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Jude the Obscure
Posted on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 4:10 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Q. How did Joseph's brothers find Egypt?

A. They went south into the wilderness and turned right.
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 4:16 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Q. How come Moses wandered 40 years in the wilderness?

A. 'Cause he's a man and men never stop to ask for directions.
Timo K
Posted on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 5:39 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

When I was in highschool some adventist told that, we need not have the gift of prophesy, since EGW already had that insetead of us.

I went to tell my friend about that. He answered " what else did she do instead of us?" We agreed both "a lot". "Maybe she will go to heaven instead of us too". Then at lesast we have one extra represantative in heaven. (sad but some think that "Spirit of prophesy" is some-one else than THE HOLY SPIRIT).
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 5:50 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

They blaspheme, do they not, friend Timo?
Plain Patti
Posted on Tuesday, April 25, 2000 - 7:16 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Mom to son: "Son, don't eat that tuna fish sandwich."

Son: "Why not, Mom. Jesus ate fish."

Mom: "Well, that's true, but He didn't have the "spirit of prophecy."
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 11:37 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Someone has said, "Want to hear God laugh? Tell him your plans."
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 11:41 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

From Rev. Warren J. Keating:

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed, "The Gate of Heaven." Below that was a small cardboard sign which read, "Please use other entrance."
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 11:46 am:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

From RAY KERLEY:

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Plain Patti
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 12:24 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

'Conversion"

A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity.

Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, "Born a Jew, raised a Jew,now a Catholic."

The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak
wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind
him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, "Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!"
============================================

BTW, Jude, loved the joke about making God laugh. Ain't it the truth! :)
I had a wreck last Thursday (Maundy Thursday). It was a potentially very nasty wreck. (A man ran a stop sign on a highway; I was doing at least 70 MPH.) I am not used to having wrecks. :)

I am a good driver with a spotless record. I have avoided all kinds of incidents and feel very competent and in control behind the wheel. It was difficult for me to accept the fact that I was about to total out my van,even as I saw it happening, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It is at a time like this that you realize how very little control you really have over events in your life. But, you know what, it happened anyway, whether I could "accept" it or not. Just makes me realize how vain we are to think we are in "control" of our lives, or anything else for that matter.

BTW, we were very lucky. All of us, my daughter, me, the man I hit and my dachshund puppy walked away from the wreck. I am very grateful.
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 1:16 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hi, Patti,

Great to hear from you. You're posts are consistently "on target," and you seem to have as clear a picture of the new covenant as anyone on this website. This has been an amazing revelation to me: your perspicacity.

Yes, I agree that God has to become more sovereign in our lives. Your image of the impending crash was relevant. Maybe God sees us like that: In a van headed toward a crash we cannot prevent. And there we are, behind the wheel, having know vision of what God sees.

Sobering thought.

Bless you always,

Jude
Plain Patti
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 3:53 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

This has been an amazing revelation to me: your perspicacity.

But I use an anti-perspicarant! :)
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 5:02 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Pretty ineffective brand you've chosen!
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 5:25 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

"Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." --Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ.

A woman went to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the postal clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Has it come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." --Anonymous

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." --Anonymous

"My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife answered. Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" --Gretchen
Steve Pitcher
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 5:53 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Did you know that Jesus had His own Honda car?

Scripture says: And He went into Jerusalem, but not of His own Accord.
__________________________________________________

Where is the first motorcycle mentioned?

When Jacob's Triumph was heard all throughout the valley.
__________________________________________________

Santa Claus is mentioned in the Bible. (I think is Zechariah 2:6): Ho, and flee from the land of the North.

Ho Ho Ho,

Steve
Steve Pitcher
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 7:41 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"

So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

"What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me." "I, too, send My Son to Israel."
Jude the Obscure
Posted on Wednesday, April 26, 2000 - 9:34 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Which reminds me:

Q. How do Jews start saying the rosary once they become Catholic?

A. "Oy vey Maria."
Plain Patti
Posted on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 4:44 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Is Heaven Hotter Than Hell?

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelation 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
Plain Patti
Posted on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 4:52 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A teenaged girl went out on a date and came in at 6:00AM the next morning, hair rumpled, lipstick smeared, shoes in hand.

Her strictly religious father met her at the door:
"Good morning, child of Satan," he said sternly.

The girl looked at her father and smiled meekly, and replied, "Good morning, father."
Plain Patti
Posted on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 4:56 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

THEY DIED IN THE SERVICE?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Plain Patti
Posted on Friday, April 28, 2000 - 5:32 pm:   Edit PostDelete PostPrint Post   Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Subject: Prayer Humor

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below to swallow man and boat.

As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the
monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"

The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, "So be it."

The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast.

Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."

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