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Freeatlast (Freeatlast)
Posted on Tuesday, July 02, 2002 - 7:24 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I've been having trouble getting my story through to the server and posted, so I figured I'd post it myself.

My story began in the heart of Seventh-day Adventism, Takoma Park, Maryland, in 1964. I was born in Washington Adventist Hospital to a 2nd generation Adventist mother and a 2nd generation Adventist father. Both of them were employed by SDA institutions. Throughout my life, several of my other close relatives worked within the SDA system as pastors, teachers, administrators, and one was even the President of an SDA university for a time. To this very day, nearly all of my family is not only Adventist, but what one would term "historic" Adventist. If my family were Mormons, I would be like someone who had been born into the Young family in Salt Lake City, then determined later to leave Mormonism. I was deeply inculcated with SDA doctrines and philosophies from the earliest time I can remember, and was baptized into SDA membership in 1976. For these reasons, it has been an extremely agonizing process to break away, but with God all things are possible. He has led me out of bondage and into freedom in Christ, for which I praise God daily.

My father is somewhat balanced about his theology, adhering to SDA doctrines, but allowing much liberty for questions and personal experience. It is clear that he has tasted grace. He readily admits that accepting Ellen White as an inspired prophet was the hardest part of becoming an Adventist for him. My mother, on the other hand, is a staunchly conservative, toe-the-line, historic Adventist. Plus, she has borderline (narcissistic) personality disorder. This combination caused her to instill in me tremendous fear, anxiety, guilt, and despair about the nature of God. God was an exacting taskmaster, and it was all about rules, judgement, and vengeance. Through her, and without intervention from Dad, we were taught that all meat was evil (but somehow roast beef at Grandmomís was an exception). I remember going to a friendís Birthday party when I was 6, carrying Momís warning that I should ask if the hot dogs had pork and, if they did, to stay away. I didnít, and carried that guilt in my fragile little conscience for only God knows how long. All theaters were surrounded by angels waiting for young infidels to exit after a movie because they could not go in (heaven forbid a theater ever caught fire while I was inside, there would be no angels to rescue me there.) Tithing was not only mandatory, we were taught that single tithing was practically an insult to God, and we were encouraged to tithe double and triple so that God would pay us back more. Especially when times got tough. As a result, we had to go without a lot of the things and experiences that other SDA children enjoyed. An extra tithe or two was a much better investment than Wall Street or school clothes for the kids. Talk about straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel! God was like a big mob boss in the sky and as long as we paid our tributes, he wouldnít come shoot us in the knees. We werenít destitute or anything like that, but I never could understand the logic of giving more to the church at a time when we had less. Of course, we felt very special to be the "remnant" people, knowing that we had a secret handshake and Godís special gang signs, so we had special power and privileges available to us that nobody else outside Adventism had. We felt that God would see our faith-based giving and reward us with the Lordís Lottery Jackpot someday. We were always ultimately better than anyone else, and it was because we had "the truth" and we "obeyed the commandments of God". I never could understood how I had to be perfect, but Mom didnít. But I didnít dare ask her that. She had serious anger management issues, and we were trained that her pronouncements were from God and, as such, were not up for debate.

Our home, like most legalistic homes, was extremely dysfunctional. My mother "wore the pants", so to speak. She was verbally abusive to my father, threatened to leave/divorce literally hundreds of times, and actually left on several occasions. My Father never did anything to warrant this, at least not according to Scripture. But Mom was very unhappy with herself, and so she took it out on Dad mostly because he was a passive and easy target. I think she was painfully aware of her lack of EGW-commanded perfection. Nobody (including Dad) dared point out problems to her because that would shatter her fragile reality of a perfect family, the one described in the EGW book "Adventist Home". So we all stuffed our issues inside and did our best to give Mom the appearance that everything was as she believed. She was basically an Ellen White clone in her speech, and an ordinary, everyday, average sinner in her actions. Some of the worst fights came in the early Sabbath hours before church. The problem was that you couldnít ever talk about her flaws, but she could point out yours, and she had thousands of sections of EGWís writings memorized and would draw them like swords to correct us children. We were all miserable. She still is.

Each of us responded to this dysfunctional dynamic in different ways. At an early age, I sought to stay away from the home as much as possible, and Satan made certain that there were unhealthy friendships lurking. I began to abuse alcohol and turned to pornography and food and obsessive-compulsive behaviors in order to both numb the pain of dysfunction, and to gain a sense of control since my family felt so out-of-control.

My family moved to another state my Senior year because I had gotten into some alcohol-related trouble at another Adventist academy. The dysfunction escalated because Mom was a long way from her original home and it shook her up pretty bad. I was in my late teens and wouldn't let her verbally abuse me, so there were lots of fights between her and me. In order to escape the home, and make Mom happy, I chose to attend an Adventist university instead of the local state university. I had no connections there, no friends, no car, no finances, and nobody in my family ever wrote, called, or came to visit. I became very resentful and Satan sent some friends with marijuana my way to help numb my anger and pain. His deception worked and I got hooked big time.

At the time, I had an SDA girlfriend, and when my parents announced that they were returning to the East coast, I seized the opportunity and proposed marriage. I had my ticket out of the house and my miserable college experience, and Momís EGW-sanctioned approval to live with my girlfriend. Life was good. Or so I thoughtÖ

Even though she was a long distance away from me, Momís EGW-driven voice was ever-present within my conscience, and I brought the dysfunction from my own family into my marriage. I was only 19 on my wedding day, had no effective family model to draw from, a slew of harmful addictions, and a completely wrong understanding of the nature of God and Jesus Christ. It was a recipe for disaster. Because I could not ever meet up to Godís standards, I ultimately decided (subconsciously) to just run away and do my own thing since I was lost anyway. No way could I ever be perfect, so my motivation was to enjoy here and now as much as possible.

I continued to abuse alcohol and marijuana. My use of pornography escalated, and after 15 years I had an affair which ended the marriage. You can imagine the scandal within the family that resulted. Momís fragile snow-globe containing her perfect Adventist family had finally been shattered. Unfortunately, it has put a wedge so deep between us that we barely speak anymore. It is as if she does not see me, my past will somehow not exist. This breaks my heart because I so desperately want her to drink from the same cup of grace that has saved my own soul.

Well, during the affair, I came face to face with my own dreadful evil nature. Even though I thought I was at least a fringe Christian, my actions demonstrated the exact opposite. I fell on my face and pleaded with God to forgive me and save me from myself. It has been a long, hard road filled with consequences, but Jesus Christ Himself has been beside me every step of the way and I have been saved by His grace and His grace alone. I am, like Joshua the High Priest in Zachariah, "a brand plucked from the fire." Praise God for His mercy and grace!

I would like to tell you that God performed a miracle and saved my marriage. Unfortunately, that was not the case. God allowed me to suffer the consequences of my actions, and removed that privilege from me in order to discipline (not punish) me. It was during this time that I began an earnest search for truth on the subjects of adultery, divorce, marriage, lust, etc. God used that newfound hunger for Him within me to re-direct my search towards the unique SDA doctrines by sending someone to give me some information off this very website. I was shocked, but intrigued. You see, when I prayed for salvation in Christ, I fully expected Him to build me back up as a Seventh-day Adventist. However, exactly the opposite happened.

The more I read, the more shocked, confused, horrified I became. Why had I never been made aware of any of this? Mom just told us that Walter Rea and Desmond Ford were heretics doomed to hell. I found that to be far from true. The more I read and researched, the more God led me away, not towards, Adventism. I had fits and starts, of course, because my knowledge of Scripture was actually very weak, although I had thought it was very strong. After all, Adventists were the frontrunners when it came to knowing and understanding Scripture, right? I knew the proof-text chains that I had been trained in from my youth, but I had no knowledge of context or hermeneutics. I also had never developed any personal relationship with Jesus. My desire was now for the truth about Adventism and Christ, the other subjects I was researching took on a back-burner priority. The result is that those back-burner issues are all actually being addressed naturally as a result of Christís grace. My desire is now to do those things that please him, and to stay away from those things that do not please Him. Not to stay out of hell or earn heaven, but because God has put me on the team and I desire to play well for Him because He has been so darn good to me in spite of how bad I have been to Him and for Him. THAT, my friends, is the true Gospel of Jesus Christ!

I am now engaged to be married, to a wonderful Christian woman who has stood by me without fail through this entire process. It has strained our relationship at times, but I am learning what true love is, both from God and from another person. I feel that God has not only redeemed me, but has also redeemed my entire life. Only because of His grace, I am able to look forward to a happy Chrisitan marriage and a Chrisitan family, opportunities that I thought I had squandered because of my sins. God is so wonderful!

Jesus Christ took Himself out of the box that my parents had put Him in and introduced Himself to me in a living, vibrant, real way. Mom would tell you that itís just Satan deceiving me, that I am doomed to hell because I have been sent a "powerful delusion" from Satan since I rejected the Sabbath "Truth". I would tell you, with a clear conscience before God almighty, that no part of my life is the same since meeting the real, living Jesus, and the fruits being produced daily in my life could only come from the true Vine who is in Heaven, Jesus Christ.

I share Dr. King's dreamÖ Free at last, free at last, praise God almighty, I am free at last!
Sherry2 (Sherry2)
Posted on Tuesday, July 02, 2002 - 1:57 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Thank you, thank you so much for your story Freeatlast! We've got a lot of similarities in our story. It was good to read it...brought back memories, and it is amazing the Grace God gives isn't it, to redeem our life despite ourselves. Thanks so much. I hope it gets posted to the "STORIES" section.
Alicia (Alicia)
Posted on Tuesday, July 02, 2002 - 10:37 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Freeatlast, WOW! Some of that brought back such memories that the hairs stood up on the back of my neck. You wrote so well I could feel the moments. I too lived in abuse and dysfunction. And an angry frustrated mom. I too got away as fast as I could.(Pregnant at 16. I was sure ostrasized then). I was so mad at God. Dark days. He just kept miracle after miracle happening till I had to admit I have a higher power. When I learned that I was saved by grace, not works I have never been so relieved. God keeps being good to me. Isn't it wonderful to have learned all you have about the truth. Some of my best friends are miserable sda's, but they would never think or question anything different then taught. Isn't it wonderful to have this forum. My heart smiles when I think that you're out there somewhere and understand how I feel. (and you put it on print much more eloquently!) I'm very new here. God bless you and your fiancee.
Gracehound (Gracehound)
Posted on Wednesday, July 03, 2002 - 8:30 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Freeatlast, oh brother how the similarities of how we grew up are amazing. It warms my heart to read your testimony and know that someone out there also understands the damage growing up dysfunctional can do. I'll keep you in my heart and prayers. I bet you can can understand this too...standing in church singing Amazing Grace fitting into the perfect Adventist Home picture, only now can you truly understand that grace really is so AMAZING.
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady

Post Number: 148
Registered: 3-2004
Posted on Sunday, June 20, 2004 - 5:36 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Freeatlast,
Little by little I am getting around to read more on the forum. Today I read this.
As I read about your dysfunctional family, it brought back many memories of mine. Like yours, mine was a dysfunctional SDA family.
Thank God neither of us are in that dysfunction any longer.
God is truly awesome.
Diana

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