| Author | Message | ||
| Doug_s Registered user Username: Doug_s Post Number: 43 Registered: 7-2004 |
Dd, No, I'm a convert. I didn't have a clue what SDA's were until I met my wife. I was living the wild life and spotted this hot chic hanging out by the pool at my apartment complex. She was there visiting another adventist woman friend of her's. She was living on her own and wasn't attending church much. She said she had given up on finding a good adventist man. Her friend would try to get her to go with her to church to man hunt. My wife was of the opinion that all the good ones were married. So, she settled for a lost soul from the wrong side of the denominational track. She always maintained her SDA roots and identity but just wasn't particularly interested in going to church. It's funny, all the while, after I had joined the church and we had children and were seriously devoted sabbath keepers she would say from time to time "what if we're wrong?". My wife doesn't forget easily and when her trust is broken it's hell to pay. I attribute that to her upbringing and her hardy Italian blood. For her it was relational, for me it was mostly theological. I had already made the break emotionally by the time we decided to leave. She still gets angry, mainly because she feels betrayed, plus her family is still fully hooked and think we are being deceived by the devil. Doug | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 333 Registered: 3-2004 |
I cannot help but agree with Colleen that there is a demonic hold on the SDAs. Satan makes sure they feel guilty with every infraction of the EGW rules. Especially the Sabbath, EGW and the end of the world scenarios. Thank God He pulled me away gently and a little at a time and I was not aware of it. He helped me establish another identity before showing me EGW. He is AWESOME. Diana | ||
| Praisegod Registered user Username: Praisegod Post Number: 98 Registered: 3-2004 |
Dane said, ěWhen we left I was upset and it was a major adjustment but I did not have the depth of anger that some of our friends have expressed. A few we know in this category let their anger fester until they left Christianity altogether.î Yes, I believe that is an important point. If we recognize bitterness, anger, depression or whatever negative within us, thatís a sign to let Jesus replace it with his peace. There are so many ex-SDAs who no longer consider themselves even Christians. Yet Iíve found they still have that inward guilt and shame that they have left the ětruth.î Itís really quite crazy, probably another demonic issue. Itís interesting that my son-in-law studied himself out of the SDA church and is really growing in his Christian experience. His brother, on the other hand, doesnít claim any relationship with Jesus, yet has that guilt still festering inside. And the parentsí attitude? My son-in-law is more ělostî to them than their other son! How they can possibly feel that way is quite beyond me. Praise GodÖ | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 335 Registered: 3-2004 |
Praise God, The other son is not going to an "apostate" church. It is crazy making if we let it. It is something I will never understand. Diana | ||
| Dd Registered user Username: Dd Post Number: 46 Registered: 7-2004 |
Doug, You said your in-laws are still "hooked" and think you are being deceived by the devil...in their eyes, are you the devil that has lead their daughter astray? Has your relationship suffered? How old are your children? Do they understand what has happened? How do they deal with the change? Did you have them in SDA schools? Are your own parents a part of your lives? If so, are they Christians and supportive? If I'm too nosey - please forgive me! | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 768 Registered: 11-2002 |
About this topic-I'm not bitter with my own situtation. This is because I have always been the one in the family to beat to a different drummer, to do my own thing. However, my mom is in her mid 80's and it just breaks my heart to see her be such a recluse because of the SDA religion being so exclusive of any other Christians. There are many senior citizen things in my commnuity, yet my mom won't get involved with them and it is because of the religion. There's the community craft meeting several mornings per month but it is held in the social hall over at the Methodist church so that is out. There is the community senior low impact aroebic exersise class held every weekday morning but it too is over at the social hall at the Methodist church. There is the senior lunch program at the community center but what if pork is in the food? What if the non-pork food is cooked in pots that had pork cooked in them? So, that is out. There is the community Christian women's association but my mom won't join because the women aren't Commandment-keepers. They have an awsome monthly meeting with potluck but again what about pork? However, the local SDA church has a lady who is a member of this organization so their monthly meeting is held at the SDA social hall once per year and my mom will go to that meeting. Funny thing, the ladies bring whatever they want to the potluck because most of them haven't a clue about the meat/pork rules in Adventism. The SDA lady who is a member of the local Christian wonen's organization once told me she only is a member so she can be a wittness to these Christian ladies about "the rest of the gosple". I asked her what she ment by that and she told me the rest of the gosple is the truth about Sabbath, the truth about the state of the dead, the truth about diet and health, the truth about EGW and the end times. I asked her why she bothers the ladies with all these additions because they obiveslly are Christians, the name of the orgnization is the Community Christian Women's Association and she said,and this is an exact quote, she said,"They need to learn the rest of the gosple. They only have Jesus". But, back to my mother-she missed out on so much all her middle age years because of the SDA religion. She worked with wonderful people. Very nice people. Most every Friday after work the invitation was open for anyone from work to meet at a certain local eating joint. For nearly 30 years she had this offer and I believe she only went several times and those times she made sure the sun set real late. She was so concerned that she might be out at a restruant with her collegues after sunset on Friday evenngs and that would be a sin. Until we went to see The Passion the last time she'd gone to a movie was arond 20 years ago when her and me went to see "A Cry in the Dark" staring Merel Strep. It was the the story about a SDA preacher and his wife from Australia. The dingo ate their baby while they were on a camping trip. This is what irritates me so much-I just think my moms quality of life could be so much better if she wasn't so bound to all those rules. Last year I did get her to go to a concert with me though and we had a wonderful evening. I took her to hear John Michael Talbot, at a Catholic church, no less and she really enjoyed herself. Oh, I just love hearing his music. And, it also gets under my fingernails when I ask my six year old granddaughter to tell me about what she learned in school that day and she gives me the life story of Ellen White. The child will start first grade at the local SDA school next month. She told me this several months ago while she was still in kindergarten. As for me, I could just leave it all behind and not give it two seconds of thought but I see how my loved ones have missed out on so much because of the religion. And, I don't mean missed out on sleezy, low-life, no-good activities. I mean missing out on social things with very nice, clean-cut Christian people. This is what gets up my dander! Thanks for letting me vent! | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 339 Registered: 3-2004 |
"They only have Jesus". If only every SDA knew that is all they need. They would be so much happier. The more I am away from adventism, the more I see how crazy making it is, how demeaning to the soul and spirit. Diana | ||
| Bb Registered user Username: Bb Post Number: 9 Registered: 7-2004 |
Susan, your mother is just like mine! I think the last (and only) movie she ever went to was National Velvet starring the teenage Liz Taylor!!I think she still remembers it being a rebellious thing she did and probably has guilt over it. She was interested in seeing The Passion, but I didn't encourage her because I thought she wouldn't be able to handle it. She watched a lot of clips on it from her Sky Angel TV on the Catholic channel. Sometimes she veers from 3ABN to see what the other religions are saying. She got interested in Hal Lindsey, but when he said something about soul sleep she got disgusted and wouldn't listen to him anymore. I feel sorry for her because she is actually very fearful of being around non-adventists in any kind of social situation. She cannot live in a regular retirement community, it has to be an SDA one. It seems so constrictive and exclusive. When I was growing up if I talked about a friend I made the first question was "Are they adventist?" I got so sick of that question. Who cares! I thought. Now I'm venting too. But it's good to know there are others out there with the same issues! Bb | ||
| Raven Registered user Username: Raven Post Number: 7 Registered: 7-2004 |
Okay, I have a "So have you"... turned in your Pathfinder scarf, slide and pins? I remember back when I was a Pathfinder, every investiture service, the church official would solemnly tell each of us that it was a serious responsibilitiy to have this Pathfinder symbol. And that if we ever left the church, although that would surely never happen, would we please promise to send the items back to him? I don't even know where mine are! | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 345 Registered: 3-2004 |
Raven, Oh Dear, I have some pins and a scarf I received from Pathfinders. I paid for them I think, they are mine to do with what I please. That was a loooong time ago. I know where mine are. They are in my black trunk right here near my computer and they are in a box. I do not remember anyone saying to turn them in if we left the church. Oh, well, like I said they are mine. I worked for them. Diana | ||
| Ladylittle Registered user Username: Ladylittle Post Number: 33 Registered: 4-2004 |
What an experience Raven! Seems to me that must have been the that local church's thing. I never heard it growning up, and when my kids participated in 'Adventurer Club' several years ago, none of us were church members and that didn't seem to be a problem. Mary | ||
| Doug_s Registered user Username: Doug_s Post Number: 45 Registered: 7-2004 |
Dd, It's weird, my mother-in-law blames my wife, even though I'm the one who left first. My father-in-law died over ten yrs ago of cancer. Our relationship with my mother-in-law and her two brothers (and their families) is somewhat strained for obvious reasons but we don't really talk about it much. She has a sister who believes like us, but she doesn't really go to church much. We kind of avoid any discussion about it. We have a 12 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter, who have adjusted well. We have them involved in an excellent church with excellent youth ministries. They were never in SDA schools, which is another story all together and I believe that is God's providential care. My parents are Christians (Disciples of Christ), but are somewhat removed from the whole situation. They don't really get involved in it. I don't think they ever really understood the gravity of the situation. Since we live so far away from both sides of our families we are somewhat cushioned from any real, major conflict that might arise. We purposefully chose to live away from both sides of our family. Doug | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 367 Registered: 3-2004 |
I lived far away from my family and my ex's family for a different reason. It had nothing to do with religion. But it made it so much easier to raise my son away from the relatives. I thank God he took me away from the relatives. Diana | ||
| Doug_s Registered user Username: Doug_s Post Number: 48 Registered: 7-2004 |
In my post above I can see where it might be misleading. Where I said "Our relationship with my mother-in-law and her two brothers (and their families)...)" I'm talking about my mother-in-law and my wife's two brothers (my brothers-in-law). And the sentence after that, where I say "She has a sister..." I am referring to my wife's sister (my sister-in-law). There I hope that clears things up a little bit. Sorry for confusion. Doug | ||
| Doug_s Registered user Username: Doug_s Post Number: 49 Registered: 7-2004 |
Yes Diana I understand what you are saying. We found that it's easier living away from family for reasons other than religion as well. Although SDA beliefs played a major role. The holidays can really get messed up with both sides' expectations. Issues with parenting styles was a big reason for our moving away and we also found it best for us to live far away from both sides in order to effectively dilute or remove the expectations that come during the holidays. | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 787 Registered: 11-2002 |
I live next door to my elderly sda mother-tell me about it! If my car is not in the driveway on Sunday mornings I get confronted with, "Did you go to church on Sunday again?" And, how I worded the above sentence is actually very mild to what I really hear. Now her tactic is that she has errands to run and the only time she can make for me to do her errands for her is on Sunday mornings. I need prayer for patience in dealing with this emotional stress. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 512 Registered: 12-2003 |
Yes, distance is sometimes essential, and sometimes when geographic distance is not possible, God helps us to create boundaries that help us to live peacefully and respectfully. It's a continuing struggle and heartbreak for many of us...but God is faithful! Colleen | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 374 Registered: 3-2004 |
Susan_2, I will put you and your Mom on my prayer list. I lived in Virginia while my son was growing up, finished college, went into the USAF, and got married. I moved back to the West, after my Mom died in 2002. I now live in Nevada near our youngest sister. She is really good and does not criticize me and I do not do that to her. She does not tell anything to the rest of the family about me. So, when I did not rejoin the SDA church I told each of my brothers and sisters. I have 4 family members in Riverside, CA, one in Montana and one in Florida. I have problems with a sister in CA. She thinks I do not like her because I will not discuss politics with her. That is her thing and I do pray for her and each of my brothers and sisters. But as Colleen said above, God has helped me create boundaries. I think the problem with this one sister is that she remembers me as I was before I left California in 1970. I have changed a lot since then. I have not ask her for help for anything, for a long time, except to pray for me when I need special prayers. Distance was good for me and my son while he was growing up. It kept him away from the dysfunction in my family. I thank God for that. Every day I see more and more how awesome God is. Diana | ||
| Tealeaves Registered user Username: Tealeaves Post Number: 93 Registered: 5-2004 |
I am having to figure out how to draw boundaries with my mother. She isn't SDA, but is on full-blown midlife crisis. WHile I was growing up she was a Christian, ran the women's ministries, she and my Dad helped run Marriage Encounters etc. And we used to be pretty close. At lest, as close as she lets anyone get. Now, she has shacked up with then married an alcoholic, and started smoking a pipe, drinking, cussing etc. And she brings her husband and her alcohol to my house. I said she can't do that anymore, so last time she was here, we found a whole bunch of empty beer bottles in our garbage can... she was drinking after we went to bed! I have to figure out how and where to draw the lines with her, taking into account that this person has never admitted she was wrong. or said sorry, to anyone in our family, including my father, her husband of 25 years. So how do you draw boundaries, while being loving, and being non-judgmental? It is a battle. I have to love her while standing up for my faith and my family at the same time. Not a black and white issue... I wish it were! | ||
| Freeatlast Registered user Username: Freeatlast Post Number: 209 Registered: 5-2002 |
I heartily recommend the book "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It was a tremendous help to me when I had to set some boundaries with my difficult family members. Good luck and God bless! |
