| Author | Message | ||
| Maryann |
Hi Lynn, Good to see you in full "humor form"! Good to see your name on the screen! Been missing you! Maryann | ||
| Jude the Obscure |
Great to hear from you again, Lynn. | ||
| jtree |
Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me." | ||
| Cindy |
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than..................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the .......................Bug is close It's always darkest before............Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of........Termites You can lead a horse to water but........how? Don't bite the hand that............... looks dirty No news is..............................impossible A miss is as good as a..................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new..........math If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning Love all, trust........................me An idle mind is........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's............pollution Happy the bride who....................gets all the presents A penny saved is.......................not much Two's company, three's.................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow your nose None are so blind as...................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not.........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed...........get new batteries You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind........get out of the way And the favorite: Better late than........................pregnant | ||
| Colleentinker |
Cindy, these are wonderful! I've just been laughing out loud to myself! (Somehow having spent 9 months with 14-15 yr.olds seems to have ehnaced my enjoyment of these gems!) | ||
| Steve |
Should we eat meat? Consider the musing of an Unknown carnivore: "I used to wonder if eating animals was a sin. But then I realized that God could have made animals out of anything He wanted to, and He chose to make them out of meat. Sounds like an invitation to me." | ||
| Cindy |
Steve, that is funny!! I grew up vegetarian and also love animals, so hate the thought of eating those cute cows...But as my daughter tells me, I am very hypocritical saying I don't want to kill and eat those nice animals, but I love my white leather sofa and armchair...along with my shoes and purses, etc.... It's about Grace, not about Diet anyhow! Cindy | ||
| Steve |
Your daughter is very perceptive. When a young Hare Krishna was witnessing to me of his faith, the subject came up of reincarnation, and the reason why he was vegetarian. As I drove him home that evening, I did everything I could to NOT mention the fact that bugs were splattering all over the windshield. I was possibly killing his ancestors as I drove and he never made a peep. Sometimes our children are more perceptive than we are. | ||
| Maryann |
Hi Guys, Even though I am an animal lover to the inth degree, that wasn't my problem with eating meat. I was educated that as soon as an animal died, it started to decay. How could I possibly eat a decaying animal? Geee Roooose! Yuk! I just pictured meat as a foul smelling, maggoty, disgusting dish! I think that is how some perceive meat. (Richard?) When I was 21, I was at a banquet and there was some wine served. (my first!) After sampling of the vine for a while, my plate arrived! Absolutely grossed me out. It was prime rib. But, it was the end cut. After more vine, the roast really started to smell good. Being the end cut, it was very well done and crunchy looking. The vine grew courage in me and I tasted this dead cow and it was okay. I ate about 2 oz. of this 2 lb dead cow with very loooong teeth over about an hour and that got me over the maggot theory. Now, the best way in the world to fix a steak is to season it with salt, onion and garlic powder and spread a spoon full of honey on it before grilling it. Yum yum yum ;-))) Maryann | ||
| sherry |
Oh you are so funny, Maryann! I gotta kick out of that one! | ||
| sherry |
"It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it." G. K. Chesterton "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused." Restless Nights With The IRS A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest. | ||
| sherry |
A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you". The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East. Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in. But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew and it was at the very back. "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar. "You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man. When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back. "Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvellous!" The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight. Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open. "Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvellous!" | ||
| sherry |
"Where does the idea come from that if what we are doing is fun, it can't be God's will? The God who made giraffes, has a sense of humor. Make no mistake about that." (Catherine Marshall) "He that has a merry heart has a continual feast..." Proverbs 15:15 | ||
| Patti |
Once I thought I was wrong, But I was mistaken. :) | ||
| Maryann |
I never thought I was wrong, And I was right;-)) | ||
| Steve |
Hindu's are funny too! Q: Did you hear about the Hindu who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication! | ||
| Breezy |
Steve, HA! Wendy :) | ||
| Steve |
I'm on a roll tonight! The following is a TRUE story. Could I Get a Mortgage? Ever deal with FHA? A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. "Now, may we have our ... loan?" They got it. | ||
| Steve |
Quotes from Dan Quayle. Anyone remember him? The original introduction to these quotes is not mine but is as as follows: "These are some of former vice president Dan Quayle's most famous foibles. I know he is yesterday's news, but I I just had to run them. The fact that this guy could have lead the free world kills me. Pay attention all of you college students, your parents weren't lying when they told you that you could be president if you wanted." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy ó but that could change." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." ó The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." | ||
| Breezy |
Oh my stomach, my chest, I can't stop laughing, ooh ooh it hurts. Stop, it's too funny! AAAhhh! Help me. I am laughing so hard I may not need to diet. Aside from how funny it is, it is very scary! My husband hates it when people state the obvious. His favorite pet peeve phrase of his brother's is "You can do anything if you have the right tools." Well,duh! I'm still laughing! Thanks Steve, Wendy |
