| Author |
Message |
Schasc
Registered user
Username: Schasc
Post Number: 61
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Friday, April 21, 2006 - 9:31 pm: |     |
As a child growing up in an Adventist family, I always heard that when I do wrong I should always pray and ask for forgivness. So far ok........I was also under the impression that if I prayed hard enough I would not commit that sin again.........well of course that caused alot of discouragement! Now fast forward to my kids. What do you tell your kids when they "fall short" or struggle with things in their life? What does it mean to live by the Spirit? What do you do if your child is discouraged because they cant seem to kick a certain "tendency"? Looking for your thoughts. |
Raven
Registered user
Username: Raven
Post Number: 432
Registered: 7-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 9:10 am: | |
Thanks for the question, Schasc. It will be interesting to see the responses. I have to say, my SDA upbringing has certainly influenced what I don't do with my kids! This is a sensitive area for me, and I have tended to handle things by leaving God or Christianity out of it in my direct dealings with correcting my children. Before anyone thinks I'm a total heathen, let me explain. We have our behavior expectations and consequences for outright refusal to comply. Outside of that, we also have regular discussions as questions or things come up in everyday life, and we read the Bible to our kids and discuss things in there. But, because of my negative memories, I will not directly involve God or religion in punishment, consequences, trying to reach perfection, etc. I remember too many instances as a kid where one of two things happened: Major frown of disapproval with "For shame! Don't you want to be a Jesus girl?" Or, get the severe spanking, and then immediately after while I was feeling incredibly angry at what just occurred, made to kneel down with the parent and pray to Jesus that my behavior will improve. Sorry, I won't subject my kids to meshing anger and perfection-striving with God's acceptance of me. I guess I figure that my job as a parent is to slowly teach my kids through example, instruction, and life experiences how to have a relationship with Jesus, and not focus on correcting their specific imperfections until it meets my standard. And of course I pray for them daily. |
Flyinglady
Registered user
Username: Flyinglady
Post Number: 2472
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 11:44 am: | |
Schasc,
I had to think a lot about this question. My son is now 34. As a child, when I was naughty, Mom told me that an angel wrote done all the naughty things I did. She never mentioned the good things. My parents never said they were sorry for anything, and you know that as a kid, sometimes they needed to do so. So when my son was little, I apologized to him when I hurt him or I was wrong. Then we would kneel down and pray and ask God to forgive Mom and help the both of us. I never told him the angels wrote down anything. I did not bring God or religion into any punishment with him. I remember one time he got in my way as I was vacuuming and ran the vacumn over my toes. That hurt. I told my then 3 year old son to go play on my bed until I finished. When I finished I went into the bedroom and asked my son what he was doing. His reply was, "I am asking God that Mommy be a good Mommy". Wow, did I feel small.
Like Raven, I tried to teach with example, life experiences and especailly how to have a relationship with God. Even though my name was on the SDA church books, I did not read anything from EGW to him and he was taken out of SDA schools during the 4th grade. I tried to teach him to be responsible for his actions and decisions and he is.
I do not know if this helps you. It made me think of what I did with my son.
Diana |
Colleentinker
Registered user
Username: Colleentinker
Post Number: 3803
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, April 22, 2006 - 11:05 pm: | |
Schasc, I really don't have a clear "answer" either. I still feel as if the whole child-rearing "thing" was a one-step-at-a-time, trial and error grand experiment bracketed by an unbelievable amount of prayer and private tears.
One thing I'm convinced of at this point (our sons are 23 and 19): some of their most problematic flaws are at least partially hard-wired into their temperaments. We let them reap a lot of consequences based on their own decisions. For example, we had to leave our older son more than once when he REFUSED to be ready on time in the morning. He's never really gotten over his inability to keep track of time. (The good thing now is that he's living in an apartment with a good friend who has held him accountable in ways we couldn't because we were his parents.)
We were really open with them about their natural weaknesses, and we have always talked to them about the fact that none of us gets over our innate flaws without God's help, and we always urged them to ask God to help them to be disciplined.
I am really thankful today because both of them have accepted Jesus and take their Christianity really seriously and often have surprising spiritual insight. But I can't tell you how or why they made Jesus their own. I can only say it's the result of unceasing prayer and God's calling them. I also began praying for them that God would bring Godly mentors and friends into their lives.
I suspect that our being so open with them as we studied the Bible and left Adventism also had an effect on them, because we were really delving into and discussing the Bible a lot during their jr-high and high school years. We talked about everything we were learning with them, and we were open about where we had been wrong and how the Bible was teaching us.
We also followed the policy Diana mentioned: we would apologize when we treated them unfairly or "lost it" with themóand we prayed (and even still pray) that God would help us to love them for God and to be the parents they needed us to be.
They still have the weaknesses they had has children. They are both really open-ended and procrastinate a lotóbut I have had to give it up and allow God to deal with them. Richard used to tell me I couldn't make their phlegmatic tendencies become my problem because I was wearing myself out trying to make them behave as completely different people.
Although I still pray for God to mature them and help them become the people He created them to be, I also have to thank Him that they love Him. As long as they know Jesus, He can teach them and change them.
I really don't have a clear answerówe never arrived at ways to help them overcome their worst weaknesses. But they are growing and owning their "stuff" more than I would have imagined when they were younger, and they are really wonderful, fun, committed young men with whom we have a lot of fun and for whom we both have a great deal of respect and pride. Sometimes I cry when I realize how God has worked in their lives, and I realize that who they are today is His miracle. I thank Him for having given me this role in their lives, but they are truly His.
Sorry, Schasc--I don't have any good answers exceptópray a lot, talk to them about your own experience with Jesus and what you are learning, be there in person for them whenever you can, apologize when you are wrong, teach them to ask God to strengthen and change them by His Spirit, and be willing to trust them to God. He will ultimately be the One who will bring them to Himself and to maturity.
Even in this, He is faithful!
Colleen |
Raven
Registered user
Username: Raven
Post Number: 434
Registered: 7-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 23, 2006 - 8:16 pm: | |
Within the SDA mindset, I think there's a tendency to think it's the parent's job to make sure the flaws are overcome and that the children reach "sinlessness" as soon as possible, especially those parents who live and breathe EGW.
Within the grace mindset, no one needs to "work hard" to overcome their flaws. Instead, a believer will gladly immerse him/herself in a relationship with Jesus, and the Holy Spirit will naturally convict and grow us. Therefore, I think as Christian parents, we just don't have to be as intense as the strict SDA way. Obviously we need to teach our kids how to get along civilally in society, but that's about it for "correcting flaws." Beyond that, introduce them to Jesus, listen, love them, and kindly advise as you can. Is that too liberal or permissive? I've kind of come to this conclusion after realizing if you get the right behavior without a changed heart or not for the right reason, it ultimately means nothing. Only God can change hearts. |
Rafael_r
Registered user
Username: Rafael_r
Post Number: 47
Registered: 2-2006
| | Posted on Monday, April 24, 2006 - 11:08 am: | |
http://www.biblebb.com/files/ryle/PARENTSJC.HTM
Schasc, read this, it may hepl you.
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