| Author | Message | ||
| Max |
Whaddaya mean Adam was the only man who had no earthly father? What about Joshua son of none? (Joshua 2:23)? Now, don't raggg on me about my bad spelling, Maryann! | ||
| Maryann |
Me? Raggg on you? Hmmmm,? Great idea, never thought of it;-)) | ||
| Maryann |
Hang on, this one is good;-)) Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle, all over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun And the cat died of electric shock. He he he he! | ||
| Maryann |
Hang on, this one is good;-)) Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle, all over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun And the cat died of electric shock. He he he he! | ||
| Maryann |
Hang on, this one is good;-)) Hey diddle, diddle, the cat did a piddle, all over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun And the cat died of electric shock. He he he he! | ||
| Maryann |
The double post is Richards fault, he said to try again in 5 seconds!;-)) | ||
| Maryann |
Sheese! where did that third one come from?;-(( Things You Probably never Knew: Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A. Conception. Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? A. No theme song. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the requested? A. Obsession. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"? A. One thousand Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey. Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet. Did you know... The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. That San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards." Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (that is funny;-)) The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. | ||
| Valm |
I knew the first one for sure!!! Have you seen that TV commercial for Southwest Airlines where the medicine cabinet falls off the wall when someone is snooping and then they say "Ever want to get away?' Funny trivia Maryann. Valerie | ||
| Jtree |
Ephesians 2:8-10 (NIV) says: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." A man once called a preacher to say he wanted to become a member of his church; but he went on to explain that he did not want to worship every week, study the Bible, visit the sick, or serve as a leader or teacher. The minister commended him for his desire to be a member but told him the church he sought was located in another section of town. The man took the directions and hung up. When he arrived at that address, the man came face to face with the logical result of his own apathetic attitude. There stood an abandoned church building, boarded up and ready for demolition. What if every church member had your attitude about responsibilities in the church? Would your church be thriving, with eager members desiring to minister to each other, or would your church be dead? Ephesians 2:10 says that God has prepared "good works" for us to do, which we are supposed to "walk in" (i.e., "have as a common pattern of our lives"). Write down a good work you can do at your church this week. *************************** In His Love, Joshua of the Rock! | ||
| Max |
MORE FROM CHRISTIAN FRIEND BOB Comments he, ìYou understand of course, that the people who publish church bulletins normally don't budget for a proofreader. Maybe they should. If none of the following makes you laugh, you need to lighten up!" --------------------------------------------------------------- CHURCH BULLETIN ANNOUNCEMENTS --------------------------------------------------------------- Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: The cost of attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The Peacemaking Meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning is: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth into Joy." Remember in your prayers the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off--let the church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will be hosting an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5 PM -- Prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped my Pledge -- Up Yours." | ||
| Cindy |
Max, those are great! and funny! some pretty "awful", too! :-)) I remember once our church bulletin had the offering for the day listed as going for "The CHUCK Budget". And the elder who was scheduled and got up to call for the offering was named CHUCK! It was funny; he said he'd like to have it go to him! :-)) Thanks for the laugh! :-)) Grace always, Cindy | ||
| Violet |
My joke of the day just came up Ever Wonder? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? The cow one reminded me of grade school. we would have milk races to see how fast you could drink a carton of milk. One girl named Kim seemed to always shoot it out her nose! So much for memories of the good old Adventist education. We did many worth while things:):):) | ||
| Violet |
Actually yesterdays was better: The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students: The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold, with stale Coke. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. | ||
| Valm |
Thanks Violet for those chuckles. I heard one tonight at a concert by "Doc Watson". His accompianist told it. The Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as their Saviour. The Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the church. And Baptists do not recognize each other in a liqour store. Valerie | ||
| Maryann |
The best way to make a hurt feel better is to joke about it. I have just now broke my second toe in about three months!! Grrrrrrrr, it hurts!;-(( The first one was an accidental kick to a coffee table and this one was dropping a hunk of firewood on a bare foot on tile! Me thinks it MUST be old age creeping up; hardening of the head and softening of the bones;-)) | ||
| Maryann |
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ "The teeth". | ||
| Maryann |
George W. Bush was asked how he felt about Roe vs. Wade. He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware. | ||
| Violet |
This joke reflects what I call a positive thought process. He was not dwelling on death and destruction but victory for our nation!:):):):) | ||
| Maryann |
Mom's Dictionary DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house... WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc. | ||
| Valm |
Maryann, That should be entitled "truth about parenting" Idunno is the person who has always done it around here. Valerie |
