| Author |
Message |
Susan_2
Registered user
Username: Susan_2
Post Number: 790
Registered: 11-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 7:27 pm: |     |
Dear Tealeaves, It seems to me your mom has some extremely serious emotional problems going on and at this time in her life she is very unstable. Has anyone considered having her chemical balances done? You know, the salts, the blood sugar, the serotonin, all those sorts of things? If the changes came on quickly then I hope you urge her to get to a competant doctor and have the doctor do a lot of tests. This must be very hard o those who are emotionaly close to your mom. I will keep her on my prayer list and best wishes to her. |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 379
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 04, 2004 - 8:47 pm: | |
Tealeaves,
It is very important that you set boundaries with your mother. This is to protect you, your family-children and husband. Setting boundaries is not disrespecting her. She may say that, but do not believe her. I have not read the bood mentioned by Freeatlast, but through my 12 step program I have learned to set boundaries. I think that is one of the reasons my sister, whom I have mentioned above, gets perturbed with me. I no longer take her bait. Go to Al-Anon meetings. That is very important. They can help you tremendously.
I have you in my prayers that you will do the right thing for yourself and family and for your Mother.
God is awesome.
Diana
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Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker
Post Number: 519
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 11:29 am: | |
I also recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I believe Diana's suggestion of Al-Anon is crucial. One of the biggest problems is learning that the boundary-breaker will say things designed to trigger guilt in the heart of a person who really wants to be helpful and loyal. The problem is that their expectations are not healthy or even normal. When you've been trained by and have a long relationship with the boundary-breaker, you really have a hard time realizing that the things that person defines as loving and honoring is not an accurate definition.
Sometimes it really is essential not to allow the person even to be in your home--or at least to have only limited time there. AS Diana says, it's really important to learn not to "take their bait".
God is in the business of helping us to know the truth and of healing hearts and relationships. Knowing the truth and acting on it can be very painful, but God's comfort and strength can redeem even the worst situation when we submit it to Him. He will direct you and show you His will in this situation.
Colleen |
Tealeaves
Registered user
Username: Tealeaves
Post Number: 94
Registered: 5-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 12:20 pm: | |
I have actually always been the one least likely to "take the bait" from her in my family when she "loses it" with us. I think she respects that and hates it at the same time. She likes to yell and use putdowns, and my sister and aunts and uncles respond by getting heated. I simply cooly and calmly ask "are you finished?" and it really chaps her hide. (especially because I stand 9 inches taller than her, and she looks like a little mad chipmunk from where I stand, fuming and screeching. At least ever since high school this is what I have imagines when she gets in one of those moods... it keeps me from responding in anger.)
But now that I have children, she has hit another level of manipulation. She says "you just want to keep me from my grandchildren." And I have tried to calmly expalin what my reasons are for not wanting them exposed to alcohol, but she refuses to hear or understand.
So I have been playing it cool. calling occasionally to chat, but changing the subject if she gets pointed about me coming to visit. She knows exactly why we don't come up there anymore, she just wants to bait me into saying it straight out and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of an argument. (in fact, she kept my sister and i away from her family when we were little because THEY were irresponsible drinkers... So there is no doubt in my mind that she knows EXACTLY where I am coming from. The problem is, she was extremely judgmental and critical of all of the m at the same time, so she assumes I am the same.)
I am realizing that sometimes there is no point in having certain conversations with certain people. She won't possibly hear me and understand, so why waste the time and give her the opportunity to rail and yell at me?
It is sad, though, at the same time, because my oldest son absolutely adores his grandma. And she is one of the most kid-friendly fun people anyone could ever meet. So he really misses her. I just wish that she could see for herself that it is her behaviour that is keeping the distance between us. I have said it to her once, and she didn't take it well, and I don't feel I have to say it again.
I just have to stand my ground and steel myself against all the passive-aggressive little manipulations she tosses this direction.
Phew, sorry about that little bit of venting! I didn't realize how much it really bothered me until I got to talking about it. Guess I better go pray and give it over to the Lord.
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Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker
Post Number: 523
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 5:00 pm: | |
Tanya, I completely understand. Good for you for not taking the bait, so to speak.
Praise God He can glorify Himself even in these apparently unsolvable (from our perspective, at least!) situations. I just have to rest in that reality when I can't see it!
Colleen |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 380
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, August 05, 2004 - 6:19 pm: | |
Tanya,
God is with you as you deal with your Mother. Not giving in to her and taking the "bait" is being loving and kind to her, because she is not getting her way. As they say in program, she has to hit bottom before she can look up to get help.
You are right not to call her so she cannot rant and rave.
As for your children, what do you tell them about Grandma? I hope you tell them the truth about what alcohol does to her.
Get to Al-Anon meetings to help you.
God is in charge of everything and is awesome. He has your mother in His hands.
Diana |
Tealeaves
Registered user
Username: Tealeaves
Post Number: 101
Registered: 5-2004
| | Posted on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 3:36 pm: | |
My kids are pretty young... only 1 and 3 years old, so I haven't told them anything. They have never noticed any strange behaviour on the part of anyone drinking alcohol.
I am not sure what age to talk to them about it, but maturity-wise, I just don't think that my oldest would even have a clue what I was talking about right now if I broached the subject. |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 389
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 6:01 pm: | |
Tealeaves,
It has been my experience that when children start asking questions is when you talk to them and always tell the truth.
Get to Al-Anon meetings. They will help you so much.
Diana |
Tealeaves
Registered user
Username: Tealeaves
Post Number: 104
Registered: 5-2004
| | Posted on Friday, August 06, 2004 - 9:28 pm: | |
So far, he really hasn't noticed a thing, as far as I can tell. But he is very very observant, so i don't want to risk it. I don't mind talking to him about it when he needs to know, I intend to be very open with my kids. I just don't want to scare him or cast dispersions on anyone. I will be very carfeul how I say it when the time comes.
I haven't researched the Al-anon meetings in the area yet, theough I have gone to an Adult CHildren of Alcoholics online site that has had some helpful info. I wil try to get to one sometime soon, I think. |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 423
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 10, 2004 - 5:12 pm: | |
So have you been contacted by your SDA alma mater?
I received an e-mail today. Following is my response.
I am not updating any information about my self and I will tell you why.
I am no longer a member of the Seventh day Adventist church because this past January I learned that EGWhite plagiarized, had others do some of the writing, then said she was inspired by God. Because she had such a profound influence on the SDA church I decided to study the SDA doctrines. I bought a Strongís Bible concordance. I had started reading the New Testament just before I found this out about EGW. In reading the Bible I found out that the Gospel is Jesus Christ. John 3:16 says ìFor God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting lifeî. John 6:28 ìThen they said to Him, What should we do to accomplish the works of God? v 29 Jesus replied, This is Godís work, that you believe in Him whom He sentî. V 40 For this is my Fatherís will, that every one who sees the Son and believe in Him will have eternal life and I shall raise him up at the last day.î. As Paul said in 1 Cor 2:2 ìFor I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucifiedî. That is the gospel with no additions, no Sabbath, no tithing. Just JESUS.
At the Jerusalem council when Jewish members wanted the Gentiles to be circumcised and to obey the 10 commandments, it was determined that these new believers were to abstain from what is contaminated by idols and from unchastity and from the meat of strangled animals and from blood. You will find this in Acts 15:20.
I have also learned that the 10 commandments were given only to the Children of Israel. That was the old covenant. Neither Jesus or his disciples or Paul tell us in the New Testament to keep the Sabbath. All the other 9 commandments are mentioned in the New Testament to obey, but the 4th commandment is not. I am continuing to study the Bible to find out what it really teaches and ask God to guide me.
I believe EGWhite is a false prophet and the SDA church has doctrines that are not Biblical. So, I will not be contributing any thing to my alma mater.
Please do not contact me for anything regarding Loma Linda University.
Sincerely,
Maybe a seed has been planted that will come to fruition some day.
God is awesome.
Diana
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Pheeki
Registered user
Username: Pheeki
Post Number: 383
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 9:12 am: | |
Good for you. Maybe someone will actually read it and think about it. Too many SDA's are there for social reasons and have never studied it out or thought about the doctrines. I went to dinner at an SDA's house (they only stay SDA to please their parents...they don't live it) and the husband said he went to church and played golf on his cell phone. (Like he always does.) They don't go to be fed...just to be seen warming the pew to make man/woman happy. Sad. |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 429
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 11:04 am: | |
I have been of the opinion for a very long time now that if an SDA goes to SS, church services, pays tithe, goes to prayer meeting, and carries their Bible they are considered good SDAs.
Just my opinion but not my brand of Christianity.
God deserves more than that. He is so awesome.
Diana |
Dd
Registered user
Username: Dd
Post Number: 62
Registered: 7-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 1:17 pm: | |
Diana,
I believe you just described a good club member! I use to be one! Just reading your list of requirements for members in good standing brought back some of the "darkness" my membership gave me.
GIVE ME JESUS!!! |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 433
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 2:36 pm: | |
AMEN Dd. Jesus is all we need.
Diana |
