| Author | Message | ||
| Tdf Registered user Username: Tdf Post Number: 92 Registered: 11-2004 |
Greetings all. I don't post here regularly, but I lurk frequently. Let me offer a brief background. My wife and I left the SDA denomination in January 2005. Our families are very "orthodox" SDAs. The little red books line their living rooms, beverages are not served with dinner and dairy products are left at the grocery store. - - - You get the idea. Since leaving the SDA church, our families have been more than merely displeased. We believe that their behavior is borderline abusive. We have, with the help of the Holy Spirit, sought to be as loving and patient as we can be. However, if I am honest, I must admit that our frustration is reaching an all time high. I don't really want to have a pity party, or make things seem worse than they really are, but we are really at a loss. At various points, family members have told our children that mommy and daddy are lost, that mommy and daddy are ruining their lives and that, because of their diet, mommy and daddy are dying (which, by the way, isn't at all true--we're in excellent health). Family members repeatedly refer to us as backslidden and lost; they frequently send emails and letters indicating that we are destroying our lives and the lives of our children. Initially, we tried to reason with our families. When it became clear that this was not going to have a positive outcome, we tried setting a boundary with them by saying that we would not debate doctrine, but that we would be happy to connect on other subjects. When this boundary was not respected, we let one family member know that we wanted to take a break, and that we wanted no contact for a period of time. We blocked emails and refrained from opening letters from this particular family member. When we tried to resume contact, the family member in question went right back to the abuse as if nothing had happened. Have any of you ever had to walk away from an SDA family member for any length of time, knowing that continued contact would diminish your ability to create a healthy home for your spouse and your children? If so, what did you learn from this? My wife and I continue to enter uncharted waters, and we'd love to hear the perspective of others who may have been where we are now. Thanks in advance for your feedback. God bless, TDF (aka "byfaithalone") | ||
| Ric_b Registered user Username: Ric_b Post Number: 640 Registered: 7-2004  |
I wish I had more to offer than prayers, compassion, and friendship. I can only begin to imagine how heartwrenching this is for you and your wife. | ||
| Helovesme2 Registered user Username: Helovesme2 Post Number: 701 Registered: 8-2004  |
I can understand the pain you are going thru. I do not experience it in every relationship I have with the family SDAs but in some of them it is very difficult, and with a few there is no longer any relationship to speak of left. What have I learned? I've learned that God is still worth serving no matter what people do or don't do. I've learned that God really does have things under control, no matter how bad it gets. And that He will open and close doors for us as we surrender to Him despite the pain. Hang in there! Blessings, Mary | ||
| Flyinglady Registered user Username: Flyinglady Post Number: 3056 Registered: 3-2004  |
TDF I can identify in a small way because of the way a sister treats me. It is not because of my religious beliefs, because it started before I decided not to rejoin the SDA church. Right now, I had to break communication with her because she did not respect my boundaries. I do pray for her, day and night and in between also. It is not about religion, but it is spiritual warfare. What I have learned is that each individual has to do what is necessary for their sanity and boundaries. Each has there children to protect and they are your responsibility. You explained about your boundaries, when you tried to open communication again, that was not respected, so you may have to stop communication again. Pray, alot, about it. I would, like I did my sister, turn the family over to God. He knows best how to reach them and maybe it is not you. I will pray for you. Just remember we have an awesome God and He is in charge. Diana | ||
| River Registered user Username: River Post Number: 136 Registered: 9-2006 |
TDF: I will tell you how I view my own home, it is the place where my wife and I can have peace and shelter from the outside world, my wife and I raised five children, they are all grown now, they are not free to come here and bring abuse of any kind and break the peace, even by electronic means, neither is anyone else, a year or so ago one of my sons attempted to use fowl and abusive language in my home in front of my grandchildren, I stopped him cold and it made him very angry at me for a time. It was hard on me, very hard, I cried over it for three or four days. I go to my sons houses and relatives house realizing I am a guest in their home and I respect their home, the way they live and believe whether I agree with it or not. If it turned me off too much I just wouldnít enter that door. Now it is only my wife and I living here, I intend to maintain a safe and peaceable refuge for her or anyone who comes under this roof. I know this, Jesus has accepted me, I may not be perfect but he has accepted me, my home is my safe place, in it I can pick my nose if I feel the need. Now I may seem a bit old fashioned and crotchety, but I feel it is my responsibility to my wife and even me to provide some kind of safe haven. It has been for me that sometimes I have had to make decisions and live with the result. I did have to come to a point as to how my home was to form up. None of this is hints for you dear brother. I will say this; borderline abuse makes it sound like they are testing you to see if you will take some real abuse. Iím 100% sure the prayers of these folks are already going up for you and your family and I know that I myself have begun to pray even as I finish this. River | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 4978 Registered: 12-2003  |
Tdf, the behavior you are describing is abusive. It is especially hurtful to your children. Diana is right to pray a lot and then stop communication if they will not respect your wishes. God does know what they need. Our situation was not quite as disrespectful as the one you describe, but we did make the decision as we were leaving not to have one set of grandparents be with our kids unless we were also there. Our sons reported that the grandparents were withholding and refused to pray with them, hug them, etc. at bedtimeóthings they had previously done. Soóno more alone time with the grandparents. Our dyed-in-the-wool Adventist relatives have not changed, and they still try to get us to "come back". Just two weeks ago my husband's mom had a dream that he had been bitten by a deadly snake, and she awoke knowing she had to "warn him" before it was too late. We have had to draw strict boundaries around their times with usóand we can no longer have them over when we have other friends over because of the disruptive and hostile things they have said in front of othersósometimes even disrespecting our sons publicly. We are able to have reasonably friendly visits if we are just with them and keep the topic away from religionóbut if they are around any of our other "former" friends, things have often gotten very uncomfortable. SoóI second Diana's adviceóstrict boundaries are necessary when people refuse to be polite, respectful, and honoring of you and your authority in your children's presence. Situations such as you describe are part of the evidence that tells me Adventism is truly cultic. The brainwashing is thorough. Colleen | ||
| Colleentinker Registered user Username: Colleentinker Post Number: 4979 Registered: 12-2003 |
River, I just saw your post above, and I totally agree with you. Colleen | ||
| Susans Registered user Username: Susans Post Number: 164 Registered: 8-2006 |
TDF, My heart goes out to you in this situation. I agree with others here that you need to set boundaries, pray, and stand firm on those boundaries where it affects you, your wife and your children's emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual well being. Sometimes the choice to walk away is because nothing else has sufficed to protect these boundaries. I'm assuming your children are young, and they must be protected above all. I can't identify exactly with your situation as I was the only convert to SDA in all my family, until a cousin who I have rare to no contact with converted a few years ago. The problem in my situation, however is my best friend and her family, which I DO consider my family. Over the past few years we have silently agreed to not discuss doctrine, only Jesus and our faith in and love for Him. Fortunately, we all mostly respect each other's boundaries, even though from time to time a comment will be made here and there, even by me, I'm sorry to say. But, as Colleen says regarding visits with others, this Thanksgiving I will be staying in my best friend's home, where her parents and grandmother are also visiting for an extended time. Her dad is a retired SDA minister, and while they are lovely people and know how much I love their daughter, I am a little worried at being among them all at once! What I have done, since as River stated, it is their home, and I must be respectful of their home and beliefs, is that I make arrangements to visit family and friends during the "Sabbath hours". I used to go to church with them, but more and more I'm finding it uncomfortable to do so. When I told my best friend of my plans to take my mom out to dinner on Friday night, I could hear the disappointment in her voice. She has commented to me that her greatest hope is that my husband and I will one day be sitting together in church on Sabbath mornings. There are no easy answers, and if I've learned anything it's as Aliza and Colleen said, that the brainwashing is thorough. I think forever they will have hope you (and us) will return to the fold, and they will have to do their duty in some way to help bring you back, and in your case, I'm sorry it's taken the abusive route. I pray for you and your family, for the peace of God that truly does pass understanding, and for the confidence to know that, as Mary stated, your surrender to Him is really worth all the pain and that He will redeem this, even this, too. In Christ, Susan | ||
| Tdf Registered user Username: Tdf Post Number: 93 Registered: 11-2004 |
Thanks so much for your responses and prayers. They are truly appreciated. As you might imagine, this subject takes on a timeliness as we enter the holiday season and face the daunting prospect of time spent with the extended family. We continue to pray for wisdom as we make decisions. It is our desire to honor our extended family in every way possible, while at the same time protecting our own little family unit. Our kids are 1 year and 5 years. The older one is beginning to pick up on the comments and the tension. For this, we are profoundly sad. Although we intend to do everything we can to protect our kids from abuse, there's probably no way that we can protect them from the reality that religious differences can truly divide families. For this, I'm quite certain that God is not pleased. :-( As you might imagine, we struggle with forgiveness. In fact, I am quite sure that it is not in our power to forgive (particularly because the source of the hurt is still creating new hurt). However, I'm quite sure that we serve a God who is able to heal all wounds. I can't wait to see what He has in store. At the end of the day, we serve an amazing God who is bigger than all of our hurts. This Thanksgiving, we are amazingly grateful for the way He has been leading us. He is truly a faithful God. God bless all of you this holiday season. Blessings, TDF | ||
| Stevendi Registered user Username: Stevendi Post Number: 13 Registered: 10-2006 |
Tdf, you are not alone. My parents do not reply when I share spiritual things with them. They are unfortunately subscribed to the "Bachelorite" religion of hate and bigotry. They do not realize it of course, because they believe they possess the "truth" and that anyone outside or worse yet, those who have left these anti-gospel teachings behind, will be lost unless they return. They are blind to the fact that God could pull us out of this chokehold. When we share the joy of attending church with our son and family every Sunday, they are always silent, even about prayers answered, opportunities to share Jesus with others, etc. I pray for them daily that thay will seek to know Jesus outside the sda box. Because I love them and I know how dark and limiting it is on the inside. And now you shall be added to my prayer list. Was lost, now found, Steve | ||
| Mwh Registered user Username: Mwh Post Number: 322 Registered: 4-2006  |
I haven't even been an SDA, but I notice that my SDA friend can be quite abusive as well. At a point I had to pause our relation for little more than a month. Its quite spiritual I think, like SDA's having dreams about you and thus have to warn you, supposedly knowing what you think or what others think etc. In Christ | ||
| Cw Registered user Username: Cw Post Number: 125 Registered: 4-2006  |
Tdf, like Mwh I have never been SDA either but in other ways we all have the same things in common. You wrote "I am quite sure that it is not in our power to forgive". Thank you for that candor. It is so much easier for all of us to follow the way of the flesh. It's easier to bear a grudge than to forgive, to fret rather than to rejoice, to worry rather than be hopeful. I'm preaching to myself here Sir more than to you because I so often feel I have a RIGHT to these feelings and I actually do not want to give them up. I wish I could give you a sure-fire way to forgive because then I would use that formula for myself. Sometimes separation is the best way to handle some people. But even then, and even if the separation becomes permanent, my advice would be to never be "not on speaking terms". There is a subtle difference. But the attitude of not being on speaking terms implies anger. Sometimes it feels impossible to be forgiving but our prayer can still be "Lord, please help me to be willing to BECOME willing". Man, if only it were all that easy. But I identify with you so at least I know how to pray with you. CW | ||
| Cathy2 Registered user Username: Cathy2 Post Number: 235 Registered: 2-2006 |
Tdf, My prayers are with you and your family. I agree with all that's been posted already, especially, about protecting and creating a shelter for your wife and children. Especially, for such young children, who cannot understand. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is having distance from people, who can harm us. IMHO, God rewarded and gifted you with your wife and children; love them first, best and what is best for them; and let the others go in God's hands. You tried. Some of my SDA family has been similar to yours, off and on. I empathize. Holidays do not make it better with all the demands. I still try and my kids still hurt. But I did call off THG. with that (my) family this year. We are going to another family, who doesn't care what we are and who are thankful for my children. With prayers, Cathy |
