop. After Sandy rounded up her kids to round up their horses, she came over to see if I got home okay. She told me where she lived and I didnít see too much of her for a few years. Most of the places where I was from were very old mountain houses. A lot of these old houses were in prime spots in meadows with wonderful views. I had since left home and was married and heard that she was the occupant of an old house I always liked to look at on the way to and from town 35 miles away. One day my husband, the local sheriff, told me that Sandy had been beat up pretty bad at that house, thrown in a U-Haul trailer and taken on an awful ride around the mountains and was pretty severely tossed around in that trailer. Can you imagine a person that had been beaten nearly senseless then locked in a dark trailer and hauled all over the mountains at high speeds? (This guy DID go to jail for 2 years!) Anyway, we had a garage with a little studio above it and we rented it to her for 50 bucks a month. I have NEVER seen a person with this kind of damage done to them! She had bruises on her body that stayed for 6 months, mostly in the rib and stomach area. After being at my place for a year or so, she decided to move into one of her apartments in her 8-unit apartment complex in San Jose. Well, the smog etc. just didnít agree with her and she was having serious problems breathing, so she moved to Mexico. About then, 1979, I was getting out of a VERY violent marriage and she asked me to manage her apartments for her. I was VERY happy to do this as my husband wouldnít know where to find me! After I got the apartments in order and tenants in all of them, I moved to Virginia with my second husband. Sandy then went to the apartments every few months to keep things on the up and up. By late 1980, we had moved to Colorado and then settled in Pahrump Nev. I would go and visit Sandy in Mexico and one day 1982 she asked if I would move her stuff down to Mexico from San Jose. Being foot loose and fancy free as far as work and kids were concerned, I jumped on it as it was just another adventure. I had a little í69 Chevy short bed, step side PU with a completely broken frame near the right front tire and brakes that were very close to useless. This broken frame gave the truck the feel of a boat in water but I was used to it! I donít remember the size of U-Haul I rented but I am sure that it was to big for my truck even if it had been in perfect condition. I really donít know how I did it, but I got a two bedroom apartment that was full and stuffed it in the trailer and truck after having to pack an unbelievable amount of stuff in boxes. What happened was, the trailer didnít have a * of an inch of space left and the truck bed was full! What was I to do? I had to get it all out as there were people moving in the apartment! So I did like Tokyo and went up. That truck was stacked up approx. 6 feet above the cab!!! I personally donít know how that truck did it! It was so loaded on the back along with that oversized trailer that I hardly had any steering! So, off I went, and as it happened, it was my birthday. So headed down I-5 at a faster clip in the fast lane, (of course), than I should have and had a blow out on the right rear. So the left shoulder was the best choice. As it happened, the left shoulder slope put the majority of the weight on the left side making it easy to change the tire on the high side. Well, that challenge was soon out of the way and away I went. Not being particularly experienced I did something stupid. Coming to the loooooooooooong hill called the ìGrape Vineî just North of San Luis Obispo, I didnít bother to slow down like an IDIOT! This truck was a ìthree on the tree,î that is, it had a clutch and the shifter was on the steering column. As I headed down this hill that got steeper and had CURVES in it, I decided I should slow down and move over to the slow lane! Duhhhhhhhhhhh! I mashed the brakes and it was like the old song said, ìstepping on a plum!î YikesÖÖ! I pumped the brakes and there just wasnít much response. The trailer was just too big and heavy and was pushing the truck like a giant elephant! So, not one to panic, I just figured Iíd drop it down to 2nd gear. Sooooo, it might rev up the engine and do some damage but oh well, it would slow us down! Great plan right? Well, I stuck in the clutch, grabbed the shifter and pushed it up to 2nd only to have the shifter break off in my hand, right at the steering column in NEUTRAL!!!!! Still one not to panic, but getting very close, I was able to grab the nubbiní of the shifter and quickly popped it in 2nd! Whewwwww. I did that hill about 60 or so mph and did some maneuverings to thread my way around cars in what ever path I could find. Oh yeh, I couldnít warn anyone I was coming! Yeh, you guessed it, I had no horn either! Riveted to my seat and white knuckled I got to SLO safely and called my Momís old lady friend that was a pilot in the 30s and knew and flew with Lindbergh and Earhart. She took me out for a really neat birthday tour of the area and ocean. I have some wonderful pictures of that day. Sadly, she was killed in an auto accident on my wedding day a few years later! I finally arrived at the border and the Mexicans took one look and said, NO WAY are you coming in here with that. I told them that all the arraignments had been made and there was supposed to be no problem. They had a good laugh at me. I called Sandy, and she sent the Doctor that she was helping to translate a book from German to Spanish and he said who knows what in Spanish to them and gave them $300.00 and told me to get in and drive, quick! After getting her all settled in, Iíll jump ahead a few years. We visited each other a few times and she actually stayed with me in Pahrump for up to 6 months at a time. Then she sorta quit coming to see me and wouldnít let me see her. I had re-married and had 2 kids that she had never seen. I finally started to push the issue and in 1991 she agreed to meet my family at a restaurant. We met in San Diego and had a great time. I kept bugging her to let me visit. She said she didnít even let her kids visit, as her living quarters were not very good. We started to talk on the phone a lot and she told me of her new faith in God. She told me how happy and peaceful she was and that I should try out a good dose of God. Finally, I told her I was coming down and was there was nothing she could do to stop me. Whatever mess she had could not possibly be THAT bad! WRONG!!!!! Where she lived was a rather nice part of town in the 40s and 50s when the western movies were booming. In fact, John Wayne lived there and kept his horse in a lean-to on the back of the house. This lean-to is where Sandy lived!!! I figured that I had been everywhere and seen everything till I saw this! First was the smell! Ohhhhhhhhhh my gosh! What had happened was the plumbing kept plugging up and overflowing on the wood floor. This happened so much that the boards rotted and turned to smush that went between the 2X6 runners laying on the dirt that the rotten 1X6 floor boards had been on! I just can NOT describe the smell other than horrible. I asked her why she was living this way? She said she didnít want to bother her kids!! They had their own lives and she wanted them to not worry about her. Well, I just exploded! She then started to tell me about her new faith. To make it short, it was the word faith, name it claim it movement she had found. She was informed that I was going home and would be back in a couple weeks and expected her stuff to be packed, ëcause she was leaving!!! She knew better then to say NO! She had a little motor home that didnít run, so I got that running too as it would haul a lot of stuff. The exact year and date is un-clear in my mind, but I pretty sure it was Jan 20? of 1991. We got her all packed and loaded the day before MLK day and safely in Pahrump and the next day was that great big earthquake that hit So. Ca.! Soon after her arrival in Pahrump, we had a nice small doublewide trailer for her to rent on our place. She then really got involved with TBN and the Benny Hinn/Paul Crouch group and introduced my Mom to it too! Sandy was very sincere and really talked about the Lord to me and how wonderful He was. She really demonstrated to me a person with a changed life. Even my Mom commented on her changed life. One day I noticed that she wasnít eating to good when I invited her over for dinner. She informed me that she had some killer toothaches. I told her she needed to get to the dentist. She said, ìNO!î One thing was she didnít want to bother her kids for money. The other was that she was not going to show lack of faith by going to a dentist!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Instead, she went to San Francisco to see Benny Hinn so that she would ìgrow new teeth!î (Iím serious!) Anyway, I had a fit! Next thing I knew was my Mom was going with her to S.F. to have her aches and pains cured! I was beside myself. Sandy came back with these glowing stories about the heat that went to her body in the areas that needed healing like her mouth and shoulders. Mom was still skeptical! To make a long story a bit shorter, Sandy went 3 or 4 more times to get healed of various ailments and to grow teeth and Mom went with her 2 times! Grrrrrrrrrr;-(( After approximately 2 years of just awful toothaches and a phone call to her daughter and son to let them know their Mom was in dire need of a dentist, she went to Mexico and had her teeth pulled as they were NOT salvageable! She waited for God to grow teeth for so long that when she went to get her teeth pulled, she had to wait while she took antibiotics to reduce the VISIBLE swelling on her face! (Her kids had no idea that she was so sick. Sandy had signed over her ìbig figureî apartments to them and they had plenty of money to support her and take care of any medical problems. They just didnít know!) As Iím writing this, Iím realizing that it was Sandy that really got my Mom started on the ìword faithî trip! I had never really put that together till now! Duhhhhhh With Sandy all fixed up with new chompers, I breathed a breath of relief. Soon after that we moved to Las Vegas. Sandy would come down to see my Mom and gather up clothes etc. for the church sale. It was funny how Sandy had been my friend for so many years. Then as she got older, she became my Momís friend too. It just seemed like a natural shift. Sandy started to complain about pain under her arm in early 1998. I told her that she needed to get her hindside to the doctor and have it checked out as that was not a good place to have pain. Instead, she went to see Benny Hinn again. She came back all radiant with such amazing stories. For herself, she experienced the knock over power of the Holy Spirit and had a healing warmth all over and an actual heat under her arm. SHE WAS HEALED! Or so she believed. When I say that Sandy believed, I really mean that she believed! I have personally never to this day, seen anyone with so much faith. She just radiated joy and peace. She, un-like so many Christians, would talk to anyone about her faith. No one was excused, the checker, the waitress, an unsuspecting person in line at the bank, they ALL heard about God. As time went on, Sandy would say she couldnít do this or that. Iíd ask about under her arm and she admitted that it was sore. I told her she needed to see a doctor to find out if it was cancer. Of course it wasnít cancer she would tell me, God healed me! Due to circumstances that I didnít want to deal with at the time (and Iím very sorry now that I didnít deal with them), I didnít spend as much time with Sandy as I would have liked to. About mid 1998, I saw her and it was obvious that something was wrong. I asked her if she had seen the doctor and she said, ìno, God healed me.î I sort of just threw my hands up and that was the last time I saw her. Even with all my own personal challenges, I feel that I failed her. I should have loaded her up in the car and drug her to the doctor. Or I should have called her kids and told them to come and take care of her. She always told me that she didnít want to burden her kids with her troubles and not to bother them. I told her that getting really sick can be more of a burden than doing a little medical maintainence. She always said I was her ìother kidî but this time I was just to pre-occupied for her when she really needed me My daughterís coachís wife had recently died from cancer and in October, the coach, Melissa and I were in Arizona for a special gymnastic competition. As we were checking in the hotel, Sandyís son called my cell phone and told me that Sandy was in the hospital in Las Vegas. John told me that she called him a few days earlier nearly delirious and he rushed down from Washington to help her. As soon as she was released from the hospital, he took her to beautiful Lake Chelan Wash. to her daughterís house. Sandy and I talked a lot on the phone. She was so happy in Lake Chelan. Her grandkids were there and running around as kids do and getting to know their gramma. One granddaughter could really sing and she just sang her heart out for Sandy. The other was quite artistic as I remember. The little grandson was a real character and really loved his gramma. Sandy of course shared her faith with her daughter, Sue, and she became a Christian too. As soon as Sandy got to Wash., she started to do the things that she should have been doing all along as far as diet, herbs etc. Sue has always been very good in the healthy cooking dept. and really took good care of Sandy. The doctors had basically given up on her as the cancer was all through her body and surgery was pointless. Her abdomen was swelling and filling with fluids and had to be drained every few months and then every few weeks as it got worse. The herbs did slow down the cancer growth as she lived somewhat comfortably from Oct. 1998 to July 1999. The last month or so was really tough. There was a lot of miserable pain that just would not go away and seemingly little relief in even morphine. Through all this, Sandyís faith only grew. I was so struck by this show of faith. I would have thought that Sandy would have lost faith and hope, but she NEVER did! She was always happy to hear from me and didnít spend a lot of time complaining. She just went on and on about the grandkids and her great love for Jesus and the fact that Sue had become a Christian. I called Sandy on about the 10th of August and she could hardly talk. She knew she was talking to me but all she said over and over was, ìIím ready to go heaven, oooooooooooh, ohhhhhhhh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus I love Jesus, I love Jesus.î She listened while I talked a bit and said, ìIím soooooo tired and I hurt so much, I just want to go to sleep now, Jesus, Jesus, I love Jesus.î Sandyís declaration of her faith were the last words I ever heard her say. She died 3 days later on the 13th. I have wondered if we as Christians arenít a bit too critical of otherís faith. I canít think of anyone that I know that so consistently declared her faith so confidently for so many years and even right to the end. The ìname it, claim itî religion is an awful thing in my mind. They tend to treat God as if He were a puppet and we are the string operators. Sandy fell for the line and it ultimately caused her death. Yet through it all, she demonstrated the ìfruits of the Spiritî in soooooo many ways. She knew who she trusted in completely for her salvation, she knew that the blood of Jesus covered ALL her sins, past, present and future and she was absolutely sure of her salvation! What else is there? Sandy was the most beautiful woman one could imagine in her hey day. She had this brilliant red/orange hair and a smile to match. Back in about 1950, she was asked to be the special guest on a major network TV when they aired their first color show. They said that her hair was the perfect color to show off the new color technology. But, she was to shy to go;-(( She was quite educated and well traveled. She lived in Spain and Morocco for a time. One thing that really drew me to Sandy was her command of the English language. Way back when I was about 22, I asked Sandy what the best thing would be for me to learn to write well. Her suggestion was to trash all my westerns and Mafia thrillers and read nothing but Shakespeare. We proceeded to find the complete works of Shakespeare and I put down every book and read absolutely nothing but Shakespeare for about 2 years. That was the hardest reading I ever did, but I think I gained something from it. Sandy believed in me like no one I had ever known. She found out that I wanted to be an equipment operator and had already taken 4 competitive test to get in and narrowly missed all 4. She marched right to the head of the apprenticeship and sat the gentleman down and proceeded to tell him that if they didnít get me in their program it was their loss and not mine. She gave them quite a history I guess because he invited me into his office and went over my entire test and made sure I understood each mistake and why and told me to make sure I was there for the next test. I smoked the next test, 33rd out of 530, aced the oral board and ended up 7th and went to work within a week (That was funny and I had sort of forgotten about that story;-)) Today I called Sue to check my dates. We had a wonderful talk. She was so excited. Last month on the 11th she was a bit depressed knowing that the 1st anniversary of her motherís death was in two days. To make a wonderful and long story short, a gentleman at a gathering talked to her and asked why she was down. She said it was almost the anniversary of her motherís death and said, ìon Sundayî and she said,îyes.î He said that he too having an anniversary, that being the 9th year since his wifeís death from cancer! It was like they bonded immediately. They went out in separate boats on the lake, tied them together, watched the Northern Lights with a meteor shower to boot and talked to 3 am. I wish them a very happy life together! Well Max, when you asked me to explain a simple statement I made, I had no idea all this would come out. Thank you for reminding me that friendships are very special and allowing me to bring ìourî story together beginning with stolen horses. Till I met Colleen, I can honestly say that Sandy was about the only other close lady friend I ever had, besides Sharon, my friend of 15 years, who stayed with me for a whole week while I recovered from surgery earlier this year. Even though Sandy had some errant theology, she was a blessing to me and many other's, particularly the seniors in Pahrump with her strong faith. I believe that God looks at the heart. Sandy had a wonderful heart and I fully expect to see her again in heaven. I really miss Sandy. Maryann | ||
| Maryann |
Today is the 12 year anniversary of the death of another friend of mine. I told a friend the story and was told that it would be a worthy "forum" story. His birthday would have been next month, so I may post it then. Do any of you have a story you would like to share of a missed loved one? The Sandy story was really therapeutic for me;-)) Maryann | ||
| Denisegilmore |
Maryann, I just read this and would like to thank you for posting this beautiful memory of your friend. God Bless you, Denise | ||
| Maryann |
JIM.....November 18, 1938 - October 14, 1988 I suppose that I met Jim in about 1980. Those were my days of seriously running from the Lord. My life style was a bit less then wholesome though it wasnít really particularly bad as far as the worldly standards went. Shooting pool was one of my favorite past times. I was quite good at it and in fact I was one of the best shots in the valley of about 4000 that I lived in. I won a few tournaments and won a few fancy pool sticks to show for it. Even though I tried many times to drink to excess, it never worked out with pleasurable results! God must have built-in an upchuck valve as I just could not usually drink more then one drink without getting violently sick!;-) Anyway, as I was spending 4 to 6 hours a day shooting pool in the 3 local bars, I got to meet a lot of people. This is how I met Jim. Since I was married, I was not on the prowl as far as chasing guys was concerned. Even so, I always had lots of guys that were just friends. Jim was one of the guys I really liked because he always respected my being married and never ìhitî on me. For several years we would team up and shoot pool where ever we could find a pool table. My husband and I had a great relationship and trusted and respected each other. He never minded me hanging out in the bars as he knew that I behaved myself and was quite confident that if any guy was out of line with me, I would use that as a good excuse to skin up my knuckles;-)) After a couple years, Jim left town and headed back to Colorado. During this time my husband and I split. (99% of the problem was alcohol.) Though he was never mean or violent, he really scared me as far as his driving etc. was concerned. I lived in fear of ìTHATî phone call saying that he was in the hospital, dead or worse, heíd caused an accident and killed someone else. The worst thing was when he passed out part way under the passenger side of my truck and for some reason (?) I cut the wheel the opposite way of usual when I back up and narrowly missed him. Had I cut the wheel the usual direction, I would have killed him! Nov. 18, 1983, I saw Jim at one of the local gas stations for the first time in about a year and after a hug, we headed to the bar to hone our pool shooting skills. We exchanged the events of the last year and wore out the tableís at all three bars that evening. He had just got back from Colorado that day and it was his birthday. Not being able to handle alcohol really was a huge blessing for me and Jim was never one to drink to excess either. About this time, I was having some terrible times with my employer and Jim sort of stayed back and observed and was there to pick up the pieces when my trailer was burned down. The story about the fire is the long-winded story in the ìForgivenessî thread. Jim had gone to work at the Nev. Test Site and I was in hope of going out here too. Since I had no attachment anymore, we started to go out and eventually were staying at whoeverís house we happened to be at when one or the other went to sleep in front of the TV. He was renting his own place and I had made arrangements to buy the 2-‡ acres that the guy that burned my trailer down owned and was selling. May 5, 1984, I went to work at the Test Site as an operator apprentice. We carpooled and really got to enjoy each otherís company more and more. The ride to and from work was 200 miles every day! Jim started to talk of marriage but I was not interested as I was determined to marry someone that was ìage appropriate.î Jim was 19 years and one month older then I! My two previous marriages had about 14 years age difference and I just would not budge on my resolve. One day Jim took me to Las Vegas and stopped by the Ford dealer. He showed me a brand new black 1984 Mustang SVO with the turbo charger and low profile wheels. This was ONE BAD car. He had me drive it and wowwwwww, what a ride. Then he had me drive a brand new black 1984 T-Bird also with low profile wheels and this super turbo charger thingy that you could flip a switch on the dash to make it into a ìrocket!!î To this day, I have never driven a car as fast as that on a freeway cloverleaf!!!! Hmmmm, I didnít even roll it;-)) You have to understand that I never had driven anything new! This was the thrill of a lifetime for me! Jim them asked me which was the better car. Both were about the same price and I loved them both. I usually can make up my mind pretty fast but had a serious problem helping him out on this decision! I finally told him I thought the Mustang was the best because it would probably be a collectorís car even though the T-Bird was faster. To my utter and complete shock Jim said okay, Iíve made arrangements to buy the Mustang for you because I love you!!!! I was speechless! Finally, I said, ìIím sorry, I just canít accept this!î I explained that I really liked him and enjoyed his company but the age thing was something I just could not get past. He accepted my refusal graciously. He said I was the only person he had ever loved and I truly believed him. He gave me the most wonderful letters proclaiming his love for me but my heart was quite hard as I maintained my stand of the age difference being insurmountable. Stevie Wonderís song, ìI just Called To Say I Loved You,î had come out recently and he just knew that song was written for him to give to me. He would call me and say, ìI just Called To Say I Loved You.î He had the tape too and would play it at least one time a day for me;-)) His special name for me was ìSweet Pea.î You can not imagine the emotions I felt some years later when I heard the ìOldiesî song called ìSweet Peaî and realized that was where that name came from! A few months after the new car offer, Jim told me he had something to show me. I jumped in his truck and off we went to this really nice doublewide on 2 ‡ acres with lots of trees on it. He showed me the whole house and it was really pretty inside. It even had a lot of furniture in it as the lady had just died of breast cancer and her husband didnít want to deal with her stuff. It was really erie looking though her dresser and seeing prosthetic breasts and so on. Jim said that he felt a bit funny in this house because the lady had actually died in the house. He said, ìOh well, my father died at 50 and so will I!î Jim talked quite often about his father. He was an alcoholic and would take Jim with him to the bars but leave him in the car for hours. Sometimes it was bitterly cold and he sometimes thought he would freeze to death. One day when Jim was 10 and his dad 50, he went in a bar and never came back out. He died in a drunken stupor of a massive heart attack. We went outside to check out the porch and trees shading the house. Jim took my hands and said that he bought this house for me and would I marry him and live there with him! This was really hard for me to deal with! You talk about PRESSURE! I told him the same thing as before about the age difference being insurmountable. Jim then made the supreme commitment. He said that if the age problem was such a problem because of concern of intimate problems when he was 80, he would commit to allowing me to have a friend to handle his inadequacies!!! If that sounds like someone grabbing at straws to get his way, you are wrong! You would only have to have looked into his eyes to know the depth of his sincerity. I will NEVER forget his eyes;-(( About this time I was being attracted to a younger fella. He fit the age requirements rather nicely. In fact, we had the same birthday, just five years apart! With this going on, I needed to tell Jim about it. When I told Jim I had found someone more age appropriate, he just took me in his arms for a long time and held me. His emotions got to charged, so he gave me a bit of a shove in the direction of the sofa and gave me the contents of his mind of which I wont blister your ears with! With his verbal frustrations fully vented, we walked outside and he told me that he was so happy that I had been in his life for a short time. He added that he had experienced the most happiness in his life in the last 6 months or so. He said though, that he would respect my choice and wish me well. He said that he would never get in my way or do anything to hurt me. His only request was that I spend the weekend with him. Jumping ahead a few months. My new love had a very controlling person that he had lived with for 15 years. Though he had moved to my place with his dog, mule, horse and trailer, this person would give him no peace. A few days before Christmas, I came home to find that him, his dog, mule, horse and trailer were gone along with his clothes! I was devastated! It wasnít long before Jim was at my door. We talked a while. I told him that I was supposed to go to Ca. over Christmas vacation with my new love and introduce him to my mom. Since I was rather ìgreenî Jim invited me over to his house. This was a most amazing and unforgettable night. With absolute and complete honor of me and my choice of another man, he put me to bed and did nothing but hold me all night. The next day he told me that the best thing I could do was go on to Ca. alone. He said that he would love to go with me and meet my mom but that could be awkward. Instead, he offered for me to take his most prize possession, his dog Spook, with me so I would at least have a friend with me. I did go to Ca. but didnít take Spook, though I was tempted to. When I got back, my new love and I worked things out and made plans to get married on our birthdays and he was soon out to stay after I had a round with this controlling person he had been living with. What was funny about that was that both of us were armed with hideout derringers! And before I left, she whacked me with her cane several times!;-) Over the next few years Jim and I worked in the same area but seldom talked. I was in mortal fear of being caught talking to him. I was in such a jealous marriage that there was a green aura around me! About June of 1988, some after the birth of my second child, I heard that Jim was in the hospital. I had to really be careful about inquiries as I didnít want any trouble from my husband. To my shock, Jim had a brain tumor! The symptoms hit quick and he surgery immediately. That was about all I could find out. In July, I had both my kids with me in the grocery store and low and behold, there was Jim and his son Jim Jr. His son was as handsome as Dad was. As to Jim, his head was shaved and there was a big X on his head where the tumor had been removed. He had lost some weight but looked okay. This was the first time that Jim had seen my kids!;-) He put his stamp of approval on them and I on his son. I asked Jim Jr. to take really good care of Dad as he was really special. Jimís spirits were good and he figured he would be back to work in a few months. In late Aug. I heard that Jim had been alone at his place and fallen in the bathroom. I heard that he got wedged between the wall and the toilet and was too weak to get up to try and get help. He spent two whole days like this before he was found!!! This really tortured me as his house was within easy eyeshot from the road that I went on everyday near my house. I kept telling myself that if I had only not been so afraid of upsetting my husband, I would have been checking on him everyday from the time I knew he had been sick! I heard that he was in the hospital but had no idea where and was too afraid to ask to many people. My tonsils were very bad and I wanted to get them out before I got off maternity leave. I was scheduled to have them out Sept. 16, so was in Las Vegas bright and early with my husband for this miserable operation. While waiting to finish all the pre-op stuff, we were standing in the hall watching all the unfortunate people getting wheeled here and there. There were some really pathetic humans getting gurney rides down that hall. Of particular mention were two people. One was a lady that appeared to be 80+ that was very thin and an 80+ man that was unbelievably thin. My husband and I commented on both of them and their sad conditions. About then, my husband decided to go to the cafeteria. I was left standing there in the hall. Something was really bothering me?! There was an image in my mind that just would not go away. As I recalled the old lady and old man, I recalled the pleasant look on the old man and that he had looked at me with that pleasant look and continued down the hall joking with the nurse pushing him. The bile from my empty stomach ruptured into my mouth as the recognition hit me. I bolted down the hall to the nurses station with that so familiar mustache, tattoo on the arm and those eyes in my minds eye. There at the nurses station, on the top of the stack of papers was Jimís name. The vibrant, healthy, handsome 49-year-old Jim that I knew had no recognizable features except his mustache, tattoo and eyes! I hunted down a nurse to ask about his condition. There was no hope!;-( I asked how he was doing emotionally and she said that he knew he would die soon yet he kept the nurses spirits up with his teasing and making passes at them;-) I asked where he was and she told me. I wanted to go down there sooooooooo bad but my fear of being caught was just too great. I figured my husband would be back any minute and that fear just paralyzed me. I wanted to just hold his hand. I wanted to stroke his forehead. I wanted to look into his eyes and tell him that I loved him too. My husband eventually came back (I would have had plenty of time to sneak down and see him;-( Grrrrrrrr) and he asked me if I had seen a ghost. I asked him if he remembered that poor pathetic old man and he said yes. He asked if I knew him and I said yes. He asked if he knew him and I said yes. He asked who it was and I said Jim. He said Jim who? I told him. He truly was taken back with shock. I then asked my husband if he would go and see Jim for me. He looked at me with a shocked look and said, ìwhy in the world would I want to go see one of your old boy friends for you!?î I said that since Jim was a Mason now, they were brothers and he could surely go and see his brother. (My husband was a past master Mason and somehow missed going to the meeting that Jim was inducted in to cast a black ball so as to exclude him! So now that Jim was in, he was now required to accept him as a brother.) Around the 25th of Oct., I looked in the local newspaper and saw Jimís obituary. He had died 4 days before my birthday and 1 month and 4 days before his 50th birthday. He always said that he never figured he would outlive his father. When I got home that night, I told my husband, ìJim died.î He said, ìJim who.î In reflecting on this story, I realize just how much Jim loved me and how he kept his promise to never hurt me or interfere with my marriage. When I think of him getting wheeled down that hall, looking straight at me, standing next to my ignorant husband and not saying a word, my heart just breaks at this very minute. How he must have longed for my touch. For a word. For anything, just anything! Can you even imagine what he must have felt when he saw me? He had full recognition! Yet he didnít want to hurt me! Wowwwww! I ran across an envelope of notes, letters, cards and pictures from him some years back. In my fear of being caught with them, I asked my mom if she would dispose of them. She asked if she could read them and I said okay. She read each one before burning them. She very sober faced told me that she just read the letters of the only man that truly loved me. Nothing can describe the feelings Iím going through right now after writing this. I can say with all honesty that a part of my heart was ripped from me and went down that hall in the hospital and got buried with Jim. To this day, I wonder if Jim knew I recognized him? Did the nurse I talked to tell him that a gal was asking about him? If she did, I'm sure he knew it was me. And I'm sure he knew I cared! Now, the biggest concern for me is, ìHow is his soul?î I just donít recall any religious tones in his life. I just have to assume that he was never a Christian. THAT hurts more then anything!!!!!! Thankful for graceÖÖÖ.Maryann | ||
| Cindy |
Maryann, what a story...so sad and full of emotion. I have a strange feeeling of melancholy after reading it. I think it makes me realize, so much, to be grateful for what I have that's good; and be content, not looking for some other happiness somewhere else. Maybe it's not always what would be best for us... Don't be too hard on yourself...You did the best you could at the time! (as far as the incident in the hospital...) And you gave Jim much joy by your friendship! Did you go to his funeral? (Probably not with that jealous husband?) It sounds like Jim showed you so a lot of love, freedom, and grace; you may be surprised and thrilled to see him again sometime! And, if not, I know you will rest in Gods' PERFECT decisions. Grace always, Cindy P.S. How do you meet these guys who give you a choice of two new cars?! :-)) :-)) | ||
| Maryann |
Hi Cindy, No, I didn't go to his funeral;-( It's been so long ago (12 years) but I think he was buried in Carbondale Colo. Funny thing happened that I forgot about. We went to Carbondale in probably July of 1984 and spent time in the mountains. I stepped on Jim's dog Spook in the night and he bit me!!!! I still have teeeeeth marks on my calf;-(( I have wondered about his son and have wanted to look him up. The trail may be really cold after all this time though. That incident in the hospital has always bothered me. Actually, that is one of the highest things on my "sad list." Unfortunately, I have another story with similarities that involved an older lady. If you want to hear that one, let me know. Speaking of melancholy! Yehhhh, I know what you mean. This story let a lot of air out of my balloon! As to meeting guys that give you a choice between two new cars!!! One in a million! I met mine in the first part of a million and you may have to wait till 999,999;-))! Soooo, happy waiting;-)) I WOULD really like to meet Jim again! Maryann | ||
| Denisegilmore |
Memories are a good thing. I thank our Lord for them. Maryanne, this story about Jim was a beautifully sad and romantic realism and these life experiences helped shape who you are today. Sounds like Jim was a man of honor and he for certain respected you. I'll bet he had you in mind, with cherished memories, at his last. Don't be harsh with yourself, like someone else has stated, you did what you could at that time in your life. Remember him and the heart he shared with you and never regret what you didn't or better yet, couldn't do at that time. Sounds to me like Jim really loved you and it appears too, that you love him much. Smile at the fact that our Lord brought you two together in this life. God Bless you Maryanne, Denise |
