| Author | Message | ||
| Lori (Lori) |
I spent this past weekend with my parents. What used to be a happily anticipated time has now been changed to a dreaded encounter. Even when things go well....meaning no religious statements are even attempted. It's not enjoyable. I'm simply waiting for the axe to fall. Well, it fell this weekend. It takes less and less to widen the barrier between us. I have now advanced to the silent treatment and I don't even know what I did wrong! A comment, which seems to be what set it off this time had no religious connotations!!! My Mom left in tears barely making eye contact with me. I apologized for what I thought had upset her (she shook her head and said "that's not what's wrong" and walked out the door). The usual call to let me know they arrived home safely never came. I have dissappointed them greatly by leaving the church. They are hurting deeply; they are mournful over my destiny. Everyone else in my life can see how my relationship with Christ has grown. My family can't or won't see it. However, I realize that I also stifle my joy and refrain from expressing my confidence in their presence because many of the things I would say would contradict their Adventist beliefs. I know the deep sorrow they feel over me because of their beliefs. I know they look at me as a failure in the most important decision in life. I'm know my Mother blames herself and wonders what she did wrong to cause me to choose this path of destruction. They don't know how close I am to Christ. They don't know how the word of God circulates through my mind. To them I am worldy because I reject their day of worship. If I simply accepted the Sabbath and pretended to be one of them they would feel differently about me. I have found that one does not necessarily have to "keep" the Sabbath; it is only necessarily that you know it is vital for salvation and at some point down the road you will have to keep it properly. Until then you can violate the edges but you still must believe in its importance. Maybe it's arrogance on my part but I hate knowing that I am viewed as a failure by them. I detest their looks of disapproval. My Mother who knew me so well knows nothing about me anymore. I can't share what I'm learning in the Word of God because pratically everything that brings me joy blatantly contradicts her beliefs. It's almost like I don't have parents anymore........that part of me died when I rejected the Adventist beliefs. My Mother told me that if I rejected the Adventist beliefs I was rejecting them. Their actions toward me have actually caused that to be true. It's taken almost three years for our relationship to degrade to this point. Our relationship now is virtually non-existent. I know others of you are experiencing similar situations. I can't change how they feel about me. But I also can't act like nothings wrong. I can't pretend that nothing has changed in our relationship. Sometimes I think total abstinence from them would be the best solution. | ||
| Doug222 (Doug222) |
Lori, I am so sorry to hear about your relationship with your parents. That must be very painful. I have a friend who is going through the same exact experience as you and she has expressed similar feelings. Her family has not "rejected" her, but they have expressed extreme disappointment. They cry frequently and make mean-spirited comments about her salvation (or lack thereof). She has arrived at the same conclusion that you have, that it is best to avoid as many situations as possible that she knows will trigger strong reactions. I don't know that anyone here can realy offer you any answers. All we can do is be supportive of what you are going through and continue to pray that God will grant you peace. This is the "suffering" that Jesus spoke of. I am fortunate that my family lives miles aways from me. Those who are "practicing Adventists" know of my decision, but have not reacted in such a strong way. They have tkaen more of an indirect approach--little comments here and there spoken in "jest." I guess my whole point in writing is just to assure you that you are not a failure--which I think you already knew. "If God be for you, who can be against you?" For encouragement, read the book of Phillipians, which gives encouragement for those who are going to trials for the sake of their faith. Peace and Grace Doug | ||
| Jerry (Jerry) |
I agree with Doug about reading Philippians. I hope others will give their ìformerî experience. I cannot have had that experience exactly as you did. However, I would like to give you my reaction to what you have written, for whatever values it holds. I am so very sorry that you and your parents had to experience this pain. Unfortunately, this seems like it was destined to happen. However, it was not because of your decision. It was because of their choices. You should know what you ìdid wrong.î You finally made it clear that their ultimatum was not going to work. When you wrote, ìMy Mother told me that if I rejected the Adventist beliefs I was rejecting them,î I saw the answer. You must understand that she was projecting her threat to reject you. This is NOT YOUR FAULT! I can see that you and your parents love each other deeply. That is why they are resorting to such hurtful actions. They think it is the only way to get you ìback into the fold.î What they are doing, as wrong and as hurtful as it has been, is a misguided act of love. I hope you can find it in your heart to find a way to respond with genuine love. You can count on further acts of rejection and disapproval. As painful as it will be, I suggest you try to respond always with expressions of the love that you obviously feel. Should you abstain from visiting them or inviting them to your home? Perhaps, but only to help you heal and to maintain as much peace as you need to stay ìsane.î There is no need to apologize, unless you made some other obvious mistake. You did not make them upset. They did it to themselves. Good luck and God bless you with His love. | ||
| Lydell (Lydell) |
Lori, I'm so sorry to hear about how your parents are reacting. I know you have to be hurting. My husband was raised in an unbelieving home. When he accepted Christ at 19 he went home to excitedly tell his parents about the change in his life. He was floored when they blew up. His mom's response was, "what do you need Jesus for? Haven't we always given you all the love you need?" They continued with their outright nastiness and snide attacks for a long time. He was planning to go on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ, had already been going thru the training. His folks kept harrassing him about joining the military (you have to understand, this is during the Vietnam conflict!). He finally prayed about it a long time and waited for God's answer. God's response was to go to his parents and tell them that he had prayed about it and felt like the Lord was directing him to submit to this one LAST thing that they requested. And made it clear that it was THE last thing. My point in relating that was to remind you that there are others, besides formerSDA, out there in the Christian community who can relate to what you are going thru. So please don't hesitate to share with those in your church fellowship and get their support. You can't force a change in their responses to you, you can only allow the Lord to show you how to not let it steal your joy. One thought I had while reading your post was that perhaps it is now, or will be someday, time for a letter. They won't listen to you talk, evidently. So maybe it is time to try to lay out your feelings for them (NOT the SDA church) in a letter. I think it would be wise to begin by clearly reassuring them of your deep love and respect for them. And your appreciation for all they have done in raising you, etc. Thank them specifically for the things that you feel you have in your life because you had them for parents. It may take some deep prayers, but undoubtedly the Lord can help you see something! Our pastor was raised Catholic, he says he can always thank his parents for introducing him to the idea that there is a God. Then get into laying out your greatest present joy in your life...your growing love for the Lord. How you feel about Jesus. Tell them that the word of God is always in your mind now. How you feel closer to the Lord than you ever have in your life (a tricky one, but you would need to say it without saying or intimating, "because the SDA's are so screwed up". Leave the SDA's out of it entirely! Let's face it, THE issue is not that the SDA's are wrong--it would be no different if you had been catholic, muslim, or an athiest--- but that you are in a deep relationship with your Lord. You might even be able to take a huge breath and thank them for teaching you that it is important for a person to follow their convictions....they apparently did have a hand in modeling that, even if their convictions were wrong.) Maybe then you can go on to tell them how their actions are making you feel. That you miss the closeness you enjoyed before and want to continue to have that in your life. Reassure them that you have not rejected them as your parents. BUT that for the relationship to return to that closeness they must respect that you are an adult, that you are responsible now before God for your own decisions, and that you must follow what the Lord has directed you to do. And do NOT even consider sending the letter without the Holy Spirit's direction, guidance in words, and clear confirmation that you have heard from Him. And then wait for his timing in mailing the thing. It may not change their attitudes, but it will certainly put you in a position of having tried to clearly declare your love for them has not changed because you have changed churches. And it will give you a basis from now on to gently remind them, "remember, I asked for your respect" or maybe more correctly "remember, I still love you". Just some thoughts... | ||
| Freeatlast (Freeatlast) |
Lori, are you sure you didn't disguise yourself as me and show up at MY parents' house last weekend?! This feels soooOOOO familiar, it breaks my own heart to hear your story. I suggest that you get some counseling to help you deal with the separation that you are going through. I had a really hard time because my security always came from the inner sense that I had my parents' approval. When that went away, I had a long period of despair about our relationship. I didn't know how I could follow where Jesus was leading me, and "be at peace with all men." Counseling helped me recognize my need for total security in Christ, notwithstanding the opinions of men. If you know in your heart of hearts that you are following Christ, you must be prepared to have other human relationships subject to distance and even failure. That's not your problem, it has become God's who called you out. I tried the silent approach, but that didn't help much. They just sent me SDA propaganda by the bale and nothing was happening towards restoring our relationship. So I started to confront, with gentleness and respect, the errors that I knew about. I didn't (and still don't) back down. As their own "prophet" recommends, I "show them from Scripture the error of their ways." No, they don't like it one bit, but what can they do? We have just agreed to disagree for now, and try to focus on other things to build the relationship. I think they finally handed me over to God (or Satan, as the case may be), and are trying to just love me as best as they can with their blinders on. I love them right back, but I don't let them spiritually terrorize me anymore. My confidence and security are 100% in Christ. Until you are able to get to that point, Satan will use them to buffet you and question your own conscience. Accept your parents and love them unconditionally. Reject their error and hold them accountable for it. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much you grow, and how much of their respect you actually will gain over the long term. Get counseling if you are struggling. Pray like crazy for your parents and yourself to have harmony as much as possible, and ask Christ to help you navigate these troubled waters with His glory in mind. I wish you the very best and will pray for you Lori. Doug's point is right on. Their rejection of you is NOT your fault. It is their choice. And they're entitled to it. But they, like you, will ultimately have to present their choices to Jesus. Pray for them. | ||
| Colleentinker (Colleentinker) |
Lori, I am so sorry. There is absolutely nothing like knowing you cannot get your parents' blessing. Fear is always behind a refusal to validate the truth. Everyone above has given such insightful responses to your story. I find myslef relating with so many things all of you have said. I'm going to dovetail on what Freeatlast said about finding all of your identity in Christ. When I realized we were really going to leave the church, I was really depressed. I feared walking into an unseen future empty of all contacts and relationships I had known (except for Richard and the boys and one dear friend). God sent a spark of hope to my mind when he reminded me of the words to the song "Simple Gifts": "Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free; tis a gift to come down where we ought to be. And when we find ourselves in that place just right, it will be in the valley of love and delightÖTo turn, turn, will be our delight, till by turning, turning, we come ëround right." What I realized was that God was leading me through all the pain and loss and grief, but that there would be love and delight in spite of it. I realized that I had to let go of every identity I had ever cherished: wife, daughter, professional, Adventistóand be identitified only as Daughter of God. Jesus had to be my ONLY identity. It was profoundly sad, but it was profoundly freeing as well. Over time, sometimes, these severed cherished relationships can heal. They'll never be the same again, but sometimes they become more "adult", more free. Sometimes, however, they don't completely change. My hunch is that your parents won't be able to spend the rest of their lives out of contact with you and your family. They may or may not welcome you back with no strings attached, but, barring their conversion, even if they do, you will feel distance from them because you can't share with them the things that are most important to you. When we are born again, reality changes, and those who are not born again cannot participate in true sharing about spiritual things. I have really begun to cherish the text where God says he will be a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widows. In ways I cannot explain, the love of Jesus salves the wounds in our hearts ripped open when our family members pull away or fail to understand our new relationship with Jesus. He will help you to trust him even with your parents. He will help you to give them into his hands for safe-keeping so you can let them go. He will help you to be able to pray for them and to love them without subconsciously demanding that they approve of you or understand you. You will grieve and be angry, but Jesus will not let you go. In some miraculous way he will remind you even in your most intense pain that his love is enough, and you will not fall apart or lose your identity. Further, even though your parents may separate themselves from you, you can still praise God for them. You can praise him for the plans he has for them and for the work he is doing in their lives. You can praise him that they produced you and that he chose you before you were born to them. You can praise him that even though this jolting rift has come between you that God is doing a work in youóand in themóand he is faithful to complete it. God can also give you the grace to deal politely and lovingly with them without an overlay of hurt feelings or a deep driving need to re-establish intimacy. God has brought all three of you to a place where he wants to be the parent to each of you. He wants to "grow" you (and them) in trust and depth without that parent-child relationship that seems as if it should be your "right" standing between you and Him. God uses even the most devastating experiences to bring about his purposes. Sometimes (often) those purposes involve giving up our life's "props" and also facing reality in deeper ways than we would if we were left to our own devices! As Freeatlast says above, "They, like you, will ultimately have to present their choices to Jesus." I will pray for you, Lori, to have peace in the middle of this most unsettling rejection, and I will pray for your parents to be willing to know truth. In Jesus, Colleen | ||
| Sabra (Sabra) |
Lori, I am so sorry for your situation. I know that God will give you peace though, and it will all work out for His glory. You said you can't share things about Jesus with them that go on in your life. Are you sure? You all know I don't shut up!  I talk constantly about Jesus to my mom, not doctrine, not religion, just things that happen in my life that can be nothing but God! She's always happy to hear that I have a relationship with God, guess it beats my old conversations about Why doesn't God help this person or do this thing or let that baby die?? (I was ALWAYS asking her stuff like that before, because I never understood God and I really wanted to know!) I tell her about the people at work getting closer to God and about healings that I've seen happen and she told my Aunt a few weeks ago that she was at peace with the fact that I changed religions. That is a major breakthrough! Also, found out from my cousin that she hasn't been to church in months and she (mom) told me yesterday that she is having a serious spiritual problem. No doubt, as much as I pray for God to speak to her heart! Our lives is the only thing, apart from God, that can really have an influence on them, on any person that doesn't know truth. I know it is so hard and heartbreaking, my mom gave me the big guilt trip when I first left about her working 3 jobs to put me through church school, only for me to leave the church. I told her that I love her for it and never want my relationship with God to be of any concern or burden for her. It has taken some time and a lot of prayer, I realized along the way that I can't SHOW her anything that the Holy Spirit has not revealed to her, but I can share with her what He is doing in my own life. There may never be peace between you, but Jesus warned us that He did not come to bring peace. Don't let satan steal your joy. Remember who you are in Christ and that is the only thing that matters. I will pray for you and your family. God Bless, Sabra | ||
| Sherry2 (Sherry2) |
Lori, I'm sorry for your situation as well. I second Sabra's thoughts too though. I've got SDA's I talk to now and again, and I just talk about Jesus, the joy He's given me, seeing a person come to Christ, an answered prayer, a wonderful promise....there's so much to share about Him that isn't doctrinally grating. And they see and know my joy. I oft told my husband before he joined me that I'd gladly study any topic with him and explain Biblically my reasons for leaving too. It was confrontational when I stated it, but just firm, and lovingly telling him I knew how hard this was on him too, and I understood that. Share Jesus!! Do not hesitate!! He loves you. He loves your parents. Tell them that. Send cards of blessing. That's just what I think I would do. As always Holy Spirit must lead your path. God's blessings and peace to you and your family. Rejection is hard from folks no doubt. You can grieve that to your Abba Daddy... He understands and you can always grieve to Him, and then press on in His power and love to boast in your Best Friend, and Best Parent, and Redeemer. Brag on Him, and your folks are sure to see your joy in Him...and maybe it will wake them up to how little joy they have in Him, and begin to question why. He loves you!! | ||
| Lori (Lori) |
Thanks for all your suggestions---I sent a letter as Lydell had suggested over a year ago. In reply, I received a word search of the Bible containing every Scripture with the word Sabbath, law or commandment in it! And, perhaps I gave the wrong impression. I do share things with them that are evidence of Christ in our lives. It's just there are so many things that have increased my confidence in Him that can't be shared. It's just frustrating to feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time. One time before they came to visit I was told by my Mother not to bring up anything that would be upsetting to my Dad. (I'm never the one that brings it up--it's always my Mother. She always starts it.) I prayed about it and felt like the solution was to make no comment regardless of what was said. So many of you mentioned waiting for the Holy Spirit to lead--that's the vital component in the spiritual life!!! I feel like God is giving me the same answer he gave to Paul. I don't feel I have that approval from God to say anything at all. Paul wanted desperately to 'go back' to the Jews, to his old friends and share his new found relationship with Christ. God didn't want him there. He went anyway and was punished severely. I have shared my new confidence in Christ with them. Whenever I do, there is a "coldness" exuded from them toward me. They don't believe me; "I don't keep the Sabbath, therefore, there is no truth in me". What I have with Christ is false in their eyes. Any comment that I make seems to only harden them more against me. We recently moved, many things happened during the course of our move which gave me the opportunties to share Christ working in our lives. Things were happening so fast---like our house selling in two weeks in a depressed market--having to move 2 months before school was out. Not knowing where we going to live (we couldn't find a house)and only having 4 weeks to do it all. During these times I was able to share my confidence that God was working it all out; I had nothing to be concerned about. I was confident he was moving us and he had a place for us to go it just wasn't time for us to know about it yet. And after we moved so many things happened to prove that moving before school was out was the best thing. And even though we couldn't see it at the time; God knew it and He gave us "above and beyond what we asked for"!!! These things I shared with great joy!!!! Whenever I share these "moments of joy" and offer the text of promise they coincide with I usually receive a respond such as: "well, that's true it does say that....." but never really an acknowledgement that my relatiohship with Christ is the "real thing". In frustration I posted "my weekend" events. Which was NOT the right thing to do. The right thing to do would have been to have taken it to the "Supreme Court of Heaven" and laid it there. That's where all injustices should go. And that's where they should stay. Thank you all for expressing your concern and for offering you advice. I am frustrated with the situation but I haven't lost my joy and peace in Christ. I have confidence that God has a plan to reveal the true meaning of the Gospel to them. And I know without a doubt that his way of doing it is better than anyway I could conceive of. I know He has not chosen me to minister to them. Not yet anyway. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to keep your mouth shut!!!! I know how they feel is not my fault. I don't blame myself for that. It is my greatest wish that they could just understand that salvation is not exclusive. Not so they wouldn't judge me but so they wouldn't have this sorrow in their hearts because of me. It's the unnecessary grief they are enduring that bothers me the most. | ||
| Sabra (Sabra) |
I think it was the right thing to share your weekend. I believe God sent us all here to receive encouragement from eachother. It's not good to keep everything inside. I pray a Spirit of peace on you and this situation. I really liked your post on your thoughts too. Adventist + Former = Failure? I think rather it = Peace in the former's heart for being free from that close-minded, judgemental, fearful way of thinking. | ||
| Colleentinker (Colleentinker) |
Lori, I understand what you're saying. I have several family members with whom it's just not OK to share things. Yes, we are to share our joy in the Lord, but Jesus also told his disciples (in a very picturesque but not literal metaphor!) not to cast their pearls before swine lest they trample the pearls underfoot. You're right; sometimes we're really NOT supposed to share. My relationship with these people is better if we keep things superficial but pleasant and polite. Fighting serves absolutely no purpose. And the joy of the Lord does supercede everything! Yes, they do carry around unnecessary grief. Perhaps that grief will help to motivate questioning in the long run. In Jesus, Colleen | ||
| Lydell (Lydell) |
Lori, please don't stop sharing! Absolutely you have to take your stuff to God so He can help you figure out how to deal with it, but that doesn't mean that it is wrong to vent occassionally when it becomes overwhelming, as the weekend did for you. There's always that balance between learning to not focus on the negative stuff/giving it to the Lord, and yet also not continually stuffing the pain(--I'm telling you when you do that satan WILL play with the thing in your emotions). God doesn't expect you to be an emotional superwoman, ya know. It helps to hear that someone else understands your experience. What was that story I heard recently? A small child frantically called for dad to come to his room one night during the height of a storm. The dad calmly reassured the little one that the Lord was aware of the storm and was going to take care of him and that he could trust him. The child replied that he knew that, but sometimes he just really need to see "God with a face". That's what the Lord has always used His children to be here on earth, His smile, His arms, etc. I think you obviously already know, from what you have said before, that it is always important after the venting to take a deep breath and again remind yourself that the Lord is STILL aware and going to show you how to walk thru the situation. And remind yourself of your choice to allow Him to show you what to do. In light of what you shared above, I'd be curious to know if others here had to, at some point, verbally or in writing draw a line with their family on subjects that were forbidden. I'd be interested in hearing what happened. And yeaaaaah, you're right! Keeping your mouth shut makes your brain hurt...and your shoulders get real tight and achey. We don't really have the subject of religion in dealing with a member of our family. But we absolutely know that feeling of walking on eggshells. Actually, I'd say it's a bit more like walking thru a minefield with this person! And you never have a clue when you'll step on a buried mine, because there are no clues to give away that you're hitting on a "dangerous" subject. We've learned that there is a definite time limit before this happens. It's rather interesting. It sounds like your relationship was fine before this happened. But if you can look back and see that actually there was a problem existing even before this, I have a book to recommend. It is "Irregular People" by Joyce Landorf Heatherley. When it was recommended to us I sort of groaned thinking this was going to be one of those, "grit your teetch and be a doormat" type things. But she encourages people to try to understand the nature of the person you are dealing with, develop coping strategies, handle your own negative emotions, keep giving it to the Lord, and still not succumb to doormat status. Found it at the Christian book store. | ||
| Sherry2 (Sherry2) |
Sounds like a great book, Lydell. I think I could use it...I think I'd fit under irregular too. Lori, I do understand what you are saying...I think dealing with human relationships is the hardest job of all....we can go to work, check in, do the task well done, but everything can become a train wreck when it comes to relationship things. We can't do a bit of it without God's help....shutting our mouths or opening them appropriately. Lord knows I struggle in that department. Thanks for sharing. |
