Should I apologize? Log Out | Topics | Search
Moderators | Edit Profile

Former Adventist Fellowship Forum » ARCHIVED DISCUSSIONS 3 » Should I apologize? « Previous Next »

  Thread Last Poster Posts Pages Last Post
  Start New Thread        

Author Message
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady

Post Number: 147
Registered: 3-2004
Posted on Saturday, June 19, 2004 - 10:01 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I was married to a man who became SDA so I would marry him. When he did not live up to my standards of what an SDA should be I was very unhappy. I really got angry when I discovered he was still smoking and he had told me he had quit. It was a turbulent marriage and lasted 13 years before we decided to separate and divorce. Two years later the divorce was finalized.
Now, I want to apologize to my ex for putting him through hell with my legalistic, unloving behavior. The letter will be similar to the one I wrote to the SDA church when I asked that my name not be put in the church directory.
I want to explain what I discovered about EGW and what I have learned since then. I want to tell him I am a born again Christian now and am no longer SDA.
He is remarried to a lovely lady who is Catholic. He was nominal Catholic when we met.
So, I am asking advice from all of you. Should I write this letter? When we divorced I apologized for hurting him, but I see now that I put him through much more.
Thanks
Diana
Tealeaves
Registered user
Username: Tealeaves

Post Number: 44
Registered: 5-2004
Posted on Saturday, June 19, 2004 - 10:55 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Diana,
That is such a personal decision, I can't imagine actually advising you on it. But I can try to put myself in your shoes for a moment.

I would think that a letter apologizing for the pain you put him through might be welcome. Especially if it is carefully and formally drafted, and perhaps addresses his new wife as well: explaining that you don't mean it to interfere in their relationship, but to clear the history from your plate as God turns over a new leaf in your life.
I would think that this could also be a possible witness to them. That they could see God working on your heart. (Perhaps you could also specify that they certainly need not feel pressure to respond in-depth, if at all?)

But I have never been divorced myself, so I am only giving you gut instinct from my unexperienced point of view. I have, however, gone back to people in my past and apologized for things long past, pertaining to relationships that have lain silent for a long time. And it has been a positive thing for me, and I have gotten only positive feedback from them.
My prayers are with you, best of luck with your decision.
-t-
Sharon2
Registered user
Username: Sharon2

Post Number: 31
Registered: 6-2004
Posted on Sunday, June 20, 2004 - 11:59 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

If you are feeling that you should write this letter, it may well be the prompting of the Holy Spirit. This letter could help release you from feelings of guilt and it could help him to release whatever bitterness that he may be holding. This one letter, if it is prayfully written, could remove things that are often barriers in attaining a close relationship with God.
Sharon
Another_carol
Registered user
Username: Another_carol

Post Number: 254
Registered: 12-2002
Posted on Sunday, June 20, 2004 - 2:11 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Diana, I too would encourage you to let your ex know that you feel remorse for what happened. It is somewhat like a person who committs a crime and then appoligizes. It does not make the crime go away but it does do something to a person's soul to admit wrong doing. I know the times that I have had to say I am sorry to someone it has only made me much more humble and pliable in the way God works in my life.

Speaking of saying I'm sorry I do not hear this very often in SDA circles and as I am on a forum on CARM http://new.carmforums.org I am very discouraged to see so much back biting and harsh words and never any words of humility. I must only conclude that this takes place because when you place yourself in the perfect religion position why would you need to say your sorry for anything because all that you do is what God would want, right?

Anyway I like tealeaves would be very careful in the wording and draw upon the Holy Spirit to guide you.

May God give you utterance as you seek to humble yourself before Him, Carol
Conniegodenick
Registered user
Username: Conniegodenick

Post Number: 26
Registered: 3-2004
Posted on Sunday, June 20, 2004 - 3:41 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hi Flyinglady,

YOur situation sounds so similar to mine. Only we were both nominal SDA's when we married in our 20's. But when the kids came along I started to get more and more orthodox/strict and looking back I must have been miserable to live with. I remember thinking that I could either please my husband or God but certainly not both! I jealously guarded the "edges of the Sabbath", I monitored what we ate (vegan getting us extra brownie points with God) and of course our entertainment.

When I look back at pictures of myself from that era I look tense and unhappy.

Well, after Net 95 which is what inspired my whole spiral downward into historic Adventism, the marriage just got worse and worse until he voted with his feet and left.

We are divorced and we BOTH agree that my strict interpretation of Adventism was the beginning of the end. I have apologized to him and he has accepted that and we now get along fine co-parenting our 3 daughters peacefully. I can't imagine how I would feel had I NOT apologized. It was something I needed to do--especially after I realized the enormity of the guilt that I had subjected him to.

So I would encourage you to write a letter along the lines of what you suggested. It would probably help bring closure to both of you.

Connie
Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker

Post Number: 316
Registered: 12-2003
Posted on Monday, June 21, 2004 - 10:23 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Connie, your experience is helpful. I agree; if God is prompting you to write, I think you should. I also liked Tanya's suggestion that you perhaps consider adderessing the new wife in the letter as well, and show that you support their marriage, that this letter is for the purpose of apoloigzing and also for sharing the love of Jesus which has shown you reality which you did not know before.

With prayers for you,
Colleen

Add Your Message Here
Posting is currently disabled in this topic. Contact your discussion moderator for more information.

Topics | Last Day | Last Week | Tree View | Search | Help/Instructions | Program Credits Administration