| Author | Message | ||
| Sabra Registered user Username: Sabra Post Number: 171 Registered: 10-2001 |
Some of you here know my issues with my husband. I'm not going to go too much into that. He has gotten worse instead of better and is now popping pills like most people eat m&m's. He works but I know a lot of his money goes to that, anyways.. He promises one thing and does another, has no accountablity, takes no responsibility. OK, just call me Isabel and him Nabel. I feel that God has told me to stay here. Once I prayed for a word from the pastor and that day he preached on the importance of fathers, said a "bad" dad is better than no dad at all. Another time I prayed about it and opened the bible right to "God hates divorce" in Malachi. Another time God told me to lift him up. I do that, but not as consistently as I know God wants me to because I get so tired of it. (sorry God) Lately He told me to endure and He would work it all out to His Glory and purpose. I had planned to move back here and stay home a year but my husband has already gone back on the amount of money he is supposed to contribute to paying the bills. Of course, it's my fault since I put too much pressure on him and he can't concentrate on work. (gag) So I prayed if God didn't want me to go back to work He wouldn't let it work out and I called my old boss up. He said someone just turned in a notice on Friday and he would love to have me back. I have control issues. No one has ever taken care of me, I've taken care of myself since I was 15 and I have a hard time trusting anyone to take care of things. I feel like I am worthless sitting home, even though I know somewhere that I'm not, I still feel that way. The fact that my husband has never taken care of anything in his life and is in trouble for not paying child support and could go to jail any day for that doesn't help. So, is it ok to go back to work or am I just not trusting God to supply all of my needs according to His riches in Glory? I didn't mention either, trying to be totally honest here, that my husband makes me feel inferior, like I am under his control when I don't work. I keep the house spotless and he finds stuff to pick on and frankly, I like the position of being able to pay my own bills and tell him to clean the house if he wants it clean. :X So, there you have it. I know if you all were in the world what you would tell me, but I need to do the right thing. Thanks for your help! Sabra | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 503 Registered: 3-2004 |
Sabra, You are in my prayers. Find an Al-Anon meeting where you live. How old are your children? There are Al-Anon meetings for children and teenagers also. Al-Anon is not just for alcholics, but for any body who is in a relationship that is dysfunctional. At the same time find a job. In my opinion, God does not want any one living under conditions where one is so controlling. If one parent is not a Godly parent that is a bad example for the children. Do you want you children growing up with that example in their life. You might try an intervention, if you have close friends and relatives nearby that he likes. Most important, no one can make you feel inferior exept you. So do not believe him. It sounds to me like you do not, to a certain degree because you already tell him to clean the house if he wants it clean. I say, with the experience I have about dysfunctional personalities, pray, get a job, do not be a victim or a co dependent person. I am praying for you. How old are your children> God is an awesome God and will make it clear what you should do. Diana | ||
| Susan_2 Registered user Username: Susan_2 Post Number: 868 Registered: 11-2002 |
Sabra, How old are the chldren? Would they have to be in a daycare facility if you were at work? Or, do you have family or close friends who could keep the kids while you are working? It sounds like your husband is not very responsible. Is he responsible with the kids? What I mean by that question is if you were at work would he stay home and watch them? What sorts of pills is he misusing? Does he use other illegial/legal drugs to the point of it causing problems in the relationship? You've heard of DARE? It stands for: Drugs Are Real Expensive and they are, not only finincially but in he toll it causes families, also. Do you have a Christian minister you can consult with? You are between a rock and a hard place and I hope you take Diana's suggestion of going to counseling. I will keep your issues in my prayers. | ||
| Sabra Registered user Username: Sabra Post Number: 173 Registered: 10-2001 |
Kids are 4, 9 and 12. I would need daycare for the 4 year old and his little buddy is 4 and his mom and I are great friends so I'm hoping mine can go to daycare with his friend, it's a preschool in a church and it's not too expensive. The girls could walk home from school and stay until I get home, about 2-3 hours. They are almost 10 and 13, birthdays in Oct. He takes Lortabs, valium, and xanex that I know of. Spends at least 100 a week on them and takes 8-15 a day that I know of. He hides them so I don't know for sure. He wont confront his life so he wants to remain numb, sleeps with the TV on, always in noise. He used to drink and smoke pot before he got "saved" in 2001 and I know he doesn't do that anymore, guess he thinks this is better since it's less apparent. He has no will power for anything so I don't see any hope of him quitting or even really wanting to. To tell you the truth, the pot was better, this changes his whole personality and he just has no personality anymore. He works all day and half the night so, no, he wont watch kids and I don't have any family here or much anywhere. I've done that Al-Anon thing and sorry, it's not for me, it was just a bunch of whiney, negative co-dependant people that drug me down and made me feel like I was somewhere I didn't fit in. They were all sorry and wouldn't get off their butts to help themselves so they wanted misery to keep them company. It could be different somewhere else, but that is what it is here in the south. Guess it would be fair to point out that he does try, he always keeps groceries in the house and bought all of the kids school clothes and he's not all bad. Kids love him, it's so hard for them. Thanks for your help, sorry to dump on yall. | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 595 Registered: 12-2003 |
Sabra, I don't see an easy answer here. The fact that he's not abusive to the kids and they love him is positive. I aree with Diana that you can't be a victim; if you had been praying about working and God opened a job for you, it seems that is an open door for you. One of the reasons I'm cautious about this is that I have a dear friend who married a high-functioning alcholic before she was saved. He drank, as I reall, 1/2 gallon of gin a day and worked many hours. He had a raging temper when drunk or crossed, but he had a solid core of integrity (as odd as that sounds) under the REALLY dysfunctional alcoholism. She was prepared (and we were prepared to help her) do an intervention about 13 years ago. She had a plan to leave and a plan for how to proceed. To my surprise and disapproval, she prayed long and hard as the set intervention date approached (she had accepted Jesus by then and had truly been born again), and she clearly was impressed to stay. Her next few years were hellish. (They had no children at home and were middle-aged by then.) She began to read various spiritual books to him for 15 minutes in the morning every day, and she kept it up for years. Very gradually, his health began to deteriorate, and he began to drink less. He finally quit smoking and also quit drinking, although he behaved like a dry drunk. My friend continued to read, and we continued to pray for him. The upshot of the story is that nearly three years ago now, he accepted Jesus, and he now attends church with her regularly and is a different person. Sabra, you are in a very hard position. God will clarify to you what you should do. I do recommend, though, that you (even if he doesn't) get some Christian counseling. Better yet would be if he would go with you. (I want to emphasize the Christian part of that prescription, though!) You need some help to see the big picture (because none of us sees objectively from inside our own lives!), and some support in understanding what boundaries to set and how to entrust him to God while honoring God and your husband. I will pray for you re: this, Sabra. Colleen | ||
| Praisegod Registered user Username: Praisegod Post Number: 111 Registered: 3-2004 |
Sabra, would you be interested in connecting with former SDA who works as a nurse in Chattanooga? She could possibly give you some great support in a way those who haven't been SDAs would not understand. If you'd like to discuss it further, contact me at formersdadventist@yahoo.com. Praise God... | ||
| Sabra Registered user Username: Sabra Post Number: 174 Registered: 10-2001 |
Well, he came home with a boat tonight. Does that say enough? I think so. No money all week but we have a boat. I'm going to work Monday. I don't want to put a bunch of negative junk on here so I'm gonna leave it at that. I'm giving it to the Lord and I'm believing for 8 hours sleep in 4 1/2 because it's 1:30 and I gotta go to church in the morning. 'night and thank you all. Sabra | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 519 Registered: 3-2004 |
Sabra, I continue to pray for you and yours. Remember, God is in charge. Keep praying and reading and studying your Bible. Let us know when you get a job. We love you girl. Diana | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 634 Registered: 12-2003 |
Sabra, I'll echo Diana. I continue to pray for you and yours. Keep us posted! Love, Colleen | ||
| Carol_2 Registered user Username: Carol_2 Post Number: 166 Registered: 2-2002 |
Dear Sabra! You are in my thoughts and prayers, I haven't forgotten you! We're in the middle of packing and moving, and I just got Mary out to Arizona for college, so it's been hectic & I've not been on the forum much. I echo Diana, we love you girl! God is watching over you and your family, Carol | ||
| Sabra Registered user Username: Sabra Post Number: 175 Registered: 10-2001 |
Thanks guys, I started work on Tuesday and set up a sitter but my husband decided he wants to keep my son during the day. I'm a little uncomfortable with it because he is driving him around everywhere but I put him on the list for the preschool that we liked so hopefully they will have an opening soon. Work is great. God has given me favor with the Dr. and it is really easy too. It's a dentist, I'm an assistant. I have to work 1 or 2 Friday half days a month and Mon-Thur 8:30-4:30 or 5:00. There was something on TV last night with Life Today about anger and working through it and I asked my husband if he would watch it with me and he stomped down the stairs and plopped on the couch with his arms folded like a little bratty kid. I told him to forget it. He watched a little and then my friend popped in, so much for that. It's God's deal now, I'm too sick of it to do anything. I know He is working it out somehow. Blessings on your move, Carol. Did you sell the house? Love yall --oh, I just prayed for the SDA's, a few minutes early since I have to go and paint my friend's daughter's room. I'm such a sucker! Later! Sabra |
