| Author | Message | ||
| Chyna |
Today, after 9 months of complete silence, I tried to get in touch with my ex-SDA boyfriend because it is tearing me up inside the endless silence he has rewarded me with because I am against his religion. I called his grandparents because they knew me well from the summer when he was staying with them. I came to care for them a lot. Especially Grandpa Hayton, my own grandfather had passed away a few years ago, and being at their condominium was like having another set of grandparents. Grandpa Hayton loved having us come to his church. It turns out that Grandpa Hayton suddenly died in a car accident in October. And I loved him like one can only love a grandfather one has chosen to adopt. I didn't get to know about his death, or his funeral, or anything. although, even Grandpa Hayton chose to ignore me when I sent him an 80th birthday card. Why does Adventism have to hurt the ones outside of it who love those on the inside of it. in grief, Chyna | ||
| Chyna |
It Hurts when you learn that people you trusted implicitly - whom you were taught not to question - were ìpulling the wool over your eyesî albeit unwittingly. It Hurts when you learn that those you were taught were your ìenemiesî were telling the truth after all - but you had been told they were liars, deceivers, repressive, satanic etc and not to listen to them. It Hurts when you know your faith in God hasnít changed - only your trust in an organization - yet you are accused of apostasy, being a trouble maker, a ìJudasî. It hurts even more when it is your family and friends making these accusations. It Hurts to realize their love and acceptance was conditional on you remaining a member of good standing. This cuts so deeply you try and suppress it. All you want to do is forget - but how can you forget your family and friends? It Hurts to see the looks of hatred coming from the faces of those you love - to hear the deafening silence when you try and talk to them. It cuts deeply when you try and give your child a hug and they stand like a statue, pretending you arenít there. It stabs like a knife when you know your spouse looks upon you as demonised and teaches your children to hate you. It Hurts to know you must start all over again. You feel you have wasted so much time. You feel betrayed, disillusioned, suspicious of everyone including family, friends and other former members. It Hurts when you find yourself feeling guilty or ashamed of what you were - even about leaving them. You feel depressed, confused, lonely. You find it difficult to make decisions. You donít know what to do with yourself because you have so much time on your hands now - yet you still feel guilty for spending time on recreation. It Hurts when you feel as thought you have lost touch with reality. You feel as though you are ìfloatingî and wonder if you really are better off and long for the security you had in the organization and yet you know you cannot go back. It Hurts when you feel you are all alone - that no one seems to understand what you are feeling. It hurts when you realize your self confidence and self worth are almost non-existent. It Hurts when you have to front up to friends and family to hear their ìI told you soî whether that statement is verbal or not. It makes you feel even more stupid than you already do - your confidence and self worth plummet even further. It Hurts when you realize you gave up everything for the cult - your education, career, finances, time and energy - and now have to seek employment or restart your education. How do you explain all those missing years? It Hurts because you know that even though you were deceived, you are responsible for being taken in. All that wasted time ... at least that is what it seems to you - wasted time. The Pain Of Grief Leaving a cult is like experiencing the death of a close relative or a broken relationship. The feeling is often described as like having been betrayed by someone with whom you were in love. You feel you were simply used. There is a grieving process to pass through. Whereas most people understand that a person must grieve after a death etc, they find it difficult to understand the same applies in this situation. There is no instant cure for the grief, confusion and pain. Like all grieving periods, time is the healer. Some feel guilty, or wrong about this grief. They shouldnít - It IS normal. It is NOT wrong to feel confused, uncertain, disillusioned, guilty, angry, untrusting - these are all part of the process. In time the negative feelings will be replaced with clear thinking, joy, peace, and trust. | ||
| Valm |
Chyna, I have observed your grief over the months and I truly understand your grief and pain. What you have gone through is perhaps as significant of a death. And I have been through that too often in my 40 something life. Did I ever share with any of you that when I was 20 something, I had a finace who died 6 weeks before the wedding? I was just a little older than you and I know hoe it feels. Perhaps what I experienced was easier as mine was muchmore final with no turning back than yours is. Never the less, I want you to know that I really do care about your grief. I am concerned though that you are not moving forward but are stuck in an anger phase. Sometimes I feel that you have a torch to bear reguarding Adventist people that is not based on doctrine but on your very very deep hurt. The above post tells of alot of experiences that are not your own. I would not say that some or most of them are not realistic, they problably are. But these experiences are not only unique to Adventism. I have found this very behavior happening in many religions and many situations in many families. I have seen these very behaviors in formers in how they treat their SDA relatives and spouses!!! Yes, I agree that there is much for you and all of us to grief over in leaving Adventism. But I encourage all of us to put in in its proper perspective lest we turn around and repeat the hurt to the people who have hurt us and also to others in our path. With much compassion for your own situation. Valerie | ||
| Violet |
Dear Chyna, My dear sister in Christ. We do not understand the pain that one can afflict on another. We can only put our arms around ones who will accept the hugs. Here is one to you (((((O))))). I spent part of my afternoon at the Oklahoma City Bombing Memorial Park. Even though I only live 90 miles away, I have never been there before today. Only on the prompting of my 11 year old could I go and taste the memory and hurt of others. On one corner across the street from where the Murrah building stood is a statue. It is facing with his back to the site, a tall white figure of a man with his hands covering his face. As I looked across the street a feeling of sadness came over me, it started to sink in what the statue was all about. As I went across the street to look at the writing at the base I could hardly hold back the tears. Three simple words. "And Jesus Wept". Jesus knows the pain you feel, He cries with you and He holds you tight. We may never understand why some people do what they do, but cling to the promise of in a little while we will see Jesus, look for His smile, it will all be worth the wait. Love Vi | ||
| Allenette |
Chyna: Your boyfriend and family are doing the healthy thing BY IGNORING you and hoping you will get on with your life!!!!You are getting obsessed with SDA and that aint healthy girlie! There are a LOT of sicko religions out there and you NEED to get on with your life and put this behind you. Its the same thing I've been telling you for a year or so and yet it gets shuffled away like I'm some sort of pariah for not indulging in your realizations! Surely out there is some other less-than-perfect male who will love you for what you are....just like the rest of us finally found, ok? GIVE IT UP!!!! best wishes BTW, Allenette | ||
| Valm |
Allenette, I here what you are saying. When my fiance' died I didn't think I would ever get on with it. But once I did I realized that there was a whole lot more out there worth pursuing than to stay put. Chyna, Her advice might hit hard in the gut. But she is giving you the reality of the situation. You deserve to live life with a whole lot more happiness than you have over the last year. You won't realize it unless you move forward. And part of moving forward may be putting to rest all this SDA stuff. It wasn't the SDA church who jilted you; it was a young man who was straddling the fence between two lives. He did not know him self and you got ripped off in the process of his self centered "self-discovery". I hope you understand that I am not saying this to be mean but saying it with the full understanding of how much you hurt and how much you deserve to feel a whole lot better. Valerie | ||
| Chyna |
the SDA stuff will never be put to rest as long as there are people deceived in SDAism. as for the rest, it's my journey. | ||
| Chyna |
Thanks for the hug Violet. well, according to some pop psych book I read there are several emotions one goes through to make it to healing up properly: Grief Anger Sorrow Sadness Fear for what will happen that you do not want to happen to you Anger connects you to what went wrong that you didn't want Sorrow what will not happen that you wanted to happen Sadness connects you to the sweetness of your memories I lifted "It Hurts" from a Cult recovery page. It captures the essence of how many people feel after leaving a cult, such as Adventism. As for the various assessments, I am not angry. Right now I'm grieving for the death of a man I knew and loved, and grieving at the silence of someone I love dearly and wish for peace with. however my friend made me realize I've already done everything I could have possible done to reach out to him to reconcile as friends, but it's been his choice to remain in anger, so it is his regret and not mine. don't worry so much Allenette, I am progressing, I even have someone else now to share at least daydreams with. but I will never get over Adventism. it simply isn't possible. it's just like trying to get over Mormonism or JW'ism, Satanism, any other world religion than Christianity. But Adventists are the ones that I want to reach, I've been so blessed by hearing all the stories of those that have made it out and I want to be part of that as long as the SDA church exists. in Him, Chyna | ||
| Valm |
Dear Chyna, Please reread my posts and look at the words COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING, DESERVE. It will be hard for you to believe that I understand and ache for you but I do as I have been through it in different circumstances. I am writing this in light of your post on the other thread. And also my reply. Yes you are feeling defensive about my opinions. But you are not reading any of the things I say to you in kindness. You are able to adress everyone else above but myself. Why is that? I will give you my last peice of advice. Talk to your Mother extensively about this. Mine was a Godsend in my grief. Does you Mom know how involved you are with your website and FAF? If you were my daughter and you are young enough to be so, I would want you to get into see a good grief therapist and get on with your life. You are a young, vibrant intelligent young lady. If you were my daughter I would with you to seek the happiness you deserve, and it isn't here. God's commission to us it to share the Gospel message and love. He doesn't encourage us to expose cults. Cults will cease from existence if we are all just sharing the Gospel message the way we should be. Truly, although I gave some very harsh words on the other thread, I wish you the best and do not fail to pray daily that you will be able to come our of your grife experience. Valere | ||
| Rich |
Chyna We don't know each other but I know some of the pain that you speak of. It has not been until the past year that I have started to really grieve my experience with SDAism. While I understand where some of the others who have left you messages are coming from in encouraging you to move on..... One does not just move on. One must pass all the way through the valley of the shadow of death to get to the other side. I am still in mine. I have good days. I have bad days. Each day is a battle of a unique kind. Being told to "get over it" really does no good. Being told to "love thy enemy" really does no good. Only leaning on the everlasting strength of Jesus sustains me from making choices that could be devastating. Only leaning on Christ will bring healing. Those who have not gone before do not, cannot, understand the depth and breadth of it. Dear Lord, I pray for healing in Chyna life and relationships. I know some of her pain. You know all of it. Thank you for that. Thank you for being a God who loves us even when we are in that dark valley. Rich |
