| Author |
Message |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 165
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 9:39 am: |     |
I heard my son and B talking about a web site he had and finally found it. Much to my surprise, it has my name and pictures of me, my baby and my other children without a single word said to me about it. I suppose it wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the Bible study section, which proclaims SDA doctrines. I don't want to be associated with that. Having said that, check out mangoseed.net ... you will find B's personal website proclaiming the truths of the nature of man and the realities of death. He claims people will turn away from God if they don't understand the truth about those two ideas. It would also seem he is trying to respond to some of our arguments "publically". Strange way of communicating....
Am I off my rocker to be upset he has posted my pictures and name with his stuff without my permission?? |
Sabra
Registered user
Username: Sabra
Post Number: 14
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 1:22 pm: | |
Oh my gosh Melissa! Are you off your rocker to be upset? I'd be off my rocker and strangling him! Honey, ya know I'm blunt, so let me just say, you can do better, B is a creep. |
Sabra
Registered user
Username: Sabra
Post Number: 15
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 6:04 pm: | |
Sorry Melissa,
That wasn't fair, I don't know B and I can't just put him in one general dessription like that. I would be ticked off that he didn't tell me though. |
Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker
Post Number: 34
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 10:46 pm: | |
Melissa, I would be more than ticked off; I think I'd be a little scared. For someone to use your pictures like that, to publicly suggest that you are his "family", to imply that you share his religious views--that suggests a deep lack of integrity and of disrespect toward you. I'm sorry if I sound harsh--I don't know B, after all--but I do know that his website suggests to me a serious dishonesty that would make me afraid of what else he wasn't telling me or of what other lengths he might go to in order to "have his own way".
I'm sorry, Melissa. I think, though, that I'd be looking for ways to protect myself from his deception, if it were me!
I continue to pray for you, for your children, and also for B and for wisdom for you to know what to do.
Colleen |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 166
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, January 18, 2004 - 12:46 pm: | |
Thank you both so much for responding. sometimes I post things and just keep hearing this voice telling me I'm over-reacting and I just feel I am in such a battle and don't know which way to turn. I know I have to sign a release for the school to publish pictures of my kids, and for church to publish pictures, it just seemed so ... underhanded. Like you've picked up on, Colleen, I'm afraid of what he is hiding and what else is out there that I don't know. I started reading some of his stuff in the Bible study section and have just been irritated ever since.
I am scared. Unfortunately, I can't keep him from the baby.... That is such a bummer.
|
Pheeki
Registered user
Username: Pheeki
Post Number: 265
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 9:38 am: | |
Are you and B separated? What do you mean keep him from the baby?
I think he should stop and think that it isn't wise in this day and time to post family pictures on a website...there are sickos out there. I have always felt paranoid about it.
Who does he think this site is benefitting? Church members? Who does he give the address to?
That site took a lot of time...what is the real purpose?
I would be upset. |
Pheeki
Registered user
Username: Pheeki
Post Number: 266
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 9:39 am: | |
Oh, cute kids by the way! Always good to put a face to a name, too! |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 170
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 11:45 am: | |
B and I have never been married. I just really want to keep adventism from the baby. I don't want him to have to fight the battles you all have fought and I don't want to create a strife within my family, which I know will exist if his dad gets his way. When it's not related to religion (which isn't that often), B seems fine, but more and more everything he says and does is related to adventism. I wouldn't even mind the vegetarian part if it were his personal belief, but it is because he thinks he is more "spiritual" and in tune with God that it is so abrasive (not to mention the general inconvenience of having to cook things 2 different ways or 2 completely different meals).
I don' t know who looks at the site, or why he created it. Many of the comments are things he has said to me (at least in his Bible Study tab), so it seems like he is arguing with me in a way that I can't really respond to, but since I didn't know about the site or the address, it's hard to think he expected me to find it (although he did tell my 10-year old). So, I really don' t know...just guessing.
I'm with you about the address stuff. I don't know why he publishes so much personal information. He met someone in the grocery store a couple of weeks ago and gave them his phone number. He never would tell me why, but the guy has called a couple of times to offer him "business opportunities". Sounds like a scam to me, but I'm pretty skeptical about the get-rich-quick type schemes.
Thanks on the kids. I'm fond of them myself. |
Pheeki
Registered user
Username: Pheeki
Post Number: 268
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 12:48 pm: | |
Ok, so you live together or not? I guess I didn't know your situation.
My first husband would shoot cocaine into his neck but wouldn't touch a piece of meat...go figure!
Is the 10-year-old yours and his also?
Did you meet him at the SDA church? I see your problem...when he gets the kid on Sat. he will take him straight to the SDA SS and church and try to impose SDA teachings on her/him and you will be teaching the Gospel and hoping is sinks in over the heresy.
I think I understand. |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 171
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 1:19 pm: | |
We lived together for a period a couple of years ago. When I just couldn't justify myself to God anymore and wanted to get back "right", I asked him to move out. Unfortunately, I found out later that I was pregnant. I knew God had still forgiven me, but I was going to have to live with the consequences. I tried to be fair with the pregnancy since it was his first child, but he has used that sense of equity to try and bully his way into things. He acts like he owns me to some degree. He thought I would let him move back in, but I held my ground and have been pretty firm on that aspect. I know he misses a lot, but that is the reality of our lives. it is a consequence he has to accept.
I have 2 children from my marriage years ago. I met B at work. In hindsight, he was very deceptive about where he went to church until I was pretty involved, and not just me but my children also. I was pretty irritated when I found out how dogmatic he is about being an Adventist because he knew I didn't want my kids hurt. I was very open about the challenges in my life (my oldest child is retarded) and hoped I would not misguide him about what it meant to be in my life. I wish he had been as open with me. When I found out the name of his church, I didn't know that much about it, so I started asking around. None of my friends knew anything, and the one person I encountered who did know an SDA thought that person just needed a highly structured form of Christianity. Knowing when i know now, he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. But by the time I found out what anything negative, we were pretty involved. It was only after I found out the doctrines on my own that he began being so openly derrogatory towards me and other "non-SDAs". For a long time, I thought God had brought him into my life because I was struggling so much with my retarded child, but it seems I went from the frying pan to the fire. Had I not been so consumed with taking care of my kids, and the tremendous challenges there, I probably wouldn't have been as tolerant of some things, but a glass of water in the sand dune looks good even if it is small.
To date, I have refused to let him take the baby to church with him. He doesn't want to go to court (because he doesn't want to have to pay child support), so he is pretty stuck with the time I will give him. I don't abuse it. He comes over at least 4 times a week which is well beyond the standard visit time for infants in our state. But I know the day will come when I will be forced by some means to let him go. I just want to be prepared for what he will try to teach the baby and how they twist scripture so I can counter it. I know ultimately, it is the Holy Spirit in his life that will guide him into truth, but I also know SDA arguments sound logical on the surface.
Even if B did leave Adventism, he has some other character issues that make a relationship unadvised at this point. I do pray for him and don't want to paint him as being an awful person. I think he is a true product of the environment he grew up in. He can justify whatever he does one way or another with scripture even.
God spoke to me so clearly when I was in the process of ending the relationship (before I knew I was pregnant) that I am confident God has it all in control...which provides some comfort since I DON'T. But I am still a mom who wants to protect her kids.
Anyway, probably more detail than you wanted. I hope people learn from my mistakes. There is something worse than being alone in a storm. |
Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker
Post Number: 41
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 11:09 pm: | |
Melissa, thank you for your openness. You are in a difficult position. I hope you will forgive me if I stick my neck out and offer a bit of advice that I learned in the trenches, so to speak. While my story does not parallel yours, it does involve nearly 15 years of being a step-parent who has functioned for most of those years as Mom.
I strongly urge you to get a lawyer and establish legal custody. Right now things are manageable because your baby is--well,--a baby! As he grows and enters school, visitation will become increasingly hard to manage. Already B is unpredictable, and absolutely anything can happen in the future. He may take your son for visitation some day and not bring him back. He may keep him and claim the child lives with him and sue you for child support. There are any number of things that could happen, and you would be powerless because you have no legal guidelines.
Right now it's hard to imagine that B could do anything that devious, but Melissa, that website is telling you some things about him. Of couse, I don't know that he would do anything that devious, but I've seen people do some completely unexpected things when children and/or money became an issue.
Further, child support is for the sake of the child. Unless you have the means to support your child and provide the education, medical/dental care, etc. that he will need, he will need child support. That is absolutely B's legal and moral responsibility.
Please don't hear me trying to give you legal advice; I certainly can't and wouldn't try to. But I do think that you should get an attorney and make this situation legally clean--and don't wait for B to agree. Do what needs to be done for the future safety and security of your child.
Please forgive me for mounting my soapbox! I continue to pray for you to have God's wisdom!
Colleen |
Hoytster
Registered user
Username: Hoytster
Post Number: 35
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 5:49 am: | |
I'm with Colleen.
As a male trying to get more time with my son, I see B as establishing a pattern that he will argue should be sustained. Four evenings a week amounts to half the time, implying 50/50 shared physical custody. You will lose control of your son, and B will have the opportunity to do what he will with him, including the whole SDA thing.
You should demand that B remove all pictures of you and your son from the web site; should cut him back to a couple days per week; should wait a few months to set that as the precedent; then file for a formal custody arrangement including child support.
I'm no lawyer, and I'm not offering legal advice, but I've been tuned into these issues for a couple years and that's how I see it.
More generally, you have to disengage with B. Do not discuss religion with him; it taints you, and you're never going to convince him. You need to move on, making B history, relegating him to a minimal role, so there is room for someone else in your life. Staying engaged with him interferes with that, and may be interfering with God's role in your life as well.
I've gone way out on a limb, so sorry if this seems obnoxious... but I see B as dangerous (from a religious viewpoint). You need to move him to arm's length distance from you and ALL your children, imho. Perhaps that would enable him to move on, too, so he can find someone else and possibly have other children.
Praying for you - Hoytster |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 172
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 6:47 am: | |
You're advice is not butting in and I appreciate it. I have heard it before and am really working towards that end. I did give him a list of 3 days for visitation as our state would allow and want him to follow those days. But I see what you mean about the pattern issue too. I will be more dogmatic about the visitation schedule and make moves towards being "legal". I do appreciate your wisdom and believe God has lead me here for a reason.
Thanks for reminding me it's okay to look out for my own interests first. I have a hard time with that sometimes. |
Jeannette
Registered user
Username: Jeannette
Post Number: 10
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 - 7:10 am: | |
Melissa:
Know that my husband and I are praying for you.
Hoytster and Colleen are right, at least seek the opinion of an attorney on the matter. You need to protect yourself and that beautiful baby.
The web pictures are beautiful,but I feel that B showed a lot of disrespect to you by putting them on the web without your permission or knowledge.
You are in such a difficult situation but God is mighty and will guide you through.
In christian love
Jeannette |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 19
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 18, 2004 - 2:46 pm: | |
Melissa,,
My prayers are with you. See a lawyer, right away. Tell him about the website and tell him you want your pictures off of it.
A suggestion: every day read to your baby from the Bible. Tell him Bible stories. He will learn. I will give you an example. When my son was 5 years old we moved from Montreal, Quebec to Fairfax, Va. I stayed with my sister and my son went to the babysitter her son had. About a year later I decided it was time to tell my son that other children might ask him to pull his pants down or want to play doctor. I did tell him. This is my son's reply. "Oh, mom, that has happened to me already but I told him no, that my mother does not want me doing things like that". This was before I said anything to him about how curious kids are about boys/girls bodies. But I had read Bible stories to him (at the time with an SDA slant)and prayed with him every day from the day he was born. Kids learn quickly. Spend time every day telling him God loves him. I would sit nursing him and tell him Bible stories and sing to him about Jesus. I even made up songs, which I do not remember now. So tell you baby the Bible truths. He will learn them and remember them.
God bless you and your children.
Diana |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 278
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 7:21 am: | |
Thank you. |
Melissa
Registered user
Username: Melissa
Post Number: 279
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 7:29 am: | |
BTW, I just checked, and all pictures other than those of Jonathan have been removed. |
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