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Jtree
Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2001 - 5:12 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Q. Where is the first baseball game in scripture?


A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Colleentinker
Posted on Monday, December 17, 2001 - 4:48 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I'm going to piggy-back on your Biblical humor, Jtree. When I was working on my English minor at Northwest Nazarene College while I was teaching at Gem State Academy in Idaho, I had an American Lit professor who made up the best tests. One lingers in my mindóunfortunately, I can't remember all the multiple choices he gave, but I do remember two. The question read, "Which of the following references to baseball are not found in the Bible?" Two of his choices were: A-In the Big Inning, and B-Where are the nine?

Colleen
Windmotion
Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2001 - 10:42 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Here is a brain twister:
Q. "Who in the Bible was older than his father but died before his father."

think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
Hey, you are supposed to be trying to figure this out!!
think
think
think
think
think
think
think
think

OK give up?
A. Methusaleh. His father Enoch was translated and never died.
Doug222
Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2001 - 6:08 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I was thinking it was Jesus. He was older than Joseph, but died before him. Is that a stretch? Doug
Windmotion
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 10:50 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Technically Joseph wasn't Jesus' father, but it is a good guess. I hadn't thought of those guys.
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 11:27 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those
dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 11:31 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 12:38 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A pastor search committee interviewed a recent seminary graduate. The candidate was young, and the committee wondered about his level of Bible knowledge. The chairman of the committee asked the student, "Do you know the Bible?"

"Of course," he replied, "I just graduated from seminary!"

"Then tell us a story of the Bible--how about the 'Good Samaritan,'" replied the chairman?"

"No problem," said the pastoral candidate.

"There was a man of the Samaritans named Nicodemus. He went down to Jerusalem by night, and he fell among the stony ground, and the thorns choked him half to death. "So he said, 'What shall I do? I will arise and go to my father's house.' So he arose and climbed up into a sycamore tree. The next day the three wise men came and got him and carried him to the ark for Moses to take care of him. But, as he was going into the Eastern gate into the ark, he caught his hair in a limb, and he hung there for forty days and forty nights. Afterward he was hungry, and the ravens came and fed him.

"The next day he caught a boat and sailed down to Jerusalem. When he got there he saw Delilah sitting on a wall, and he said, 'Chunk her down, boys!' They said, 'How many times shall we chunk her down, until 7 times 7?' 'No, not until 7, but 70 times 7.'
"So they threw her down 490 times, and she burst asunder in their midst, and they picked up 12 baskets of the fragments that were there. In the resurrection, whose wife will she be?"

The committee sat stunned. They conferred briefly, then the chairman spoke to the seminary graduate. "Well, young man, we are going to recommend you as our next pastor. You may be young, but you sure know your Bible!"
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 12:48 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Kids Views on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who theyíre going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who youíre stuck with. - Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. - Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both donít want any more kids. - Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

Iíd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When theyíre rich. - Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldnít want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. Itís the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

Itís better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDNíT GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldnít there? - Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 12:53 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Subject: Office Christmas Party
FROM: Ms. .Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our principal dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, December 23, 2001 - 12:58 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew, occasionally walking around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl, who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl casually replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Jtree
Posted on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 10:20 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Ladies of FAF, you will probably "kill me" for this one :-)

What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW.
Jtree
Posted on Sunday, January 20, 2002 - 9:16 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Did Jesus Use a Modem at the Sermon on the Mount?
(Author Unknown)

Did Jesus use a modem,
At the Sermon on the Mount?
Did He ever try a broadcast fax,
To send His message out?
Did the disciples carry beepers,
As they went about their route?
Did Jesus use a modem,
At the Sermon on the Mount?

Did Paul use a Laptop,
With lots of RAM and ROM?
Were his letters posted on a BBS,
At Paul.Rome.Com?
Did the man from Macedonia,
Send an E-Mail saying "Come?"
Did Paul use a Laptop,
With lots of RAM and ROM?

Did Moses use a joystick,
At the parting of the Sea?
And a Satellite Guidance Tracking System,
To show him where to be?
Did he write the law on tablets,
Or are they really on CD?
Did Moses use a joystick,
At the parting of the Sea?

Did Jesus really die for us,
One day upon a tree?
Or was it just a Hologram,
Or Technical Wizardry?
Can you download the Live Action Video Clip,
To play on your PC?
Did Jesus really die for us,
One day upon a tree?

Have the wonders of this modern age,
Made you question what is true?
How a single man, in a simple time,
Could offer life anew?
How a sinless life, a cruel death,
Then a glorious life again,
Could offer more to a desperate world,
Than all the inventions of man?

If in your life, the voice of God,
Is sometimes hard to hear.
With other voices calling,
His doesn't touch your ear.
Then set aside your laptop and modem,
And all your fancy gear.
And open your Bible, open your heart,
And let your Father draw near.

*************************************************

From an email.

In His love...

Joshua of the Rock!
Jtree
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 5:59 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Where exactly are we?

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.

They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

"Hi! My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said:

"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Jtree
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 6:40 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

FOR ALL INTERRESTED!

On a Yahoo Adventist Forum, two or three Christians are under persecution by claimed Adventist.

The link:

http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/seventhdayadventists

(YOU CAN READ THE MSG'S WITHOUT JOINING ALSO)

go to message #6617 or so, (or to read the WHOLE STORY) go to msg #308 (when I started posting to this yahoo Forum, the persecution started on me then).

There is our Dear friend Patti, she is facing heavy persecution!

In this forum, there is something commical about it all.

The characters
tmac1238
Revelation_14_6
Dr Patti (OUR SISTER UNDER PERSECUTION)

See for yourself how funny this yahoo forum is, and how hostile and UNLOVING our FRIENDS THE ADVENTIST are towards Christians, in discussion.

They belittle everything you believe, twist it, publish it online. Smearing those who love the Lord.

Please pray for Patti, and if you want, jump in and help defend the Gospel, Dr. Patti, US, YOU, ME, every believer in all time, every doctrine belief that the Apostles of Christ has taught us, threw His WRITTEN WORD!

If you do not want to participate there, please post your reactions here perhaps?

Main thing is pray for Dr. Patti.
Jtree
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 6:43 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

FOR ALL INTERRESTED!

On a Yahoo Adventist Forum, two or three Christians are under persecution by claimed Adventist.

The link:

http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/seventhdayadventists

(YOU CAN READ THE MSG'S WITHOUT JOINING ALSO)

go to message #6617 or so, (or to read the WHOLE STORY) go to msg #308 (when I started posting to this yahoo Forum, the persecution started on me then).

There is our Dear friend Patti, she is facing heavy persecution!

In this forum, there is something commical about it all.

The characters
tmac1238
Revelation_14_6
Dr Patti (OUR SISTER UNDER PERSECUTION)

See for yourself how funny this yahoo forum is, and how hostile and UNLOVING our FRIENDS THE ADVENTIST are towards Christians, in discussion.

They belittle everything you believe, twist it, publish it online. Smearing those who love the Lord.

Please pray for Patti, and if you want, jump in and help defend the Gospel, Dr. Patti, US, YOU, ME, every believer in all time, every doctrine belief that the Apostles of Christ has taught us, threw His WRITTEN WORD!

If you do not want to participate there, please post your reactions here perhaps?

Main thing is pray for Dr. Patti.
Sabra
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 8:23 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Wow, what a hostile environment! An unenlightened group I must say. Such condemnation, as expected. Thanks Joshua for pointing out just how great it is to be FREE!! What are they going to do when there is no Sunday law? Really, at what point do you think they will figure out it's 1844 again?
Denisegilmore
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 10:48 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Wow Jtree,

I went there and what a terrible place to hang out! Seems full of hate and I really did want to jump in and stand for the cause but I can see that it would probably be a fruitless attempt as they are thinking like junior high school kids. Very sad, very very sad.

I will eventually end up speaking out but not this night.

May God move that site to focus on Jesus Christ, amen.

Your sister in Christ,
DtB
Denisegilmore
Posted on Saturday, January 26, 2002 - 10:52 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I am praying and have been, for Patti.

And for the hearts of all involved.
Snowdove
Posted on Sunday, January 27, 2002 - 6:31 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Jtree

This a poem that came to my heart after reading the posts on that web site.

If anyone feels like sharing it with anyone go ahead for this is written by the Spirit.

May His Love always Light your way

Love
Snow Dove
-----------------------------------------------
Oh how my Spirit mourns

For those who claim to know me.
Yet they fight among themselves as to who is right and who is not
They donít see the pain they cause; all they see is everyone else is lost.
I died for each one of you but you use my words to hurt.
I did not come to condemn but to set you free
But in return you condemn all those who donít agree.
As you use the word I said and twist them as the crown of thorns
To pierce others in my fold,
I cry for I see the enemy

Oh how my Spirit mourns

Where is the faith that I have given you?
Where is the Love you claim to have?
You say you have the truth but donít you remember
I am the Way, the Truth and the Light
Stop battling among yourselves
For Children the war is about to start.
And you are not ready yet you see
For where is your faith to set you free?

Oh how I cry for thee.

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