| Author |
Message |
Denisegilmore
| | Posted on Sunday, January 27, 2002 - 8:09 pm: |     |
Snowdove,
That is a beautifully Spirit filled poem indeed.
Thank you and may our Lord Jesus Himself shower you with many blessings. You and your entire household.
DtB, your sister in Christ our Saviour |
Sabra
| | Posted on Monday, January 28, 2002 - 7:16 pm: | |
Yes Snowdove! That is awesome! Thank you for sharing your talent.
Sabra |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2002 - 7:19 pm: | |
Church Bulletins!
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
15) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16) Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his
birth.
18) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
20) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole
evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
25) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28) The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
30) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31) The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Smile... |
Sherry2 (Sherry2)
| | Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2002 - 8:00 pm: | |
Oh, how very funny!! Thanks for sharing, Joshua! |
Sherry2 (Sherry2)
| | Posted on Thursday, February 28, 2002 - 8:03 pm: | |
Ok, I'm bringing in more.
Warning Labels
>
>
> In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
> through
> stupidity, here are some actual labeled instructions on consumer
> goods.
>
> On a Sear's hair-dryer:
> "Do not use while sleeping."
> (Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
>
> On a bag of Fritos:
> "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary."
> (The shoplifter special)
>
> On a bar of Dial soap:
> "Directions: Use like regular soap."
> (And that would be how ...?)
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
> (But its "just" a suggestion)
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
> "Do not turn upside down."
> (Too late!)
>
> Spencer Bread Pudding:
> "Product will be hot after heating."
> (As night follows day . . . ?!)
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
> "Do not iron clothes on body."
> (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
> "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
> medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
> we
> could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those
> forklifts.)
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid:
> "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (I should hope so....)
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights:
> "For indoor or outdoor use only."
> (As opposed to what?)
>
> On a Japanese food processor:
> "Not to be used for the other use."
> (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
>
> On Sainsbury's peanuts:
> "Warning: contains nuts."
> (Talk about a news flash.)
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
> (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
>
> On a child's superman costume:
> "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
> (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
>
> > Now that you've laughed your head off it's your turn to spread the
> humor
> and send this to someone you want to have a good laugh. We all
> need a good smile every once in a while.
> |
Colleentinker (Colleentinker)
| | Posted on Friday, March 01, 2002 - 3:10 pm: | |
OK, I'll jump in. Some of my favorite humor has come from my students' vocabulary quizzes over the past three years. I'll share a few, listing the vocab word first, then the sentences they wrote using the word.
insolent: I have to take my insolent or I will die.
oppression: I left a good oppression.
transgression: You have to exercise transgression when picking out a prom dress.
vex: I have to take my dog to the vex.
hamlet: We had a hamlet for breakfast.
intercession: He waited until the intercession to use the bathroom.
conundrums: I played the conundrums in the school band.
Here's one my most horrific favorites, printed with misspellings:
profoundly: The new girl who came to are school last Monday was profoundly ejacated.
Colleen |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Friday, March 01, 2002 - 11:22 pm: | |
Colleen I got a nice chuckle from them.
Thanks Sis!
We need humor!
It's Josh, by gosh!
:-) |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Saturday, March 02, 2002 - 6:06 am: | |
"Making Pancakes"
Six-year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove, (and he didn't know how the stove worked!).
Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door.
Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend or we can't stand our job or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do.
That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes," for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
--Author Unknown
In His love,
Joshua |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Saturday, March 02, 2002 - 7:12 pm: | |
This is Priceless:
In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another, and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month, he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line, figuring that if there were usage on the account, it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company, who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day, he got a bill for $0.00, stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that, having spoken to them the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00, stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game, and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account, and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks for ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused the computer to crash.
The following month, the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced, and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check by return mail, they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
Keep smiling
Josh |
Lori (Lori)
| | Posted on Sunday, March 03, 2002 - 7:40 am: | |
The rest of the story:
The (above mentioned) matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee, MA and the outcome was this: The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer. |
Loneviking (Loneviking)
| | Posted on Saturday, March 09, 2002 - 6:02 am: | |
It's nothing short of amazing how stupid some companies can be. Washington Mutual bought the mortgage to a rental property that I own. In just four short months (during which I have checks showing payment) they have me as being $600 in arrears. But the final straw was a bill that had a date of Jan. 31, 2002 with a demand for payment by Jan. 1, 2002! I wrote and asked them how I was supposed to accomplish this feat of time travel and I haven't had a reply as yet! |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 3:21 pm: | |
A small boy stunned his parents after church services when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters.
Finally his mother asked the obvious question,
"Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly.
"They have bowls of it."
Keep on smiling,
Joshua |
Sherry2 (Sherry2)
| | Posted on Tuesday, March 12, 2002 - 6:54 pm: | |
I think you'll get a kick out of this one! 
A Sweede Baptist man( Sven) lived in a traditional Finnish Catholic neighborhood Rock Michigan..
Every Friday, the Catholics (Aino, and Toivo) were driven crazy because, while they were
morosely eating fish, Sven was outside barbecuing venison steaks.
Aino and Toivo worked on Sven, attempting to convert him to
Catholicism. Finally, after much pleading and some threats, the Catholics
succeeded.
They took Sven to a priest who sprinkled Holy Water on the man while
saying, "Born a Baptist, Raised a Baptist, Now a Catholic!"
The Catholics were ecstatic but this was short-lived for, the next Friday
evening, the scent of barbecue venison once again drifted through the neighborhood.
The Catholics all rushed to the ex-Baptist's house to remind him of his new
diet.
They found him standing over the cooking venison steaks, sprinkling water on the
meat and saying,
"Born a deer, Raised a deer, Now a whitefish!" |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Thursday, March 14, 2002 - 7:06 am: | |
Crazy Baptism
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play"
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
"Yes. What do you think that means?"
"That means we're Pisscopalians."
SMILE! |
Jtree (Jtree)
| | Posted on Friday, May 03, 2002 - 9:10 am: | |
*Church Hopping*
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years. Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island, and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church." |
Doug222 (Doug222)
| | Posted on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 9:34 am: | |
I know this isn't the normal type of humor in this thread, but something happened to me the other day that I thought was funny, so I'll share it here.
I had brought a lunch to work and had just finished heating it up in the microwave. A new co-worker came by and said, "oh what's that smell?" I told him it was a meatless hamburger patty (a griller)--no, I am not a vegetarian, but we do have the freedom to eat WHATEVER <smile> we want. He made this strange expression, and said "oh no!" Of course my response was, what's wrong with eating a meatless patty?" He said, my wife and her family used to be a SDA, you cannot imagine how difficult it was going to a restaurant and ordering. My mouth about hit the floor. As it turns out, his father-in-law was a SDA Pastor who left the church in the late 80's for theological reasons. I think he said he is now a Baptist minister. Anyway, the encounter sparked a discussion about his views of SDA. He compared them to JW's, and said they appear to have an inordinate focus on end-time events. He also used the word cult to describe them.
For a brief moment, I found myself defending SDAs, saying how they weren't really like the JW, then I came to my senses. Anyway, I just thought I would share this with the group. It probably wouldn't have any meaning to anyone but one of us. Its a small world isn'
t it?
Doug |
Sherry2 (Sherry2)
| | Posted on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:41 am: | |
It sure is. Wow!! That's pretty amazing. How cool. Thanks for sharing. |
Colleentinker (Colleentinker)
| | Posted on Sunday, May 12, 2002 - 6:03 pm: | |
Doug--that actually is funny! I especially liked your description of yourself defending the SDAs and then coming to your senses! I understand!
It certainly IS a small world!
Colleen |
Sabra (Sabra)
| | Posted on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 4:34 pm: | |
Doug,
I thought it strange to hear, "My wife and her family used to be SDA" I never heard that sentence before very recently. When I was growing up, NOBODY "used" to be SDA. Now I hear it so often. A girl from grade school just wrote me after like 20 years and she goes to a non-denominational church. Like no big deal! It encourages me that God is working and that those that do leave seem to be so much more spiritual and close to God. I think it's wonderful!
I ordered a garden burger from Backyard burgers today for some DUMB reason, it was YUCK! ha ha |
Sabra (Sabra)
| | Posted on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 4:09 pm: | |
Compliments of Dennis Rainwater-
Thanks Dennis!!
YOU MAY HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP SDA IF:
You pronounce "Adventist" as "AD-ventist," not "ad-VEN-tist."
Your "little friend" wasn't a person.
Your bedtime stories were about real people instead of fairy tales.
You had an Uncle Arthur, Uncle Dan and Aunt Sue and were amazed to find out that all your friends in Sabbath School did too.
You think of a kid's club instead of cars when you hear the term "Pathfinder."
You ever wondered if the earth would last long enough for you to get married
You know HMS as a name, not a ship.
You know how to play poker with Bible Authors cards and Wheat Thins.
You know how to play Rook but not bridge or hearts.
On Sabbath, your parents told you, "You can wade, but do not swim."
You accidentally fell in the pool more on Sabbath than all other days put together.
The word "Philistine" means something to you.
You were never allowed to go to a movie, unless it was a church sponsored activity.
You know the Review as something other than a full military dress inspection.
You agreed to sing Christmas carols so you wouldn't have to solicit door-to-door.
You read labels on cans years before nutritional labeling was available.
You peeled labels off cans years before recycling became fashionable.
You have ever asked for a Veggie-Whopper at Burger King.
You take a helping of Nuteena because you like it, not out of courtesy.
You can tell the difference between Linkettes and Vegelinks with your eyes closed.
You know 101 ways to prepare Fri-Chik.
You have more than twelve uses for soy beans.
You can stack 3000 calories on a plate at a church potluck.
You know what Ruskets are.
Your guilt trip ended the day Nabisco started using vegetable shortening in Oreos. |
Doug222 (Doug222)
| | Posted on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 7:23 pm: | |
Oh please, give us more! Those were good. Especially the one about "wading but not swimming." How about this one: You know you were raised Adventist if you know "MV" does not stand for Motor Vehicle. <smile>
Doug |
Jmorris_4 (Jmorris_4)
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 8:52 am: | |
Those were excelent Sabra!
I loved them!
Jill |
Violet (Violet)
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 12:58 pm: | |
One of the sad things is I remember praying, no begging God to let me have enough time before He came to get married and have children.
The way we were brought up was border line abusive. Being scared to death of the Sunday laws and being thrown in jail.
But the one liners were GREAT!!!
Also don't forget that song you sang on the playground..
Oh I wish I were a Loma Linda Linkette... |
Thomas1 (Thomas1)
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 3:53 pm: | |
Ok, I know most of you won't remember most of these, (if you do you really ARE an old "fossil") but it brings to memory some of MY days in the movement.
You were probably raised SDA if;
You had to put food back at a family dinner, because it came from ìthe wrong dishî.
You thought eating a hot dog was a mortal sin.
You thought Bowling was a sin.
You were surprised to find that the book of Ellen White was not in the Bible.
You took ìBibleî classes for 12 ñ 16 years in schoolÖ..and rarely ever opened one.
You waited in line for an hour for the sun to go down on Saturday, so the staff could open the doors to the ìBook and Bible houseî at Camp Meeting and you could stock up on your yearís supply of ìhealthî food. (It always opened exactly 1/2 hour after ìsundownî.)
You thought that Del Delker and the Kingís Heralds were Top 40 artists.
You were the only family you knew who didnít have a television.
You were an adult before you realized that the ìRadio/Phonographî could be used for more than playijg ìChapel Recordsî.
Everyone nervously waited for the sun to go down so they could do ìsomethingî.
You knew what the terms ìOffshootî and ìBack-sliderî meant.
You wondered why there were no ìblackî people in your church.
You did not know what the local Ball scores were, or who was President, but you could tell the ìsundownî to the minute in three different time zones.
When you read the Bible through for he first time you were shocked to find that the texts you had learned didnít say what you thought they had said, when you put them back into context.
The family vacation was always in July, when you went to camp meeting and lived in a tent and went to meetings all day.
You know what ìCPísî wearing Pith helmets were.
There were divisions in the church between the ìThese Timesî and the ìSigns of the Timesî readers.
You thought ìBible Studiesî always came on film strips and featured scary animals and images.
You went home and hid because you found out the friend you had just met in the neighborhood was a Catholic and you had told him you were an Adventist. You were sure he would ìreportî so ìtheyî would know which house to come to when the Persecution started.
You remember your parents talking in hushed towns with worried looks on their faces, the night that John Kennedy was elected.
You thought EVERY kid had to leave home when they were 13 and go away to school.
You know what ìtaste killerî is. (Ketchup)
You know what the terms ìsocial boundî and ìcampus boundî are.
You thought everyone ìdatedî by meeting at the Gymnasium and talking or playing games. Never holding hands or otherwise touching. And of course, NEVER kissing!
You knew what a ìDeanî and ìHall monitorsî were.
As a girl, you ever had to kneel to make sure your skirt touched the floor.
You believed the perfect source of protein was the bean, or the nut.
You know what ìmissionary contactî cards are.
You could read your lesson quarterly for the whole week and never crack a Bible.
The most serious argument to be offered in any situation was ìIn the Testamonies, Sr. White saysÖÖ..î. It Settled ALL disputes.
You grew up believing that the ìTruthî and Adventism were different words meaning the same thing. (He joined the ìTruthî. Letís pray that they will come to the ìTruthî. Etc.)
And last but not least:
You have lived in the same neighborhood all of your life and do not know anyone your own age unless they are Adventist, too.
Isn't GRACE wonderful!
In His Grip
Thomas
<>< |
Colleentinker (Colleentinker)
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 4:45 pm: | |
I'm afraid they're all familiar to me, Thomas! My sister and I have always been able to create humor with EGW allusions thrown into conversations. It's kind of pathetic that we could do EGW allusions much more fluently than we could do Shakespeare, or, sayóthe Bible!
Colleen |
Lori (Lori)
| | Posted on Friday, October 04, 2002 - 4:28 pm: | |
Last night I was explaining to my husband how the Adventist conduct their Revelation Seminars/Evangelistic meetings.
1. Always begin in a hotel meeting room, conference center,etc....NEVER located at the SDA Church.
2. No advertisement reveals what church is sponsoring the meetings. They are only identified as Prophecy Crusade, Revelation Seminar, etc..
3. The first and foremost priority is to avoid letting anyone know who is sponsoring the meetings until after they have impressed you with their extensive knowledge of Bible prophecy.
4. Only after you have spent two to three weeks under their influence will they finally tell you who they are.
He immediately responded, "Oh, I get it, it's like Amway!!" |
Jerry (Jerry)
| | Posted on Friday, October 04, 2002 - 6:08 pm: | |
5. Make sure that several of the attendees are church members nodding and agreeing and looking amazed.
Now we're talking "three card monte" |
Dennisrainwater (Dennisrainwater)
| | Posted on Sunday, October 06, 2002 - 1:51 pm: | |
Also a very important Amway technique!! Make sure to take notes and look attentive and EXCITED!
That is our second "exit-experience" that we are currently "processing". You wouldn't BELIEVE the similarities in applied manipulation and mind-controlling techniques! At least in the "organization" we were part of...
But God was good enough to get us through the pain of leaving Adventism -- and He is getting us through this too!
I'm so glad that God doesn't play tricks and mind-games with us. If the truth can't stand up to scrutiny -- no matter what angle you approach it from -- probably it isn't truth!!
Resting in the SIMPLICITY that is in Christ(2 Cor 11:3),
Den<>< |
|
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