| Author | Message | ||
| Jenntooth Registered user Username: Jenntooth Post Number: 1 Registered: 4-2004 |
Hi! I'm new to the forum. I've been reading the discussions for a while and have found it to be very helpful and informative. To give you a little background, I was raised SDA (3rd or 4th generation), attended SDA schools and LLU. After academy, I fell away from the church and it's burdensome rules. In the process I also fell away from God. Eight years later God called me back to Him and to a wonderful bible based church which I've grown to love. I have studied and been convicted of the new covenants, salvation by grace etc. and have no intention of going back to the Adventist religion. However, my family is very active in their (SDA)church. I have attended my church for 1 1/2 years now and my family knows that I do not attend an Adventist church and am not interested in doing so. Fortunately, they live in another state so I don't feel so much pressure from them except when I go to visit them and they want my husband and I to go to church with them. Should I go or just say no, I am no longer an Adventist and don't want to go back there? By the way, this is the church I grew up in so there are plenty of people there who know me and the family. Up until now I have not really talked to them much about my convictions about SDA being wrong. I don't want to alienate them but don't want to sit on the fence either. Anyone have any suggestions? | ||
| Chris Registered user Username: Chris Post Number: 256 Registered: 7-2003 |
Jenntooth, in general I think it's polite when you're staying with someone to attend church with them and for them to do the same when they stay with you. Unfortunately, as we all know it's a bit more complex then simple etiquite rules for us formers. I can't give you much advice other than to pray earnestly and follow your convicition on this. I can tell you that my wife and I live in the same town with my SDA in-laws and simply had to start saying "no" to all the requests for us or our children to come to church with them because it was being used as a tool to try and draw us back in. You're situation may be quite different though. May God give you great wisdom. Chris | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 136 Registered: 12-2003 |
Welcome, Jenntooth! We're glad you're here! I have to agree with Chris. I believe that you really must pray to know God's will regarding church attendance with your family. We have essentially said "No" to attending SDA church services, especially right after we left, because it felt oppressive and a bit like "looking back", sort-of like Lot's wife! As time has gone on, we do go to Adventist services if they're significant events such as weddings or funerals. The dynamics with our Adventist family, however, are such that going to church with them would likely be misinterpreted. Not going confirms to them that we're not open either to going back or to pretending that everything's "OK". God will make clear to you what you should do! Colleen | ||
| Jenntooth Registered user Username: Jenntooth Post Number: 2 Registered: 4-2004 |
Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it. Since my husband and I live two states away, we only get up to visit a couple times a year. Therefore, I don't think we'll get sucked back in by visiting once or twice a year. My family has attended our church during Christmas and enjoyed it a lot. So the invitation does go both ways. We'll be praying about it when we go up to visit this summer. Thanks again! | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 12 Registered: 5-2004 |
We have gone ahead and attended church with my in-laws while we were visiting (they live in Virginia, we in WA state) but it doesn't happen often because of distance, so we haven't felt strange about it. WHen they are visiting us, they usually try to find an SDA church, and sometimes my husband goes with them wheile I stay home with the kids. I haven't seen the rare visit as a problem, really. We don't want them thinking we are hostile about the SDA church,so we haven't made a big deal about it. Our current dilemma is that we haven't sat down and told them WHY we don't go to an SDA church. My husband told them "this is just where God has asked us to be right now", but hasn't talked to them about his thoughts on EGW and the SDA doctrines. We haven't gone to an SDA church since we were married, but when we moved here this year and he mentioned to his mother that we were church-hunting, his mother said "oh, there aren't any good SDA churches up there either, huh?" Which is either wishful thinking on her part, or misunderstanding about why we don't attend an SDA church. So how much do we tell them, and when? GOod questions. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 230 Registered: 12-2003 |
Ask God to show you the time and to give you the words. You do need, eventually, to tell them--telling them the truth is part of the integrity to which God is calling us as he graciously leads us out of Adventism. Besides, your story is one of the most powerful things you can ever say to them. Their possible reactions are not the guage of what you need to say; they will need to know the truth. After they know, however, there comes a point where discussion is sometimes counter-productive if they continue to argue with you about doctrines. God will clarify to you what you should say and when/how you should say it. Colleen | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 15 Registered: 5-2004 |
Thanks for your words, Colleen, I needed to hear that. It surprised me a little when you said that we absolutely need to tell them someday, but in the next second I realized that was absolutely true. We have only to wait for God to tell us when and how, because it is always His Will for us to share the truth, in God's timing. | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 50 Registered: 3-2004 |
Although my parents are dead and my brothers and sisters no longer go to the SDA church,I still needed to tell them I am no longer considering myself SDA. I have prayed about it and told them one at a time. God even impressed me to call a niece and tell her why I was no longer considering myself SDA. Half of them have been supportive and the other half have said nothing. So I feel very fortunate that I have not had opposition to the truths I am learning. But I still had to tell each sister and brother what I have learned. I have yet to tell my last brother. I do pray about it and let God tell me when to say something. Diana | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 528 Registered: 11-2002 |
My elderly mother asked me how come I go to a Sunday-keeping church. I tried the line that I fully believe that is where God has led me for now. I got yelled at that God would not be leading me to a church that doesn't keep the Sabbath, a church that practices infant baptism, a church that baptizes not by immerision, a church that teaches it is not a sin to drink alcohol, a church that teaches it is not a sin to eat pork and a church that celebrates the heathen holiday, Easter. Good luck with telling them that this is where God has led you for now. My experience was that God would never send someone into further sin and all the above I mentioned in the church that I attend (Lutheran) is sin so I can forget thinking that God has led me there. The scene at my moms house was very ugly. I got to crying and I went home. Then after I went back over there several days later I was told that after all the money they'd spent sending me to SDA schools I owed it to them to be SDA. I went home in disgust at that one. | ||
| Melissa Registered user Username: Melissa Post Number: 319 Registered: 7-2003 |
One time, just for fun, I asked B if he believed God had lead me to my church...because I had told him several times how I had been searching for a church and found mine and was absolutely positive that small voice of God affirmed that was the place for me. He said he thought he probably did because God takes people where they are. So, I said, then God leads people to sin, if worshipping God on Sunday is sin. He really gets hung up when I used those words..."worshipping God". It sounds so easy to say it's wrong to go to church on Sunday, but when you say you are worshipping God on Sunday and ask how that's a sin, he really gets thrown. He tries all sorts of ways to support the SDA theology while saying it is not a sin to worship God on Sunday all at the same time. Quite amusing if it weren't so sad. | ||
| Freeatlast Registered user Username: Freeatlast Post Number: 171 Registered: 5-2002 |
Susan2, do the children whose parents paid to send them to Brigham Young University owe it to them to be Mormon? | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 542 Registered: 11-2002 |
I've wondered that, too. I kind of think their LDS parents would think so. My son pays oodles of money to send his six year old to the SDA school. I hope the child lears to be an independent thinker and does what she believes is best when it comes to religion when she gets older. Especially since her mama is really trying to teach the child independence regarding to beliefs. Her mama went grades 1-12 at Catholic schools. When the child is with that side of the family she attends Catholic services as well as Penticostal with other kin on that side. | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 17 Registered: 5-2004 |
It is a strange coincidence that you are talking about "owing your religious choices" to the institution you were educated in, because this last week someone told me this: "SO the SDA education system was good enough to educate you (college only) and yet are ungrateful enough to go against their beliefs in your life?" I was surprised that this girl (SDA) actually thought I owed my allegiance to the SDA church because I went to college there! But I thought hers was an isoalted position. I see the same thing discussed here though, and wonder if this is a ploy, of sorts, to get people to guilt people into staying in the church despite their beliefs. (I also said "Honey, WWC didn't GIVE me an education, I paid over $60,000 for it! ;o) | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 56 Registered: 3-2004 |
It sounds to me like those parents who say, we spent all this money to send you to SDA schools and you are ungrateful to go against their beliefs, are being manipulative and trying to lay a guilt trip on their children. I brought my son up with the idea that I helped him with college so he could be independent and get a good job. He does not owe me anything. I do not owe my parents anything either. They did not pay for my college education. I worked my way through SDA college and university with the SDA institutions taking the tithe out before the money came to me. I did not have a choice about that. I do not owe any allegiance to La Sierra or Loma Linda University for anything. They got their money and that was all they wanted. Recognize the manipulation and guilt producing words for what they are and do not take them as yours. Diana | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 549 Registered: 11-2002 |
Dear Flyinglady, thanks for the words you wrote. Do you skydive? | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 58 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan_2, I call myself flyinglady because I have 60+ hours as a student pilot in a Cessna and I am definitely a lady. Skydiving is one of the things on my list of things I want to do one day along with ballooning, white water rafting and doing more rappelling. I have this risk taking streak in my personality and have had it since I was born. Back in the 1970s a psychologist told me it was penis envy. I did not believe her then and definitely do not believe her now. When my son was in college he took a psychology of women course. In it every one had to take a test that showed each one what their masculine and feminine traits were. I went to visit him one weekend and he gave me the test. The one thing that pushed me to the feminine side is that I said I like children. If I had not marked that I would have been even. Everyone has some feminine and masculine traits. That is what I thought all my life. I like to get all dressed up in a long evening gown with nice jewelry and heels and make up and go some place fancy when I can. I also like my levi shorts, t-shirts and tennis shoes and getting dirty outside. Then I like to go horse back riding. So I can see why I came out about even on that test. Just thought I would tell you something about myself. Diana | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 59 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan_2, I forgot to add in the above piece, the following: Just remember that God is leading you and you have to answer to Him for what ever you do, not your parents. When parents/people are upset they can get very manipulative. That is their problem, not yours. Remember that, okay. I know it can be hard at times, but remember God loves you and He loves your parents also. My Mom was very manipulative. She tried it on me and I nicely told her how I felt. She did not talk to me for 2 weeks. She was manipulative with each of my brothers and sisters. Some she was successful with and others she was not. Diana | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 552 Registered: 11-2002 |
What is rappelling? Yes, mamipulative is exactially the word that applies here. She tries to get me to feeling guilty when I truly know I have nothing regarding the matter of church and worship preference to feel guilty about. I end up feeling resentful and this is not good either. | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 63 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan_2, Rappelling is going down a cliff with a rope tied around the middle section of your body. It is a lot of fun. Remember when your Mom tries to manipulate you, that it is her problem, not yours. One thing that helps me is the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Now, you have no control over how your Mom feels about you not being SDA any more. Those are her feelings. Can you change her?? No, I think not. Only she and God can change her if she recognizes she needs to change and then God will change her. About your resentment, I read in a very good book, that is non religious, a very good way to get rid of things like that. It says something to the effect that when you have a resentment or whatever against someone, to pray for that person for 2 weeks. Ask God to give that person everything you want for yourself. I have done this and it works wonderfully. It gets rid of my resentment. I tell God exactly what I think of the person or situation, even if it is uncomplimentary. God knows what is in my mind anyway, so I do not try to hide anything from Him. I will tell Him, "even though, at this exact moment, I do not really feel this way, I have read that I should do this. So even I do not really mean it, I know eventually I will. So give this person everything I want for my self, serenity, peace of mind, a good relationship with my family", and anything else you want for yourself. Do this everyday for 2 weeks. It works. My resentment is taken away before the two weeks are up. It will work for you also. I know many people who have done this and it has worked for them. I will be praying for you. In fact I just said a prayer for you. Diana | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 556 Registered: 11-2002 |
Thank-you. I prayed God would strike my (ex)-husband dead. It hasn't happened. My sons friend told me not to rely on God being my personal hitman. When he told me that everyone in the room busted up laughing and whooping it up. But, he's right. I still wish though God would do that for me because my life would have much fewer complications. Whoa! I guess I really do have some issues to deal with and to pray about. Thanks for the prayers and pleeze be real careful with jumping from mountains and all that other high adventure stuff. I have always been the biggest chicken anyone who knows me has ever known. Maybe if I got my frustration out with daredevil stunts like you do it would help release some pent up frustrations that I feel helpless about. | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 65 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan_2, I was in my mid forties when I learned how to rappell. I was so elated, I called all my family and friends when I got home that night. What I discovered when I learned to rappell was that if I could do that I could do anything. Looking back it was God teaching me that I could try anything, legal that is, and not be afraid. He is always with me. Do not try any of the dare devil stuff with the way you are feeling. You need to be at peace with youself and others so you do not make a mistake and get hurt. Don't use it to release pent up emotion. Go running, punch a punching bag or a pillow or write about it and read what you wrote to a trusted friend. When I write about things, I get down to what is really bothering me. When I know what is bothering me it does not seem so huge and is managed easier. I also ask God's help with it. Nothing is helpless. That is being a victim and you are not a victim. You are a conquerer through Christ. Pray for that ex husband and ask God to give him everything you want for yourself. Tell God exactly what you think of him, the ex husband that is, and that you may not mean the prayer at the time you are saying it, but eventually you will. If you would like to communicate with me off line here is my e-mail: DRL-OTR@juno.com. I will pray for that ex also and ask God to give him everything I want for myself. Sometimes I wish I were God and I would zap certain people out of existence. I am glad I am not God. Revenge is up to God and not me. I just prayed for you and your ex. God bless you and keep in touch. Diana |
