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Maryann
Posted on Monday, March 19, 2001 - 8:52 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Well Guyz,

I really had a bad afternoon;-(( It was kinda like....you know....everything, the kids, the Post Office and everything else EXCEPT the cat just went Kuh-Pluey!

When we got home, I just sorta went for a quiet time under the stars and the "OLD" favorite hymn, "Trust and Obey" came to mind over and over and over. While looking at Orion, I kept thinking (Psalms 46:10), "Be still and know that I am God."

Then it occured to me why I was so disconbooberated.

At out Church, we have a 4 foot by 6 foot column that we write the names of people that we will be specificly praying for. When that person accepts Christ, a star is placed by their name. Well, after writing a few names a few weeks ago, I knew that there was a name that I SHOULD be putting up there;-(( Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

I have been somewhat convicted more and more each day about the missing name. After having lunch with someone today that really was just another "convict" agent, I went to the Church and had them let me in the Sactuary to write THAT name. Not only did I not want to write that name, the magic marker didn't want to either as it went dry;-))))))

Well, it is there now! And I'm supposed to Trust and Obey? And I am supposed to be still and know that HE is GOD!? And now I HAVE to pray for that person!?

Well, I guess I just have experienced, Trust and Obey, huh?

Maryann...IBC=Insured By Christ
Chyna
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 12:15 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

dear Maryann,

I know what you mean, the H.S. has been convicting me for some time about attending a local bible study but i have been shy, but I know once I start going I'm going to say, "this is great! why didn't I start doing this much much earlier?"

Chyna
Shereen
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 6:37 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Maryann,

I suppose you need to be convicted to pray. Would you put my name there and pray for me. I know I believe but my busy life is getting busier and busier and I just find I have less and less interest in anything spiritual. I don't pray, don't go to church, don't look at the bible etc. I only read this forum and I don't read 2/3's of what is written.

I am very disheartened these days. A raise, a new position, a "new" second hand car, new clothes, new fridge, lots of food - none of this is making me happy. I feel so low down. I would never complain on here like this but I would like someone to be praying for me. I try to pray for myself but have no interest in it. I seem to be taking it out on the ones I love too.

Maybe the lack of sleep is getting to me. I need sleep but my youngest doesn't know the meaning of the word. Maybe once we get her own room finished and she moves out of our room that will help. I am also worried about my oldest daughter. She is getting into drugs, quit school, quit her job, goes to RAVES all the time. She won't take her birth control :-(, my son is just starting his teen cycle and the hormones are driving me crazy. He is up and down up and down. My husband and I snap at each other alot lately. There is more, but I feel I need prayer. I wish I could pray but I can't.

I just feel like crying all the time. Tears are always on the edge of my lids.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Hope you all don't think less of me for this post.

Shereen
Valm
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 6:56 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Maryann,

We all probably know of atleast one person in our lives we should be praying for but have a real hard time doing so. There is a lesson for all of us to be learned here. But hey, you took the first step and wrote their name on the column!!
You don't HAVE to pray for that person, but if you do little by little you may find the changes are occuring in yourself also.

I once had a person I was really hurt by. I held on to that hurt for a full year. It festered inside of me and then I finally wrote her a letter and told her how hurt I was as well as forgave her and asked her for my forgiveness. Boy did I feel alot better. I never became close to her again but I have a sense of compassion for her now and can wish her well.

God Bless you Maryann,

Valerie
Valm
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 7:20 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Shereen,

Hey I here you. All that stuff doesn't make any of us happy. Happiness is from within. Lately I am finding the more stuff that comes the less content I am.

You sound like you need a week of pure sleep and rest. Is there a way in which you can do this? Take the week off but keep the sitter going for the little one. Get every one off for the day and then go back for a long nap. Then take a long walk and then nap some more. Read a good book....

I here the woes of raising the kids. My own preteen just about drove me over the edge scraping him out of his bed this morning. And I haven't even begun to think about sexuality issues yet!!!

In my parenting journey I am at the point of realizing that Joseph has to take responsibility for himself and that I am going to have to back off and let the cards he plays fall as they may. That is a tuff one to do and I am just starting to take those steps.

This weekend I was at the peak of fatigue. Joseph has been pulling a lot of late nighters on finishing up mounds of homework for the semester. He needed alot of help and I ended up being drawn into his late nighters. He was angry about all of the unnecessary homework as well as I. I was so keyed up I could not sleep well. And we all were very irritable by Thursday evening. And then we have our own octupus at night around 2am called Anthony. Joe wanted me to drive up with him and Joseph to Vancouver BC this past weekend and when I said no I needed to rest he started working on convincing me. Well I should't be grateful about this but Anthony ended up with a high fever over the weekend and the pressure to go was off. The two of them went and Anthony and I were left tucked in bed at 6:30 on Saturday morning!!

I got a nap in every day this from Friday to Suday as well as slept in. I was able to sit and read my Bible each day and by Monday morning I felt somewhat civil again. Oh how I wish to discipline myself to give me the care I need on a daily basis.

I could never think less of you. You are just verbalizing the dilema many of us find ourselves in. We are so busy caring for our own and being a "Savior" to them that we forget that they already have one. For myself it was a blessing this weekend to get in touch with who really is the Savior and my need to connect with him.

Trust me when I say that tears were on the edge of my lids all last week also. Parenting and life is hard. And it seems like when it intensifies, the most important part of us being there for our families goes: our prayer life and rest!!

Shereen, here is a cyber hug for you (((((((0))))))). I hope that you will find a means to clear your schedule to get the rest that you need. You are in my prayers.

Valerie
Maryann
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 8:51 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hi Shereen;-))

With some of the stuff I put on here, I haven't seen anyone think "ill" of me;-)) Soooo, why would anyone think "ill" of you?!;-)) You are real, you are honest, don't ever be ashamed of that!

I have to take a friend to Church later today and the first thing I will do is put your name up on the column. I will be honored to send up feeble prayer for you.

On the other hand, I believe that you do know Jesus. You just don't feel like you do! I know that feeling! Remember, FAITH is NOT FEELING. Don't go off of FEELING because they will let you down EVERY time!

One thing I used to do was to read Proverbs every day. I'd read the chapter with the corresponding date...today would be chapter 20. That was an amazing experience in that there was something that applied each day! Really!! Try it for 1 month and see what God will do and say;-))

Maryann...IBC
Shereen
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 8:59 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Val,

Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only working mom, with teens, in this world. It is hard to work full time and be a mother full time. I am just thankful that I am not a single mom. I do have a wonderful husband who is there every step of the way.

My husband and son are going to Vancouver on Labour Day. I will stay home with the girls. I wish I had time to go to Vancouver and see my brother, sis-in-law and other relatives I have there. I wish I could afford to live in Vancouver. Maybe one day in the far future, you and I will just up and leave for a weekend in Vancouver and meet each other. Wouldn't that be nice. Oh well, dream dream dream.
I would love to drive through Jasper again, on my way to the coast. I was born in Jasper and miss the mountains at times. I would love to go stand at the ocean and feel God's power and actually do that with a friend. That would be sooooooo nice. One day.......
Maryann
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 9:27 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Shereen!;-))

Check your mail;-))

Maryann
Shereen
Posted on Tuesday, March 20, 2001 - 9:45 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Maryann,

I can't check my mail from work, sorry. I will check it when I get home though. :-)

Shereen
Chyna
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 12:03 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

I'll be praying for you too. Of course we don't think less of you. Things I think about when everything seems like a mess is getting in line with God first, and even if everything doesn't fall exactly into place after that, it's much easier to look at things trusting in God.

Aha, the cool thing from the lecture series I wanted to note was that Ulyssess is in hell and how he doesn't trust anything beyond anything he has tasted, seen, touched, or experienced. However St. Augustine had read all the philosophers and had read the Bible, and after he read the Pauline Epistles he knew he had to take that step of trusting something outside himself, outside his own experience. realizing the limitations of being human.

Shereen, do you have any girlfriends to pray with you weekly? I did that during college, just three of us met for an hour a week and we just shared what was on our hearts and we prayed for each other. Things like that can help you feel balanced and more supported.

in Him *hug*, Chyna
Chyna
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 12:15 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I don't know how old your daughter is, but she's just testing the boundaries, and you have to set them. Believe it or not, as angry as she might get at you, it's what she wants. As a teenager you will push and push to find your parents' breaking point. It's a matter of asserting autonomy from your parents. Your daughter needs God in her life too ... my parents raised us three girls really strictly I didn't date at all during high school, and even when we 'cut loose' in college we still had a strong sense of Christianity to help guide us, thankfully!

aha, that was the third thing I thought was good from the lecture series is that we can't go by our hormones or let our desire corrupt our reason (sin), it's like a swallow (a bird) flying solely on the currents of the wind, up and down, and around toss around by the whims of the wind. That's what we are like without God.

this is a little random and not pertaining to you Shereen, but during the movie The Contender, the vp nominee has to explain how she committed adultery with her best friend's husband. And what she said is that even she was swayed by love. I thought that was a poor excuse; I was angry, that someone could blame 'love' for consciously deciding to sin and hurting their best friend!

lastly, children will act out even if their parents were the perfect parents. I've know lots of families where the parents were following God and they raised their children in the church and the children still fell away ...

I don't know, it sounds like your daughter needs some tough love, but love nonetheless.

hope this helps, Chyna
Shereen
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 6:38 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Chyna,

I have lots of friends to pray with but they are all SDA, I do have friends with other religions but most have moved away years ago.

My daughter is 16 and very personable. We talk and hug all the time. She hardly ever talks back. She is concerned with my feelings for almost everything and she laughs all the time. We have a wonderful relationship but she insists on living the way she wants. There are boundaries set but she sweetly goes about doing her own thing anyway. The only way to stop her is to sit on her. She really is different than most kids I have run into. My baby sister is a crack addict, prostitute and my ex (ambers dad) had a liver transplant from his drinking and hep C. My nephew is in jail for being a gang banger and drug runner (he is turning 19 on March 25). The rest of my family are very successful and educated. (doctors, lawyers, judges etc.)

I hope that my daughter can see the destruction of the drug side of life and the benefits of good living. She has excellent examples on both sides. I pray for her but have to let her go. Like Val said, sometimes you have to learn to let them take the consequences of their actions. I find it hard to watch her do these destructive things but there really isn't much a person can do to stop it. In Ambers case, it would end up being a very violent relationship if I did what was needed to stop her and even that would just send her out the door to more destructive behaviour. I guess I am finished with "forming" her and now I just have to guide.

Shereen
Valm
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 8:16 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Shereen,

You are a wise Mom. We are all out here praying for you and for Amber. Remember that the beauty and potential yhou see in her God sees that and more too! Just keep praying and in the end everything will work out for her and you. Most all of these young people who are giving their Mother's gray hair end up being the Mothers their Mothers were to them! So she is in good hands.

With regards to the birth control pills, perhaps it would be good for her to go in and talk to a health care provider as a sounding board to herself and an advisor to her noncompliance. Maybe another for of birth control would be better. Maybe she is not sexually active so she does not see the need. Personally I would wish for condoms and spermicide for my child as the protect agaist STDs. But then there are compliance issues with those also. In my work with young mothers I am astounded how may of them decide they are going to use condoms for birth control but have never seen one. And are not forsure if the father of their baby has ever used on . And they do not know about spermicides. What I like about letting a health care provider do that work is that as a Mother you can keep a stance of abstinence if that is your stance but provide her with the protection she needs to keep her healthy. A good family planning provider not only talks about condoms but teaches the clients how to put them on and also how to socially negoitiate the use of them with their partner. Also depo shot and the new IUDs are safe alternatives for the prevention of pregnancy and compliance is much easier.

I sorry all if this is too personal and I am sorry Shereen if it is too much. But I do believe that the protection of our children is important.

And pray for me and my one too. Joseph is pushing all of the limits lately. Yesterday I bought him his own alarm clock and told him that he was old enough to see to himself in the morning and I was too old and tired to take his verbal abuse while helping him along. He managed by himself this morning.

I better go and figure out my day. I am suppose to be at work in 15 minutes but Anthony has a fever and I threw my neck out last night at Yoga class. I will now call the chiropractor, work and perhaps see if I can find a sitter for a febrile child and then work the last half of the day.

Good day all.

Valerie
Shereen
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 11:02 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Val,

Actually, I have done all that you said. I have gotten a prescription for the implant but she refuses. She is sexually active but seems to think that she wants a baby. *shudder*

We have been to a couple doctors and to a doctor with the Terra Association.

I believe I have educated her in every way. I just have to sit back now and pray.

I will pray for you and yours also. Motherhood is the hardest but most rewarding work there is. I know we hear it alot but that is because it is true.

Shereen
Valm
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 5:20 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Shereen, You and your children are in my heart and prayers.

There are a lot of teenagers out there that want a baby. I think it is because they do not know about how much you give and have romanticized the rewards of parenting. But I have to say that some of the teen mothers I visit are much more up to the task then some of the more career driven and financially established mothers.

You are right you just have to sit back and pray. And we will all pray with you. And remember that All things work for good to them that love God..... This is a line called trust and obey. And boy oh boy that is a tough one when it comes to our children.

Valerie

PS what is the Terra Associatation?
Chyna
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 5:39 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

I really do grieve for your daughter's decision to become sexually active at such a young age. My mother wouldn't even let me date without a chaperone like one of my sisters! How is it possible for her to use drugs and be sexually active? Does she have privileges like access to cars? Being able to go out? Isn't she legally required to go to school? How does she go to raves where there is a lot of access to drugs? Who drives her there? Who let's her out of the house to do that? sorry for my plethora of questions, is there drug counseling she can go to? Although you say she is sweetly ignoring your boundaries it shows a lack of respect for your discretion as a parent. Her immaturity is apparent. Being charming is no excuse for ignoring the rules you and your husband have set for her. She's old enough to know, and she is under eighteen.

I started taking piano lessons at five years old, and had to practice everyday (weekday) until I was out of high school. Do you know how much I hated practicing? I would do anything to get out of practicing, I would cry, I would avoid it for as long as possible (we were supposed to practice before dinner). I would cry while playing the piano.

It must have been really stressful for my parents as I would bang loudly on the piano in defiance for about an hour or as however long I could sustain it. But now I'm 22, and I have amazing skill in playing classical piano and I totally love it. Being able to play a musical instrument well is a gift my parents were able to give me by discipline. The ease that my fingers fly over the keys is reward enough. If it had been up to me, I would have quit the first two years. I am so grateful that my parents didn't let me give up. I urge you even if you were to develop a violent relationship temporarily with your daughter to really give her strict discipline. Just speaking from personal experience as being having been a teenager and wanting more freedom and autonomy.

in Him, Chyna
Chyna
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 5:41 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

Also, until you decide to reach out for spiritual support (around you locally and not over the web), you won't get it.

Another thing I was listening to on my series is how the law was given as a stabilizer, which is another facet to why SDAs cling to it so because it stabilizes their lives.

in Him, Chyna
Valm
Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2001 - 7:26 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Chyna,

With all due respect, you can not compare your life and the parenting you received with this situation. There is much you will need to learn about parenting and won't be able to learn it until you have rolled up your sleeves and done it yourself.

My parents were the strictest of disciplinarians. I turned out to be overly serious and never had a real childhood. My oldest brother much the same. Well the two younger ones went hog wild and one of them to this day has addictive problems he can not manage. There are some situations, despite the best of behavioral techniques, will not have the results parents dream of.

I have a child with ADHD. He requires much different parenting than the other. He is musically gifted. He does not practice his cello but makes an A in orchestra. Why do I not make him practice? Because I have too many other battles that are more important to engage in. Perhaps your parents did not have the unique challenges in you that I have in Joseph or Shereen has in her child. They could afford to put their foot down and enforce practicing.

When Joseph was born he broke every rule in the parenting books. I received so much criticism from my friends and family. They felt that Joseph was the way he was because of my parenting. My parenting style was different because his needs required it to be different. And lo and behold, per all the testing Weschler, Woodcock Johnson, Slininger, ect. He was dxd as LD and probable ADHD. His Weschler had the classic pattern of a child with ADHD. Something I could never have altered with parenting style!!!

Once a friend told me that I was raising a spoiled Mamas boy with my parenting. Her first two kids were LOW MAINTAINENCE. Well her third one came with a vengence and a fury and she finally after 18 mos old confessed to me that her young months read like Joseph's. She cofessed that she had no IDEA!!

IN CLINICs that I have worked in I have often heard nurses complaining about "Why don't those parents do something with their child in the waiting room?" Well it is because they know that by doing something at the given time would cause more of a scene than if they would intervene in the rambunctious behavior of their child. And sure enough when I would review the child's records and family history there would be suggestions of family or child dx of ADHD.

I had really thought that things would be different in my household. And trust me they are not. God brought me the greatest of blessings along with a challenge. I learned to never say never. I learned to reach beyond the standard rules to find answers. I have learned to think outside of the BOX. But most of all I learned that I best be careful at giving advice, as the advice I may be giving may not be appropriate for the situation..

You ask alot of questions. Did you know that most drug usage and premarital sex amongst pre teens and teens happen during the hours of 3 and 6 PM? Statistical reality. These are the hours in which parents are usually finishing up their work days and are sitting in traffic making their ways home. Did you know that most high schools allow the students to be off campus during lunch and study hall periods? And trust me that many kids are sowing wild oats during this time also.

It seems liberal to advise a parent to teach their children the raw facts about Birth control, drug use, ect... However, despite a Mother's wish to have her child abstain from all of this, givng them only the advice to abstain is not equiping them with the safety they need should they choose otherwise. Yes my 12 year old has seen a condom and when he is a bit older he will learn to use one with a cucumber at the kitchen counter. but he wil also learn to socially negotiate a difficult situation in which he wishes to just say NO. And he will know that he can call me any time for a ride home due to drunken friends driving or himself drunk without any consequence. Why? Because, I have seen too many teenagers from good God respecting Church going parents who have ended up pregnant, with STDs or wrapped around old growth trees in their cars because safety was neglected due to personal spritual beliefs. I had a friend who got pregnant in college, a nursing student. Why? Because using birth control was premeditated sin. HA!!

All please excuse my bandwagon here. But our children are too important not to speak up. I have seen too many Christian health care providers, teachers, social workers, counselors, ect. pass judgemtn based mostly on their own spiritual point of view than the understanding of the dynamics of the individuals and families they are dealing with.

Chyna, I have a great respect for you and your accomplishments, but listen to a 40 something nurse practitioner. There is much you need to consider if you are going to be of maximum service in your career. Life inside of families is much more complicated that what you grew up with. You will need to learn to temper your advice to the realities of the situation.

Valerie
Chyna
Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2001 - 12:32 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Valerie,

I meant no disrespect with my advice, I know that situations differ, and are complex. I was only trying to offer a perspective from a daughter who has rebelled, (in my family I'm known as the rebellious one), and now can look back on what I thought was harsh or too strict and understand my parents' perspective.

Chyna
Shereen
Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2001 - 7:00 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Chyna,

It is obvious to me that you don't have children. I have been a mother since I was 20 years old. I am now 43. I have brought up 3 step children, and in the process of bringing up 3 of my own children.

Amber has always been my challenge. She has been diagnosed as ADD and Bi Polar. She is on anti depressants. I believe with my whole heart that God picked me to be her parent. Many ppl, throughout Ambers life, have asked me why I don't just put her in a home, rid myself of "the problem". The answer - I love her sooooooo much. I don't do anything for or with Amber without lots of prayers. Raves let kids in at 16 years of age here. I am legally responsible for Amber until she is 18 but the law won't let me do anything about her quitting school, etc. I have been with the school councillors about this and they have informed me that I don't have the legal right to keep her in school after she turns 16.

Believe me, there were many stressful times in our home trying to "control" this child. My son would end up in a corner crying for us to stop. Yelling, slapping, fighting, only made things escalate. You don't deal with a child like Amber the way you do a "normal" child. God chooses parents carefully. I was never a patient person but Amber has taught me all kinds of patience. Amber has also forced me to look at all kinds of different ways of bringing up children.

Now, you said: Also, until you decide to reach out for spiritual support (around you locally and not over the web), you won't get it.

I use the web because I can find no time to do much else. I have 3 children, one is a 20 mnth old, and a 92 year old grandma we take care of and a mother who had a kidney transplant and a disease of the nerves which is putting her into a wheelchair soon (she uses canes now) whom I also help with shopping, driving her around etc. I have a full time job to boot. Now you tell me where to find time. I would love to see anyone handling things as well as I do with what I have to work with. I wake up tired and go to sleep exhausted.

I turn to the web because that is all I can muster right now. I reach out to God constantly but have a down time once in a while and made the mistake of asking publicly for prayer. I WON'T make that mistake again.

Chyna, don't judge anyone until you walk in their shoes for a while.

Val, Terra Association works with young unwed teens who are pregnant or for councilling about pregnancy. They give these pregnant teens a chance to continue schooling and help them to get daycare so they can finish their education etc.

Thanks for standing up for all moms no matter what their situation but especially for moms with challenging kids.

Shereen
Valm
Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2001 - 7:17 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Good morning all,

I was just emailed a Bible text that absolutely fits this thread:

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." Isaiah 26:3

I am claiming it as MY promise today and hope that it will help any others out there who have the trouble of holding on to peace in the midst of their seemingly stormy life. I know I struggle with it!!

God Bless All and have a wonderful day.

Valerie
Valm
Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2001 - 7:24 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

God has a special place in his heart for children like Amber. In his love she is whole. Despite all of the outward behaviors she has strengths and gifts that God gave to her and her alone. Do not give up!!! I tell you that not because I think you will but to affirm to you that your battle for your child is really really worth it!!!


Take care and God Bless you. There will be special jewels in your crown in heaven and these jewels will let everyone know that you did saintly deeds for others on earth.

Valerie
Therese
Posted on Thursday, March 22, 2001 - 6:59 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

I have a 17 year old boy who we caught smoking pot and drinking at 15. It apparently was going on on a regular basis at other kids houses. His grades dropped, he became depressed, disrespectful, etc. and was on the road to a full blown addiction.

We sought the advise of several counselors and decided to take a tough love approach with him.

We took him to a psychiatrist for depression medications which we carefully monitored to be sure he took them, had him go for counselling (which he would not talk at) and put him on a family contract in which he earned points for correct behavior. The previous week's points earned him preagreed to privileges and rewards for the current week. He could not associate with any of the kids he drank or drugged with. I also called their parents and told them what was going on. He lost all those friends, which required him to make others. We set goals for things he wanted -- license, part-time job, driving privileges all dependent on good behavior. It was a positive approach rather than punishment for bad behavior. We did weekly drug tests. And had breathalizers on hand for alcohol.(You can buy home test over the internet.) We learned all the ways they beat these tests and made sure we did them in a way he couldn't beat them. It was hard and he messed up some, but we stayed consistent with the program. He was told if this did not work the next step was a 9-month residential program in which he would have to earn his way out of the program by good behavior. We also gave him LOTS OF love, encouragement and positive affirmation.

1 1/2 years later, he is now drug and medication free, has a 4.4 GPA, a great part-time job, involved in a church youth group and school sports, and nice friends. He has told us using the drugs was a dumb thing and he did it because it looked tough, fun, etc. We have seen a lot of maturity. The drugs really mess up their thinking and they stop maturing.

We still do random drug tests and have told him we will continue to do them as long as he lives with us. We no longer need the contract.

An important part of it was the written contract. We worked with a counselor who said this contract is what is used in the teen residential programs. The drug tests also serve as a reminder.

I thank God this worked. My family has a strong history of substance abuse and I know what it will do to him.

I don't know if a program like this can work for an ADHD kid. At 16 you still have a measure of control. At 18 you have none. Some counselors advised us to send him right away to a residential program. They said the window of opportunity was closing.

There are many good christian residential programs around the country that have a good success rate with turning these kids around. They are expensive, but will work with you with payment plans.

I will pray for you and your daughter.

God bless,

Therese
Chyna
Posted on Sunday, March 25, 2001 - 3:02 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Shereen,

I'm sorry, none of what I wrote was meant as a judgement. But you can't disagree that having someone there in person can do so much for you. You have more than a lot on your plate, I tend to go by the Dr. Phil philosphy, If you're not taking time for yourself, you're not going to be the best mother for your children. This is what he said to a mother of twin disabled girls who constantly fights battles for and tries to make sure everything is perfect for her. That's the same thing I'm trying to relate to you and your situation. You have to attend to your needs too. Your children don't want you to be stressed out or lacking spiritual support. Please don't feel like you can't voice a prayer or a vulnerability. I didn't mean anything as an attack on you or the way you raise your daughter, more as questions out of concern for your situations.

Chyna

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