| Author | Message | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 1 Registered: 6-2006 |
Hi everyone, newbie here. I had a question to those of you from big Adventist families... My husband grew up in a 4-5 generation SDA family. He went through the SDA works, schools, college, etc. But much to his family's chagrin, he married me, a grace loving, "Sunday keeper" (gosh that's the stupidest term) with no intentions of joining the SDA church. My husband has attended church with me and our kids for the last 3 years, but still hides it from his family. He's even become so involved with our little Lutheran church (working on the computer system) that he has a key to the building! My question to y'all is, what has happened to the relationships you've had with your families since you left the SDA organization? Have you been able to work through it? How do your parents/siblings treat you? Thanks a million! | ||
| Randyg Registered user Username: Randyg Post Number: 212 Registered: 12-2004 |
Welcome Grace | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 4167 Registered: 12-2003  |
Hi, Grace Alone! Welcome to the forum; we're delighted to have you here. Others will have varying stories; ours is fairly simple: we still have relationships with our Adventist family members, but we have quite superficial relationships. Part of the family remains quite angry but determined to be "nice". It's not possible to have meaningful conversation about almost any topic, because we do not share what is central in our lives; knowing Jesus. We have had to put boundaries on our interactions with them, restricting contact to "family only" because over the years they have increasingly either had angry outbursts or have made pointed cynical comments in front of any "former" friends we have had over at the same time. Other Adventist family is less angry bu no less willing to talk meaningfully. At least with them, we don't fear public outbursts or embarrassment! I understand your husband's reluctance to tell his parents. We didn't tell my in-laws for (gulp!) two years! In spite of the predictable reaction, we still felt such freedom once it was out in the open. Knowing Jesus makes it easier to bear the hurt and anger and grief the family will exhibit. We can at least visit nowóbut it will never be "close". Colleen | ||
| Helovesme2 Registered user Username: Helovesme2 Post Number: 536 Registered: 8-2004  |
Welcome Grace Alone! In my experience some relationships continue, some are strained, some are ended. But thru it all Jesus does an awesome job of making sure we have the friendships we need, the connections with family that will be for our and their benifit, and comfort for the relationships lost. I'm sure there are others here who can give you more detailed answeres, and there are experiences in the archives and 'stories' sections that you can check out too. Again, welcome to the forum. I look forward to hearing more from you! Blessings, Mary | ||
| Raven Registered user Username: Raven Post Number: 489 Registered: 7-2004  |
Welcome, Grace! I'm from a big SDA family, and multi-generational as well (at least 4th). My husband (Ric_b) was a Lutheran when we met, but became SDA shortly before we married. Our story is in the latest Proclamation, as well as in the Stories area of this website. As of a couple weeks ago, we're both now Lutherans! I can understand the reluctance to go public with leaving the SDA church. When we left the SDA church almost two years ago, we did announce right away to my family and the reaction has been next to none. I think they're all uncomfortable with it, but it's not discussed. None of my family lives in the same area as we do, so it's not like we had a lot of interaction anyway. So far we haven't announced our new membership; we're a little more timid on that, especially since we're expecting the reaction to be that we went that route simply because of Rick's background. In reality, we spent an enormous amount of time researching everything and visiting many churches, besides a lot of prayer over it. We initially wanted to fit into a non-denominational church, but all the ones around here were more legalistic than the SDA church we came out of. We're happy where we are at and feel confident that is where God wants us, but we don't think the SDA family will see it that way! | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 2 Registered: 6-2006 |
Hi Randy and Colleen, You know, I had a feeling that might be what we're looking at. My husband still feels that he's SDA, but enjoys it when our Pastor gets him involved. My husband once told me that if he left the church he'd be stabbing his family in the back. It's funny that he would marry me. I've never had a desire for that great controversy! Now we have two beautiful children and I'll do anything to keep them from getting guilted into joining the SDA church. I've been doing a lot of studying on the SDA Outreach page and I love it. Being married into this family I've learned as much as all get out on the church. However I've never had the maturity or the moxie to be able to carry on a decent conversation with some of the family members. The outreach page has given me a lot to work with and has been a huge source of comfort. I'm also very glad to have found this forum. I'm just looking for the right time/dialog to bring it up and share it with my husband. Thanks so much for your reply!! Leigh Anne | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 3 Registered: 6-2006 |
Hi Mary and Raven! Thanks for the welcome. I really appreciate all your stories. I think this will be a great support for me.  | ||
| Dennis Registered user Username: Dennis Post Number: 753 Registered: 4-2000  |
Grace alone, welcome to our conversation cafe! You have come to the right place. Dennis Fischer | ||
| Cw Registered user Username: Cw Post Number: 89 Registered: 4-2006  |
Grace_alone, welcome to the forum. It's nice to have another non-former here. Although the reason I am here is BECAUSE these are formers. I get great educated and honest answers here and thay have all been a real source of comfort to me since the answers I get from my daughter, filtered through her boyfriend and his parents, don't jibe with everything else I've learned about SDA. My story is somewhat like yours in that my daughter seriously dates an Adventist and my prayer is that it does NOT lead to marriage. You say "it's funny he (your husband) would marry me". May I ask what thought you gave to SDA legalism before you married him? I am trying to understand my daughter's thinking since she was raised in a non SDA family-Assemby of God-and educated K-12 (and now in her freshman year of college) at all Evengelical Christian private schools. Melissa is also a non-former here. CW | ||
| Lynne Registered user Username: Lynne Post Number: 442 Registered: 10-2005 |
Leigh Anne, I've been married to a Sunday keeper for many years and we both dated people in our own denominations prior to meeting that didn't work out for us. We were very compatible, just culturally different. The Adventist Church didn't object to our union when we were married. I have a non-Adventist family. Adventism did cause some trouble in our marriage. Eventually, my husband prayed that I would someday leave the Adventist church. His prayers were answered many years later. I was a sincere Christian when we were married and I considered him to be a sincere Christian as well. Many Adventists are sincere Christ loving people. Some are more conservative and many are not extreme. CW, your daughter may just see this as only a cultural/denominational issue. The Lord knows our hearts and the prayers of concerned families are always heard. Lynne | ||
| Riverfonz Registered user Username: Riverfonz Post Number: 1774 Registered: 3-2005 |
Welcome grace-alone! I like that screen name, and since you said you were Lutheran, I am sure the name is consistent. It sounds like you are married to an SDA Christian and you are indeed fortunate. He sounds like he may not stay SDA for long. I grew up in the most conservative branch of Adventism with all my immediate family and extended family SDA. I was the first to break from SDA, and God has been very gracious in also bringing my sister and my father out of Adventism to other good Christian churches. It was difficult at first, but as the years have past, most of my immediate family and extended family have a very good relationship and we are able to discuss some of the issues that divide us. I will pray for you and your situation. Stan | ||
| Esther Registered user Username: Esther Post Number: 332 Registered: 5-2004 |
Welcome Grace-alone! I'm glad you are here My husband and I left the church a couple years ago and our multigenerational families have struggled with that decision at different levels. Some relationships will probably never be the same, some move on carefully. It can be pretty stressful and painful at times, but all worth it for the sake of Christ and the glorious Gospel we've learned! | ||
| Nicole Registered user Username: Nicole Post Number: 9 Registered: 4-2006 |
grace-alone, i am married to someone who is a 3rd or 4th generation adventist. he never went to church since the day i met him. except for 1-2 times we went with his mom. he has always attended church with me (i'm catholic). although his family is very nice and hospitable, there is definitely a strain between his side and myself. i have never had the courage to openly discuss what it is that they believe because i know how entrenched they are in their religion. and they are all very devout with the exception of his dad's side from california. i now understand why he was always pressured to be "perfect" from his devout mother and he never carried the assurance of his salvation in his heart. his mom would often write in Christmas and birthday cards that she prayed he would be in heaven with her one day, as if that was in serious question. it always bothered me. his mom still visits often but the relationship is somewhat superficial. they recently wrote to him asking if i would ever consider going to an adventist church for the great childrens program ( we have three children). i answered her myself with a "no". i haven't visited the outreach site, but i think i will check it out. this forum has been very helpful to me because i have learned how my husband was trained to think re: his relationship with Christ and his salvation in Him. plus i can freely ask questions that have always been on my mind concerning adventists. my husband doesn't go to an adventist church, but i know (especially now) that he carries a lot of "adventist guilt" about many things. | ||
| Lynne Registered user Username: Lynne Post Number: 443 Registered: 10-2005 |
Nicole, I come from a mostly Catholic family, though I'm not Catholic. Here is a pretty accurate link that I once posted here in the forum about Adventism from a Catholic perspective: http://www.catholic.com/library/Seventh_Day_Adventism.asp Lynne | ||
| Mwh Registered user Username: Mwh Post Number: 63 Registered: 4-2006  |
grace-alone, welcome sister, I pray for you and your husband and your family, that the truth will come forth and shine bright, that the holy spirit will carry it forth in an all loving manner. I too is a non SDA christian and I welcome you here, the former SDA's here are very savy and I have learned lots from them. In fact I belive that God has brought me in contact with SDA's to teach me in a living and exciting maner about himself, that I could not have otherwise experienced. Jesus I love you! | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 4 Registered: 6-2006 |
WOW! Everyone is so nice here! Thank you very much. I wanted to address CW's question about his daughter... When I met my husband, I was 17 and he was 18. We fell pretty hard for each other. At the time his parents did everything to break us up, including telling me that "Someone is going to have to convert, and it won't be our son". At the time it really made me cry, and of course my then boyfriend wouldn't stand up for me. However every time I suggested that we break it off, he'd plead with me not to. Now on my side of the fence, I was raised in the same Lutheran Church we attend now. I knew about SDA's but didn't quite know the meat and potatoes of it. I'd visit many, many times over the years we dated, and I just thought some of the teaching was weird, but not as bad as the Mormons or the JW's. (Pretty dumb way to look at it!) Plus, being a kid I really loved my boyfriend, and didn't have enough answers for either myself, or my boyfriend. Long story short, the in-laws continued to have issues with me up until the day I had our first baby. Now they love me! Also, my husband basically quit the Sabbath when we got married, then started worshipping with me about 3 years ago when our oldest was 4 years old. He helps out quite a bit at church now, but whenever our Pastor suggests becoming a member (he even suggests having dual membership) my husband says no. CW, I would suggest that you check out sdaoutreach.com and look in the "audio" page for "What about the Ten Commandments" and "The Gospel and the Covenants". If you can get your daughter to listen to it, I think it would really help. I don't regret marrying my husband (we've been together for 22 years) but I certainly will equip my kids in a way that my parents weren't able to. Thanks again everyone for your kind welcome! GOD BLESS YOU! | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 6 Registered: 6-2006 |
Correction - sdaoutreach.org is the right place! NOT sdaoutreach.com as I stated earlier. My bad. Leigh Anne | ||
| Cathy2 Registered user Username: Cathy2 Post Number: 145 Registered: 2-2006 |
Welcome, Grace_alone! Love your moniker! I loved grace so much I named my youngest's middle name 'Anne', which in Hebrew means 'Grace'. She was born right after I had learned many deep things about God's grace at the cross. (My little Annie; a constant reminder of his gifts and grace in herself) I am currently a member of the LCMS Lutherans and some others are Lutherans here. I have been very blessed by the Lutheran church--a sacramental church; the sacrements are very, very precious to me, now-- and was baptized there with little Annie, when she was 3 y/o. A JOY-FILLED day! I didn't tell anyone in my SDA family, but my SDA mother and Catholic sister about our baptism, though, because there would have been too much arguement on theology. I wanted NOTHING to spoil that blessed day and our joy in the Lord. I waited until the deed was done. What Colleen wrote about her family is just about exactly what are my experiences; a variety. (Colleen, do find that the 'nice' is a bit patronizing? Smugly self-righteous? I do with a few. I must pray about my own irritation with it)I have one brother (and an Aunt), who seems to have chosen no contact with me, sadly. I miss him and his family. I really relate to one sentence Colleen wrote--"It's not possible to have meaningful conversation about almost any topic..." This is sooo true with my sister and her family. And things are superficial. Because I am not an SDA, anymore, they seem to find me less credible, intelligent, educated, a lady, experienced in life, a person, mother, anyhting! I am none of those invalidations, but the self-righteous mind-sets and SDA/EGW 'filters'(and 'veil') don't just cover theological hearts, minds, eyes and ears; it goes universally across the board to others. I suppose, because they believe that they are THE REMNANT of GOD. (I kind of recall how my own mind worked, when I was an SDA so long ago. I was like that, too. I was raised to think that way towards others) Plus, since, 'I once knew THE TRUTH', I am doubly damned in some of their eyes. More corrupted (and they have let me know that Aunt Cathy is not the best influence on their children, at times. Boy, does that hurt! I am not a bad aunt!!!). I wear jewlery (for 2 sibs, this is an issue, let alone do not keep the Sabbath. I love my Lord and speak of him often--trying for common ground, since they say so much about 'Jesus loves you'-- but that doesn't count; I left THE TRUTH and should have known better (I was born into it, 4th generation, with all the 1-12 schooling, too). Well, at least, I have the blessing that my mother has loved my children and me no matter what, and no matter what church we went to, throughout the decades. Other Formers are not so blessed nor loved. (Just depends on one's own family) My father believes we are going to the SDA hell and tells me on a regular basis in letters. But he is old and failing, now (heart faliure, I just learned last week), so I continue to pray that any of my inadequate and fallible words and caring for him in his illness, I might speak and act, God will use for dad's light in the Gospel. And, if I get hurt and/or annoyed at his rejections because I am not an SDA, I must take it to God in prayer. Resentments are toxic and break connections. My SDA family suffers on the inside so much and they have many entrenched, legalistic anxieties, which God delivered me from, in time; I desire them to be free and at peace in Christ. Just a few thoughts about family; there are so many things about this for us all. It is healing to bring our mutual thoughts, experiences and feelings here, among those, who understand. Stay and 'talk' with us! God bless you and your husband~ Cathy choosier1@msn.com | ||
| Grace_alone Registered user Username: Grace_alone Post Number: 9 Registered: 6-2006 |
Hi Cathy! Thank you for the blessings. It's amazing that I'm finding so many Christians who worship at Lutheran churches here. I live in an area close to the border of Mexico where there is a majority of Catholic Latinos. Any time I'm asked where I worship, I get a blank stare as no one has ever heard of the Lutheran church! Regarding my in-law situation, I worry for my husband who would do anything not to hurt his parents. I can understand him, as we were cut out of the same cloth. Although there are times where I feel that he's ashamed of our little family (and at this point he really is in relation to the SDA's) and that's as frustrating as all get out. Fortunately, as a large family we can have meaningful conversations regarding personal issues not related to church stuff, but then there are the occasions where SDA vs "me" comes up. My dear Mother-in-law will still ask me if I worship the Virgin Mary. (She's been asking me that for 22 years!) Being that I know their position on the Catholic church, it always feels like a big backhanded slap. I always just smile and say "No Mom, Jesus is my Savior and as much as I appreciate Mary's role I don't worship or pray to her." And I know what you mean about your SDA family suffering on the inside with legalistic anxieties. As long as I've known my husband and his family they've almost never had anything positive to say about their church. I hear more things about what someone was wearing, or how someone was singing improperly, or "I saw someone wearing cowboy boots to church and she should've known better!" It is such a joy having this forum to come to. Leigh Anne | ||
| Cw Registered user Username: Cw Post Number: 94 Registered: 4-2006 |
Leigh Anne, thanks for addressing my question. I actually already have sdaoutreach.org book marked and I've been there a couple of times. But as far as "getting (my) daughter to listen to it" as you say, I wish it were that easy. My daughter is 19 years old and I recognize that the days of my getting her to do anything are over. Her boyfriend is 18 and legally if they wanted to go to Reno tonight and get married no one could stop them. And I wish I could say "someone is going to have to convert and it won't be our daughter". Someone will have to convert and unfortunately D has made it known that she would if it comes to marriage. That's the biggest heart breaker in this for me because she will only be able to do that in direct disobedience to God because He tells us the avoid false prophets. This is all rehashed monologue for the others on this forum so I hope they're not suffering through my whining again. But you're new here so now you know and I would appreciate your prayers for D. In answer to my prayers I know that God won't allow D to be deceived with EGW's doctrine. But that doesn't mean she can't do the wrong thing anyway out of love for J. CW |
