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Tealeaves
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Username: Tealeaves

Post Number: 205
Registered: 5-2004
Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 1:07 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I am having a HARD day. Background is that I am privileged to be able to stay home with my two kids, and that my husband runs his business from an office on our property. Things are going great, we are "expecting" another child, (by adoption), and my boys are getting along well.

It is ME that is the problem. I just feel like I am treading water. my husband gets to take off and golf with his employees for stress relief one day a week. (Yes, in the middle of the day.) And today he is out test driving a new car with some friends. And he is a great, caring loving husband, so I don't want to begrudge him his free time. And I am so grateful for what God has given us, but SOmething is wrong with ME, because i just feel stuck! I have no regular outlet for letting off steam, or getting away and relaxing. My hobbies are horseback riding, writing, and quilting, but we don't have horses right now (not enough time for them), and I have to sneak off to quilt while my kids and husband are asleep if I am to get that done at all. And usually it is a choice: either finish the laundry, or drink tea and sew. Choosing the "me-time" gets me swimming in guilt.
Long story short, I have a wonderful husband and awesome kids, and great circumstances, but I still feel stifled and just crazy sometimes. And especially today! On top of that, 2 women called and asked me to watch their kids this weekend, one on Saturday, one on Sunday. So that kind of blows any catching up I had planned for the weekend. And our sheep are expecting too, so I may soon be playing midwives to our three bulging ewes. (oh, if anyone knows how to get rid of barn owls, let me know. two of them are divebombing me whenever I go in the barn. That should make for a comical lambing scene!)

Am I crazy? Or does anyone else ever feel this way. It isn't a constant thing, it just hits me sometimes, and I don't want to say anything, because my friends would probably be thinking "Her husband makes good money, and he is a great guy, and she doesn't have to work, what is SHE complaining about!!" And they are right. But I still feel so crazy sometimes. Today, i actually started crying when I had a spare moment while the kids were napping, grabbed a cup of tea, and went to put on my favorite CD. And it was missing. I literally lost it. Help!
Anyway, sorry for the mindless rantings. Please offer up a prayer for my sanity.
-tanya-
Melissa
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Username: Melissa

Post Number: 712
Registered: 7-2003


Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 1:44 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tanya, You are not crazy. As a single mom, I know exactly how hard it is to take time to nurture your own soul. If you are zapped, you have nothing to give anyone. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself.

Father, I pray for Tanya that you would provide her peace and comfort for her day. I pray that you would give her wisdom to understand where her real "guilt" should lie, if any. I pray that her children would sense Mom's tiredness and find a way to not test her and to be compliant. And I thank you that we have this place to ask for prayers from our brothers and sisters in Christ when we're too drained to pray for ourselves. Father, you know our needs and our hearts. Please give her strength to take a needed break and let the house go for a while. Also help her know the wisdom of setting boundaries around her time and her home to know when to say no to "opportunities" knocking. I pray that you would find alternatives for these other women for their weekend childcare needs so that Tanya can take some time for herself. And should that not be your will, please give her peace about what is left undone, knowing you see the big picture, we don't. Thank you, Lord, that you care for us.
Vchowdhury1
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Username: Vchowdhury1

Post Number: 120
Registered: 7-2004
Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 1:46 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tealeaves, I feel for you. Sometimes I feel "Stuck" also. I would suggest that you talk to your husband about this. Does he know how you feel?? Is he an understanding person? Maybe you and your husband can get someone to watch the kids one weekend and go somewhere, just the two of you even if its just a "day" outing. Also, I think one of our problems is that we have to learn to say "no" sometimes. Like the extra kids that you're asked to watch over the weekend. There's nothing wrong with telling the parents that this weekend is not a good one (to watch their kids). I will pray that the Lord will guide you in what to do. You'll be okay. I have a feeling if you talk to your husband about how you feel, both of you can probably work something out where YOU can spend some time in pursuit of what makes you happy, and maybe he can watch the kids a little more often. I am praying for you.

--Valerie
Packer_eric
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Username: Packer_eric

Post Number: 16
Registered: 3-2004
Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 4:07 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tealeaves,

Let me first say that I am A GUY reading your post and know what you are going through...sorta...I am also the "breadwinner" who has a wife of 14 years, 2 great boys and a dog...(no farm animals, darnit!!) At times, my wife feels the same way but won't necessarily inform me! We are not quite as financially stable as we'd like (several moves, a college loan taken on at the age of 40, etc.) BUT, the fact that you are expecting rang a chord with me. Please don't take this the wrong way, but, fellas...we've all been there, right? No, we don't know exactly what she is going thru, but, your body is going in and out of physical strains and that is casuing the occassional cries, maybe...just a thought from a male's perspective.

As any Christian sister or brother would tell you, "hang in there," send a little prayer The Lord's way, and tomorrow is another day...and the next day is yet another day...
Flyinglady
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Username: Flyinglady

Post Number: 1022
Registered: 3-2004


Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 4:20 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tanya,
I wrote a lovely long post, edited it and then hit the wrong button so it did not post.
What I said is what Valerie and Melissa have said. Every Mom needs "Mom Time". That is something you have to pray about and discuss with your husband. He sounds like a very good man and because he is a man, he has no idea what is going on in you. Hey Guys, I do not mean anything mean or nasty. Men, just do not think like women. You need to talk to him when the kids are in bed and everything in the house is as calm as it can get. Tell him what is going on in you. Together, you two can find a solution. God will help with that one and I have put you on my prayer list.
We do have an awesome God.
Diana
Susan_2
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Username: Susan_2

Post Number: 1475
Registered: 11-2002
Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 5:37 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tanya, for getting rid of the barn owls I would suggest a pellet gun. It might be good to get in some target practice. Shooting something might be good too as a temporary stress releiver. Also, you are under NO OBLIGATION TO WATCH ANYONE ELSES KIDS-EVER! Practice saying, NO and meaning it. I wish you well. I know it can be tiring and hard.
Chris
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Username: Chris

Post Number: 629
Registered: 7-2003


Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 5:53 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tealeaves, we males are rather bad about believing that our work begins and ends at the office door and that the house and kids are the domain of the wife. This is sometimes especially true for those of us that have stay at home wives. I have to admit my own guilt in behaving this way at times. My wife has taken to having "Girls' Night Out" about once a week or so with a couple of her friends. The husbands stay home, feed the kids, do dishes, bathe the kids, and tuck them in for the night. It's good Daddy bonding time with the kids and it helps Mom keep her sanity. Is something like this a possibility for you?

Chris
Bb
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Username: Bb

Post Number: 70
Registered: 7-2004
Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 5:55 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hey Tanya,
I've been in a slump lately too! I think it might be the weather. I am a stay at home mom and I really love it, but some days it just seems like the work never ends, and isn't worth it. Picking up, picking up, dishes, laundry, etc. I also am very fortunate to be able to stay home too with the kids, but sometimes I just want to be ALONE! So hang in there! And when other kids come over it makes it nice for a while that they have a playmate, but then it gets stressful and you want the child to leave and just have your own family there. I guess we need to realize that "this too will pass".
Colleentinker
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Username: Colleentinker

Post Number: 1376
Registered: 12-2003


Posted on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 8:27 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Oh, Tanya--I understand how you feel also! Even though my kids are older, I went through an extended slump where I could cry at the drop of a hat this fall when I went from teaching full time to working (alone) at home full time doing Life Assurance Ministries work. I also struggled with feeling guilty for feeling down--after all, I'm at home (right where I can see all the yard and house work I don't have time to finish instead of leaving it out of sight by going to school!), and my husband is supportive and kind to me, and yet there's that nagging feeling that I'm just not managing well enough, and...and...and...

There are two things that I've done that have helped me; one of them was especially helpful during the time I was teaching (talk about frantic!), and the other has helped me through this transition this last fall.

The first was that I finally told God that if Sabbath rest was really real, then it had to work where I was most out of control, and I began praying that God would help me accomplish what I needed to do with His grace and efficiency, and that I would be able to let go of the things I couldn't do. In ways I cannot even explain, God was faithful, over and over again, to answer that prayer. He really brought peace to my heart where I normally felt frantic, and I really was able to let go of my compulsive feelings of needing to accomplish everything around me.

The second thing that helped me a lot this fall was that I began to ask God to be all that I needed. I think I experienced some culture shock at suddenly not having supportive colleagues around me, and I realized that Richard could not fill that gap, nor was he supposed to. Amazingly, I have just these past few weeks been realizing that God has again been faithful, and He is bringing a sense of resolution to me and helping me live by a "schedule" of sorts that gives me a sense of order. I am often aware that He is really with me, and I just praise Him for helping me do what He has placed in front of me--and that He is my reward!

I know one thing that is really good for me is Monday night at women's Bible study at church. Chris really does make a good point about having a night (or a morning--whatever) when your husband can be with the kids and you can go and be with some women who are encouraging and supportive.

I am praying now, Tanya, that God will glorify Himself in your circumstances and that He will be your rest and your peace and make it possible for you to have appropriate boundaries on your time.

Colleen
Tealeaves
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Username: Tealeaves

Post Number: 208
Registered: 5-2004
Posted on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 11:31 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Thanks for your words an prayers, everybody. I did go talk t my husband about this last night, and it went ok, but was exhausting. He is very sweet, caring and sensitive, but along with that comes a tendency to be defensive. He scans everything i say and takes anything that he is or is not doing as some sort of attack on him. (this has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I tend to address issues head on, while he doesn't ever address any issues because he doesn't want to "hurt feelings.")
So anyway, i spent most of our conversation trying to make him understand that I wasn't dissatisfied with him, or unhappy with him, assigning blame, that I was just needing some time to be alone and BREATHE every once in a while. (Reminds me of the movie "Shall We Dance", has anyone seen it? Where Richard Gere starts taking a dance class without telling his wife because he doesn't want to make her feel that he is dissatisfied with her? I very much identified with his character in that movie!)

It took a long conversation last night, and another this AM, but he finally undestands what I am saying, I think.
We are going to try to set up at least one night a week where I can go out alone and take a breather. I signed up for a Pilates class today, so I will check that out and see if it is a good fit. (I actually considered ballet for half a second, then laughed myself off my chair at the tought of me trying to coordinate my hands and feet to do ANYTHING at the same time.)

So that is a start. I still think my husband's feelings are hurt at the thought that I am not thrilled with our current arrangement. (Since he is just fine with it... "Of course you are", I told him. "you go to Starbucks with the guys several times a week, and take every Friday off to golf.")
I hope it was worth the conversation, and I hope that at least we are both aware of what is making me a little crazy. We also talked about the fact that when I DO go out in the evenings, the house won't necessarily always be spotless, and the dinner might not always be pre-arranged. (He is a perfectionist, and he doesn't say anything, but I know that sort of thing bothers him.) He says he is ok with that too, and will help pick up the slack.

So I think overall it was a good conversation. Thank you all again for your kinds words and prayers!! I feel today like I can at least see the possibility of some stress relief.
-tanya-
ps,
I had to laugh at the idea of me trying to shoot our owls with a pellet gun in my metal barn. I can just see it ricocheting and leaving me with little pockmarks. My husband is a little intimidated by owls, or I'd have him out there trying that very thing. ( I guess he has reason to be a little weird about it. They things swoop down about 8 inches over your head when you go in there!)
Flyinglady
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Username: Flyinglady

Post Number: 1031
Registered: 3-2004


Posted on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 6:54 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tanya, you and your situation and your husband are in my prayer book. God will take care of everything, as He usually does, in His own way and in His own time. In all that, He is an awesome God.
Diana
Randyg
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Username: Randyg

Post Number: 13
Registered: 12-2004
Posted on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 8:17 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Your husband is very lucky to has someone courageous enough to sit him down and share your feelings,needs,and wants.This type of communication is essential,otherwise resentment will show up in other areas of your relationship(s).It reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw "If Momma Ain't Happy,Ain't Nobody Happy".You need to pursue some outside hobbies or interests otherwise midlife will hit you like a ton of bricks. Take my word on that one. Randy
Tdf
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Username: Tdf

Post Number: 39
Registered: 11-2004
Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 10:32 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tealeaves,

First, congratulations on the pending adoption. My wife and I adopted a baby girl at birth and she is now 3 years old. What a blessing!

I'm glad that you told your husband what you're feeling and needing. I don't know about all men, but the guys that I know tend to be a little clueless when it comes to understanding what their wives need (myself included). My wife, who is also a full time mother, has had to sit me down and wake me up a few times. Although it took me a little time to process what she was telling me, I am genuinely glad that she shared her frustrations with me. Otherwise, I really wouldn't have had a clue.

God bless you in your busy life of caring of your family!

Tdf
Tealeaves
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Username: Tealeaves

Post Number: 209
Registered: 5-2004
Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 11:36 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Thanks again for the prayers, everybody. Today is a brighter day! (despite the crying-hangover.) I got out last might with a girlfriend,and went to dinner and the fabric store. I know, not exciting for most, but fun for us! And my husband took the kids out for the night. (He actually took the kids to dinner and then test drove some new cars! Can you imagine taking a 21 month old and a 3 and a half year old with you to test drive Acuras and BMWs?)

Anyway, it was a good evening. I am feeling much better. Thanks again!

I have a question, though, for you men out there.
My husband isvery good at sharing the positive stuff with me. (He is a bit of a mush pot, lots of compliments and "I love you's") He just doesn't talk about his expectations of me, or what he needs that he isn't getting.... even when I ask him point-blank.
The question is this: When I ask him what he needs from me, or what he is dissatisfied with, and he says "nothing" or "I don't know," is it possible that he literally doesn't know? Or does he probably just not want to say?
I know you can't answer this with 100% conviction, but I thought you might have some insight. Sometimes I think that we women can put our finger on the deficits easier. And men may know that something is off, but not be able to pin it down.
thanks again,
-tanya-
Dane
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Username: Dane

Post Number: 105
Registered: 4-2004
Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 12:47 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tanya,
As a husband of 28 years, I can only speak of myself and my experience.

God has blessed me with an incredible wife. I can't even express how thankful I am for her.

Slowly, over years, I've come to realize that she does much more for me than I do for her, but I'm working on it.

I guess that is why I sometimes hesitate to discuss my expectations. She already does so much. Also, I've come to realize that some of my expectations are selfish, and I'm learning to eliminate those things as expectations.

I am far from being a perfect husband. But several years ago I started attempting to take seriously Paul's counsel in Ephesians when he tells us that God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. If we read the whole context of the passage, I think it shows that husbands have a far greater responsibility to their wives than vice-versa. I know that this has greatly humbled me. If I am to follow Christ's example as a servant-leader, how can I expect as much of my wife as I do of myself? (I wish all of you could meet her; she is the apple of my eye, my other half, and my very best friend)

It could be that when your husband says "nothing" or "I don't know", he may be completely truthful. Perhaps you are already fulfilling his expectations beyond his wildest dreams.

Dane
Tracey
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Username: Tracey

Post Number: 178
Registered: 9-2004
Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 12:56 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

YOu MUST let off stress and steam and quilting just won't cut it!

Find an activity outside the home, and get some real exercise in your life.. An aerobics class, a dance class something like this.

You not only need time to yourself, but pent up stress without an outlet in unhealthy for the body and we all have daily stressors.

Praying you speak up and take authority for your own health.


And journalling is awesome!
Love,
Tracey
Chris
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Username: Chris

Post Number: 637
Registered: 7-2003


Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 5:40 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Tealeaves, I'm not a marriage couselor, but I am male, so I can sum up what husbands need in one word. Okay, I'll make it two words to make it more delicate: "physical affection". That might sound shallow and I may get booed off of here, but it's amazing how much of a man's self-worth, self-image, and sense of being loved and cared for come from the physical intimacy of marriage.

We males are not that complicated. We're never going to say, "I really wish you would say I love you more", or "I really wish we spent more time in long discussions". We gage the rightness of the world and the degree to which our wives love and admire us by the physical intimacy of the marriage. If that is going okay than everything else seems right with the world.

At the same time, we males have to be very conscious of the fact that most females are not validated and shown love in the same way we are. Trying to learn and understand the very different things that make us feel loved, secure, wanted, and vital has been the hardest thing for my wife and I to sort out in our marriage. We're still working at it.

Just a little rambling from a typically shallow male...... :-)

Chris
Flyinglady
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Username: Flyinglady

Post Number: 1035
Registered: 3-2004


Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 6:01 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Chris,
I know some of the folks here do not like some of Dr. Laura's opinions, but the ones that I do like are what she has written about husbands and wives.
She has written a book about them and the responses she has gotten from the wives has been really interesting. I cannot even remember the name of the book now and I have not read it. I am single after a divorce many years ago. But when I hear the wives on her show talking I think back to my marriage and what I could have done to make it better. What she says is men will do anything for a wife who shows how much they are loved and appreciated and that the physical intimacy of the marriage has improved. Like I said I have not read the book, just trying to remember what I have heard before a senior moment strikes.
Diana
Bob
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Username: Bob

Post Number: 52
Registered: 7-2000


Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 7:50 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dr. Laura's book is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." Everyone should read it, and should give it to their children of marriageable age, in my opinion.



Colleentinker
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Username: Colleentinker

Post Number: 1392
Registered: 12-2003


Posted on Thursday, February 10, 2005 - 9:18 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Yes, Dr. Laura's book is good. I also recommend Bruce and Darlene Wilkinson's marriage video series from Walk Through the Bible. For us formers, the concepts of wives submitting and husband loving their wives as Christ loved the church are truly foreign. Adventism is much more egalitarian, but that "equality of roles" is really not Biblical.

After Richard and I attended the six-installment series, a lot of things began to make sense that never had before. As foreign as the concepts of submission and being the husband's helper were to me (raised as I was in the feminist era!), it has made a huge difference. Believe me, submission/helper does not mean doormat! But it does mean that I've started to see Richard as my #1 priority, even above children.

Actually, the Wilkinson series was very much like Dr. Laura's book except that it addressed husbands as well as wives, and it brought the whole issue of marriage roles into a Christian perspective, as part of our learning to be obedient to Jesus.

It's amazing; when I treat Richard the way HE needs to be treated instead of the way I want to be treated, our relationship is so much smoother! Everyone wins.

(No, Chris--men aren't shallow! We definitely benefit from our husbands' focus and strength balancing and calming our multi-tasking, emotional approaches to life!)

Colleen

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